Part 16

"I heard about Lance," she paused. "On the television. Why didn't you call us, Josh?"

"Why would I?" JC asked bitterly. "What difference would it have made? Hell, I'm not even allowed to mention his name."

"My family," JC cut her off, "is here. My family is laying on a table somewhere in this hospital with his head cut open."

"Josh, please. Let me talk to you." Her imploring tone surprised him, and he motioned for her to continue. "I know an apology will never be enough. I know that. We never should have tried to make you choose. We were wrong. I realize that now."

"Mom," JC whispered, tears springing to his eyes. "I can't do this. I can't be your son if you want me to pretend. I have to be the way I am."

"Oh, Josh," she said, her voice sad, "you don't have to pretend anymore. Not with me. I know who you are. I love you no matter what." She opened her arms to him and waited. JC hesitated briefly, before walking into her embrace. She wrapped her arms around her son for the first time in three years. JC held onto her tightly, weakly grasping the thread of self-control he had left.

That was enough to make the self-control slip away. The tears poured down his face, and he cried them out on his mother's shoulder.

"Shh, it'll be all right." He clung to desperately, crying as he had when he was a child, for several minutes, as she held him. Finally he calmed enough to speak, but did not let go. "I love him so much." His voice sounded shattered.

Those words pierced through to her heart. It hadn't seemed real until now. "You really do, don't you?" She pulled away a bit to look at him.

It was true. Her son was gay. Her son was gay, and he was in love. The man that her son loved with all of his heart was fighting for his life. "My poor baby," she said, wiping the tears from his face. She hugged him again. "Come on. Let's go see your father."

"Go ahead, Mom. I'll be right behind you." She nodded and left the chapel. JC turned to face the altar again. "Is this it? Is this my sign?" he asked softly. "I hope it is. I think it is. I think it's your way of telling me that everything is gonna be ok." He glanced back to the chapel door, where his mother was waiting. "If it is, thank you."

The waiting room was more crowded now, with the addition of JC's father, brother and sister. Justin and Joey had gone to get more chairs. They were bringing them back, when JC returned with his mother. JC and his father locked eyes, almost in a contest. A battle of wills. JC broke first.

JC's eyes widened in shock. He had never, in his twenty-five year, heard his father utter those words to anyone. He was further surprised when his father pulled him into a brief, but tight hug. "I'm sorry," he repeated, softer this time, so only JC could hear him.

"Thank you Dad." His father nodded. JC then turned to greet his siblings. He was hugging them when the door opened again. JC looked up, tensing when he saw the man.

"I'm Dr. Williams," he said. "Who's the family?" Stacey and JC both went to stand next to him, close together, their hands clasped. "The surgery is over."

"We've performed a biopsy on the tumor," Dr. Williams continued. "It isn't cancerous." JC and Stacey breathed sighs of relief."It's what we call a Grade II Astrocytoma. It's an infiltrating tumor, which means that it penetrates the normal, surrounding tissue. We were able to remove most of the tumor during surgery, but there are a few micorscopic cells remaining."

"Now he has to have radiation. It's a relatively slow growing tumor, and we feel confident that radiation will kill the remaining cells."

"Yes. As soon as he's well enough, though, he will need radiation treatments."

"Yes. Follow me." Still clinging to each other's hands, JC and Stacey followed him towards the Neuro Intensive Care Unit.


	Inner Reflection \| home back to But Faith Part 16 ~I went away alone, with nothing left but faith~ "Josh," she said, standing hesitantly on the chapel threshold. "What are you doing here?" JC asked, surprise evident in his voice. "I heard about Lance," she paused. "On the television. Why didn't you call us, Josh?" "Why would I?" JC asked bitterly. "What difference would it have made? Hell, I'm not even allowed to mention his name." "Josh, you're our son. If you needed your family..." "My family," JC cut her off, "is here. My family is laying on a table somewhere in this hospital with his head cut open." "Josh, please. Let me talk to you." Her imploring tone surprised him, and he motioned for her to continue. "I know an apology will never be enough. I know that. We never should have tried to make you choose. We were wrong. I realize that now." JC looked at her disbelievingly. "What does dad say?" "It was his idea to come." He stared at her, open mouthed. He did not know what to say. "You're my son. You're in pain, and I'm here for you. I love you, Josh." "Mom," JC whispered, tears springing to his eyes. "I can't do this. I can't be your son if you want me to pretend. I have to be the way I am." "Oh, Josh," she said, her voice sad, "you don't have to pretend anymore. Not with me. I know who you are. I love you no matter what." She opened her arms to him and waited. JC hesitated briefly, before walking into her embrace. She wrapped her arms around her son for the first time in three years. JC held onto her tightly, weakly grasping the thread of self-control he had left. "Oh, sweetie," she said, "you don't have to be strong. I'm here for you." That was enough to make the self-control slip away. The tears poured down his face, and he cried them out on his mother's shoulder. "It's all right, sweetie," she soothed, rubbing his back. "Just let it go." "I can't lose him mom!" he cried. "I can't. I can't live without him." "Shh, it'll be all right." He clung to desperately, crying as he had when he was a child, for several minutes, as she held him. Finally he calmed enough to speak, but did not let go. "I love him so much." His voice sounded shattered. Those words pierced through to her heart. It hadn't seemed real until now. "You really do, don't you?" She pulled away a bit to look at him. "More than anything," he answered. "More than my own life." It was true. Her son was gay. Her son was gay, and he was in love. The man that her son loved with all of his heart was fighting for his life. "My poor baby," she said, wiping the tears from his face. She hugged him again. "Come on. Let's go see your father." "Go ahead, Mom. I'll be right behind you." She nodded and left the chapel. JC turned to face the altar again. "Is this it? Is this my sign?" he asked softly. "I hope it is. I think it is. I think it's your way of telling me that everything is gonna be ok." He glanced back to the chapel door, where his mother was waiting. "If it is, thank you." *** The waiting room was more crowded now, with the addition of JC's father, brother and sister. Justin and Joey had gone to get more chairs. They were bringing them back, when JC returned with his mother. JC and his father locked eyes, almost in a contest. A battle of wills. JC broke first. "Dad, I..." "Josh," his father cut him off. "I'm sorry." JC's eyes widened in shock. He had never, in his twenty-five year, heard his father utter those words to anyone. He was further surprised when his father pulled him into a brief, but tight hug. "I'm sorry," he repeated, softer this time, so only JC could hear him. "Thank you Dad." His father nodded. JC then turned to greet his siblings. He was hugging them when the door opened again. JC looked up, tensing when he saw the man. "I'm Dr. Williams," he said. "Who's the family?" Stacey and JC both went to stand next to him, close together, their hands clasped. "The surgery is over." "Is he ok?" JC asked. "He's resting comfortably." Oh God, thank you, thank you, JC said silently. "We've performed a biopsy on the tumor," Dr. Williams continued. "It isn't cancerous." JC and Stacey breathed sighs of relief."It's what we call a Grade II Astrocytoma. It's an infiltrating tumor, which means that it penetrates the normal, surrounding tissue. We were able to remove most of the tumor during surgery, but there are a few micorscopic cells remaining." JC sucked in a breath. "So what does that mean? What happens now?" "Now he has to have radiation. It's a relatively slow growing tumor, and we feel confident that radiation will kill the remaining cells." "But he's all right now?" Stacey asked. "Yes. As soon as he's well enough, though, he will need radiation treatments." "Can we see him?" JC asked. "Yes. Follow me." Still clinging to each other's hands, JC and Stacey followed him towards the Neuro Intensive Care Unit.