Part 17

Inner Reflection | home

~Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again~

A nurse directed them to a bed near the back of the Neuro ICU. Normally, only family would have been allowed to see Lance here. Lance, however, had had his power of attorney temporarily granted to JC so that he would have full access to Lance. JC was anxious. He needed to see Lance. He needed Lance to fill up the empty spaces that had formed inside of him at around 11:30 that morning.

Stacey held JC's hand in a death grip. He glanced sideways at her. "Calm down," he said. "He's gonna be ok. The worst is over, right?" She exhaled, then nodded slowly. He tugged at her hand led her towards Lance's bed.

He was lying with his eyes closed, surrounded by an array of blinking and beeping machines. His head was wrapped in a large white bandage and his face was swollen. A clear mask covered his mouth and nose, providing oxygen. He was just about the most beautiful thing JC had ever seen. There was an IV feeding drugs into a vein in his wrist. JC cringed, and moved to his opposite side, taking the hand in his.

"Lance?" he said, softly.

Lance opened his eyes slowly. "Hey Josh."

"Hi baby," JC smiled.

"Hi." He sounded out of it, JC thought. Well of course, what did you expect? He was still groggy from the anesthesia.

"Lance?" Stacey said, coming closer to the bed.

Lance turned his head slightly, toward the sound of her voice. "Stacey, hi."

"How do you feel?" she said, stroking his cheek.

"Like I've been kicked in the head."

She bit her lip. Bending down, she kissed his cheek. "Get some rest, ok sweetie?" Her eyes were full of tears.

"Yeah, ok," Lance said, closing his eyes again.

Stacey turned, and walked quickly away. JC looked at her. "I'll be right back, ok baby?" he said to Lance.

"Yeah, ok," he repeated, not opening his eyes.

JC hurried to where Stacey had stood with her back to him. "Stace? You ok?"

She shook her head, but did not turn. "I'm sorry Josh. It's just that seeing him like that. I don't know, it just made me think."

"What?" He put a hand on her shoulder, gently turning her to face him.

"Our parents should be here, Josh."

JC sighed, looking away. "Yeah," he said, a hint of anger in his voice. "They should."

"I mean, your parents are here. They forgave you. And you're not even the one that had surgery!"

"Yeah, well I guess my parents are more forgiving than yours are. As much as that surprises me."

"I mean, Lance told me he tried to tell Mom, but she hung up on him. I can't believe she would do that to her son."

JC made a disgusted noise. "I wish that's all she had done."

"What do you mean?" Stacey said, her voice puzzled.

"She didn't hang up on Lance. He told her he was sick and she said it was because God was punishing him!"

Stacey recoiled in horror. "No. That can't be true."

"I'm sorry," JC said, taking her hand. "But it is true."

She pulled her hand away. "No, JC! My mother would never do that!"

"Lance told me himself, Stacey." He shrugged. "Why would he lie?"

"I'm not saying he'd lie. I'm just saying...I don't know. You said he was having memory problems and stuff. Maybe he was confused."

"Confused?" JC looked at her in disbelief. "Come on Stacey, think about it. Doesn't it even sound like something your mother would say?"

She shook her head helplessly. Then she remembered her mother's reaction to Lance's coming out. Oh God. How could she? "He told our mother that he had a brain tumor, and she told him it was because God was punishing him?" She brought her hands up to her head, as if forcing herself to comprehend her mother's actions.

"I don't think he told her about the tumor," JC clarified. "I think he just told her he was sick."

Stacey nodded slightly. "That doesn't excuse it."

"No," JC agreed. "It doesn't."

"I just...I don't know what to say."

"There really isn't anything you can say, is there?"

She shook her head, wearily, allowing JC to pull her into a hug. "I'm so tired," she murmured against his shoulder.

JC rubbed her back. "Why don't you go home, get some rest?"

"Yeah, that's a good idea." She pulled away, looking at him. "What about you?"

"I just want to sit with him for a while."

Stacey looked doubtful. "I don't want to leave you here alone."

"I'll be fine," he assured her. "I'll be home in a couple of hours.

"Are you sure?" she said, reluctantly.

"Yeah, go ahead. And tell everyone else I said to go home, too."

She smiled slightly. "I don't think they'll go."

"Tell them that he's fine. They can't see him anyway, so come back tomorrow."

She nodded, squeezing his hand. "I'll see you in a little while then."

He watched her leave before returning to Lance's bedside. Lance's eyes were still closed. JC pulled a chair over and sat next to him. "Baby?" he said, taking Lance's hand.

Lance opened his eyes. "Josh," he said, smiling.

JC's heart soared when he saw that smile. God, he's so beautiful. "Hey," he said, returning the smile. "I'm back."

"Yeah, I just wanted to say goodbye to your sister."

JC stroked his thumb over Lance's hand. "Yeah, she was here. She went home."

"I will." He ran the back of his hand along Lance's cheek. "Why don't you try to get some more sleep, baby?"

