Part 30

The next few days were uneventful. Lance was still weak, and having some coordination problems. His light sensitivity had practically gone away, but his headaches were bad. Worse, in some cases, than before his surgery.

Lance sighed, but he realized that JC was just worried about him. "Josh, you know that Dr. Williams said this would happen."

"Well, they aren't 'too bad'," Lance insisted. "If they were 'too bad' I would call him. But I'm ok, really."

JC took a deep breath. "Lance," he said, "you know I love you, more than anything in the world, right?"

"Ok," JC continued, "but do you know what I don't like?" Lance shook his head. "I don't like it when something is wrong and you act like everything is fine."

"No, listen," JC interrupted him. "For weeks you were sick. We all knew something was wrong with you, but you just kept saying that everything was fine. But was everything fine, Lance? No, it wasn't."

"You know what, Josh?" Lance said, becoming annoyed. "I love you too, but I can't stand this obsessively protective streak that you have. Do you have any idea how insane it makes me?"

"And do you know how insane it makes me when you do these things to yourself?" JC countered.

"I'm a grown man, Josh," Lance said, defensively. "Don't treat me like a little kid."

"You know what it means, Lance. It's always been the same. You know something is wrong with you, but you keep pushing yourself until you hit your limit. And it seems like that limit is only reached when you end up in a hospital."

"Lance," JC interrupted again. He could hear the anger in his lover's voice. "Lance," he repeated, "I don't' want to fight with you. That's the last thing that I want right now. I just...I want you to take care of yourself. I don't want to lose you, baby."

Lance exhaled deeply. . "I don't want to fight either," he said, the hardness in his face softening some. "But, Josh, come on! You have got to start trusting my judgment." JC gave him a look. "All right," Lance relented, "so my judgment hasn't always been the best. But it's not as if I want to be sick."

"I never said you did, Lance. I'm just saying, I don't know. Just you need to take better care of yourself."

"Yeah, I think I'll survive until then," Lance said jokingly, but the serious look on JC's face took him aback.

"I don't care, Lance," JC said, his eyes intense. "It isn't funny. Please tell me that you'll never say anything like that again."

"Good," JC said, taking Lance in his arms and crushing the smaller man against his chest. "You don't know what that does to me. Hearing you say something like that."

"I'm sorry," Lance said, softly. Inwardly, he cursed himself. He should have know. Why would he make such a thoughtless joke?

"No, I know," JC said, stroking his hair. "I know you didn't mean it." He also knew that he had overreacted. Lance was the one that was sick, after all. If he wanted or needed to joke about it, that was fine. Whatever it took to get him through his illness. "It's just...the idea of losing you. I don't know what I'd do. I don't like to think about it."

His words caused a shudder to run through Lance. He was about to admonish JC for them when the thought through his head. Would he be able to survive without JC? Would he even want to? This thought sent another, deeper shudder through his body. Unconsciously, he tightened his arms around his lover. No. Life without JC in it wouldn't be worth living anyway.

The next day JC drove Lance to the hospital, where he was to have his stitches removed. Afterwards, he had an appointment with the radiation oncologist, who was going to prepare him for his radiation treatments, which were scheduled to start in a few days. Lance was wearing dark glasses and had a baseball cap covering his head, rather than Justin's bandanna.

In the hospital, they waited twenty minutes before a physician's assistant removed the stitches from Lance's head. Lance had been a little worried about this, but it was a simple snip and pull procedure that took no more than ten minutes. Dr. Williams was, of course, very busy and in a hurry, so when Lance him, he quickly asked about his headaches.

"They sound normal to me, Lance," the doctor said. "If they get worse, or if they're accompanied by dizziness, or nausea or a fever, let me know. In the meantime, you can take acetaminophen for the pain."

"All right, thanks," Lance said, before the doctor hurried away. He sighed. "You know, it's my luck to get the absolute busiest doctor in the whole state."

A half-hour later, they were in the radiation oncologist's office. Dr. Crinetti was a very small, friendly woman. She sent Lance around for more scans, then told him what to expect from his radiation.

"Lance," she said, "I want to let you know now that radiation is not going to be pleasant. You're probably going to be very sick. Some people are sicker during radiation than they are before their tumors are removed. And it might be several months before you even see any results." She saw the discouraged look on her patient's face and continued. "But, it's better than the alternative."

"Yes. For Lance's type of tumor, the odds of surviving five years without radiation are only about thirty percent."

Lance and JC looked at each other, and JC grasped his lover's hand. 'Yes,' he thought to himself, 'the alternative was unthinkable.'


	Inner Reflection \| home back to But Faith Part 30 ~"If you die," you said, "so do I," you said...~ The next few days were uneventful. Lance was still weak, and having some coordination problems. His light sensitivity had practically gone away, but his headaches were bad. Worse, in some cases, than before his surgery. "Lance," JC said, his voice worried, "I think you should call the doctor." Lance sighed, but he realized that JC was just worried about him. "Josh, you know that Dr. Williams said this would happen." "He also said to call if the headaches got too bad," JC reminded him. "Well, they aren't 'too bad'," Lance insisted. "If they were 'too bad' I would call him. But I'm ok, really." JC took a deep breath. "Lance," he said, "you know I love you, more than anything in the world, right?" Lance nodded. "Sure, Josh," he said. "Ok," JC continued, "but do you know what I don't like?" Lance shook his head. "I don't like it when something is wrong and you act like everything is fine." Lance sighed again. "Josh..." "No, listen," JC interrupted him. "For weeks you were sick. We all knew something was wrong with you, but you just kept saying that everything was fine. But was everything fine, Lance? No, it wasn't." "You know what, Josh?" Lance said, becoming annoyed. "I love you too, but I can't stand this obsessively protective streak that you have. Do you have any idea how insane it makes me?" "And do you know how insane it makes me when you do these things to yourself?" JC countered. "I'm a grown man, Josh," Lance said, defensively. "Don't treat me like a little kid." "Then don't act like one." "Oh, what the hell is that supposed to mean?" "You know what it means, Lance. It's always been the same. You know something is wrong with you, but you keep pushing yourself until you hit your limit. And it seems like that limit is only reached when you end up in a hospital." "Oh, for God's sake, Josh..." "Lance," JC interrupted again. He could hear the anger in his lover's voice. "Lance," he repeated, "I don't' want to fight with you. That's the last thing that I want right now. I just...I want you to take care of yourself. I don't want to lose you, baby." Lance exhaled deeply. . "I don't want to fight either," he said, the hardness in his face softening some. "But, Josh, come on! You have got to start trusting my judgment." JC gave him a look. "All right," Lance relented, "so my judgment hasn't always been the best. But it's not as if I want to be sick." "I never said you did, Lance. I'm just saying, I don't know. Just you need to take better care of yourself." "All right. I'll try," Lance conceded. "And you'll call the doctor?" "Josh, I'm getting my stitches out tomorrow. I'll tell him then." "I guess that's all right," JC said, grudgingly. "Yeah, I think I'll survive until then," Lance said jokingly, but the serious look on JC's face took him aback. "Don't even joke about that," he said, his voice harsh. "Josh," Lance said, his voice surprised, "I didn't mean anything." "I don't care, Lance," JC said, his eyes intense. "It isn't funny. Please tell me that you'll never say anything like that again." "All right, Josh, I...I promise," Lance said sincerely. "Good," JC said, taking Lance in his arms and crushing the smaller man against his chest. "You don't know what that does to me. Hearing you say something like that." "I'm sorry," Lance said, softly. Inwardly, he cursed himself. He should have know. Why would he make such a thoughtless joke? "No, I know," JC said, stroking his hair. "I know you didn't mean it." He also knew that he had overreacted. Lance was the one that was sick, after all. If he wanted or needed to joke about it, that was fine. Whatever it took to get him through his illness. "It's just...the idea of losing you. I don't know what I'd do. I don't like to think about it." "Neither do I." "I don't think I could survive," JC said earnestly. "I wouldn't want to." His words caused a shudder to run through Lance. He was about to admonish JC for them when the thought through his head. Would he be able to survive without JC? Would he even want to? This thought sent another, deeper shudder through his body. Unconsciously, he tightened his arms around his lover. No. Life without JC in it wouldn't be worth living anyway. *** The next day JC drove Lance to the hospital, where he was to have his stitches removed. Afterwards, he had an appointment with the radiation oncologist, who was going to prepare him for his radiation treatments, which were scheduled to start in a few days. Lance was wearing dark glasses and had a baseball cap covering his head, rather than Justin's bandanna. In the hospital, they waited twenty minutes before a physician's assistant removed the stitches from Lance's head. Lance had been a little worried about this, but it was a simple snip and pull procedure that took no more than ten minutes. Dr. Williams was, of course, very busy and in a hurry, so when Lance him, he quickly asked about his headaches. "They sound normal to me, Lance," the doctor said. "If they get worse, or if they're accompanied by dizziness, or nausea or a fever, let me know. In the meantime, you can take acetaminophen for the pain." "All right, thanks," Lance said, before the doctor hurried away. He sighed. "You know, it's my luck to get the absolute busiest doctor in the whole state." A half-hour later, they were in the radiation oncologist's office. Dr. Crinetti was a very small, friendly woman. She sent Lance around for more scans, then told him what to expect from his radiation. "Lance," she said, "I want to let you know now that radiation is not going to be pleasant. You're probably going to be very sick. Some people are sicker during radiation than they are before their tumors are removed. And it might be several months before you even see any results." She saw the discouraged look on her patient's face and continued. "But, it's better than the alternative." "The alternative?" JC asked. "Yes. For Lance's type of tumor, the odds of surviving five years without radiation are only about thirty percent." Lance and JC looked at each other, and JC grasped his lover's hand. 'Yes,' he thought to himself, 'the alternative was unthinkable.'