"Ok." Lance's eyes slid shut again. A minute later they opened again. "Josh?"

"Yes Lance. I love you. I love you more than anything."

He smiled again. "I love you too. I'm sorry I'm doing this to you."

"Shut up." JC leaned down and kissed his cheek softly. "Go back to sleep."

"OK," Lance said, drifting out again. JC simply smiled and sat watching him, feeling his presence. It was enough.


	Inner Reflection \| home back to But Faith Part 17 ~Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again~ A nurse directed them to a bed near the back of the Neuro ICU. Normally, only family would have been allowed to see Lance here. Lance, however, had had his power of attorney temporarily granted to JC so that he would have full access to Lance. JC was anxious. He needed to see Lance. He needed Lance to fill up the empty spaces that had formed inside of him at around 11:30 that morning. Stacey held JC's hand in a death grip. He glanced sideways at her. "Calm down," he said. "He's gonna be ok. The worst is over, right?" She exhaled, then nodded slowly. He tugged at her hand led her towards Lance's bed. He was lying with his eyes closed, surrounded by an array of blinking and beeping machines. His head was wrapped in a large white bandage and his face was swollen. A clear mask covered his mouth and nose, providing oxygen. He was just about the most beautiful thing JC had ever seen. There was an IV feeding drugs into a vein in his wrist. JC cringed, and moved to his opposite side, taking the hand in his. "Lance?" he said, softly. Lance opened his eyes slowly. "Hey Josh." "Hi baby," JC smiled. "Hi." He sounded out of it, JC thought. Well of course, what did you expect? He was still groggy from the anesthesia. "Lance?" Stacey said, coming closer to the bed. Lance turned his head slightly, toward the sound of her voice. "Stacey, hi." "How do you feel?" she said, stroking his cheek. "Like I've been kicked in the head." She bit her lip. Bending down, she kissed his cheek. "Get some rest, ok sweetie?" Her eyes were full of tears. "Yeah, ok," Lance said, closing his eyes again. Stacey turned, and walked quickly away. JC looked at her. "I'll be right back, ok baby?" he said to Lance. "Yeah, ok," he repeated, not opening his eyes. JC hurried to where Stacey had stood with her back to him. "Stace? You ok?" She shook her head, but did not turn. "I'm sorry Josh. It's just that seeing him like that. I don't know, it just made me think." "What?" He put a hand on her shoulder, gently turning her to face him. "Our parents should be here, Josh." JC sighed, looking away. "Yeah," he said, a hint of anger in his voice. "They should." "I mean, your parents are here. They forgave you. And you're not even the one that had surgery!" "Yeah, well I guess my parents are more forgiving than yours are. As much as that surprises me." "I mean, Lance told me he tried to tell Mom, but she hung up on him. I can't believe she would do that to her son." JC made a disgusted noise. "I wish that's all she had done." "What do you mean?" Stacey said, her voice puzzled. "She didn't hang up on Lance. He told her he was sick and she said it was because God was punishing him!" Stacey recoiled in horror. "No. That can't be true." "I'm sorry," JC said, taking her hand. "But it is true." She pulled her hand away. "No, JC! My mother would never do that!" "Lance told me himself, Stacey." He shrugged. "Why would he lie?" "I'm not saying he'd lie. I'm just saying...I don't know. You said he was having memory problems and stuff. Maybe he was confused." "Confused?" JC looked at her in disbelief. "Come on Stacey, think about it. Doesn't it even sound like something your mother would say?" She shook her head helplessly. Then she remembered her mother's reaction to Lance's coming out. Oh God. How could she? "He told our mother that he had a brain tumor, and she told him it was because God was punishing him?" She brought her hands up to her head, as if forcing herself to comprehend her mother's actions. "I don't think he told her about the tumor," JC clarified. "I think he just told her he was sick." Stacey nodded slightly. "That doesn't excuse it." "No," JC agreed. "It doesn't." "I just...I don't know what to say." "There really isn't anything you can say, is there?" She shook her head, wearily, allowing JC to pull her into a hug. "I'm so tired," she murmured against his shoulder. JC rubbed her back. "Why don't you go home, get some rest?" "Yeah, that's a good idea." She pulled away, looking at him. "What about you?" "I just want to sit with him for a while." Stacey looked doubtful. "I don't want to leave you here alone." "I'll be fine," he assured her. "I'll be home in a couple of hours. "Are you sure?" she said, reluctantly. "Yeah, go ahead. And tell everyone else I said to go home, too." She smiled slightly. "I don't think they'll go." "Tell them that he's fine. They can't see him anyway, so come back tomorrow." She nodded, squeezing his hand. "I'll see you in a little while then." He watched her leave before returning to Lance's bedside. Lance's eyes were still closed. JC pulled a chair over and sat next to him. "Baby?" he said, taking Lance's hand. Lance opened his eyes. "Josh," he said, smiling. JC's heart soared when he saw that smile. God, he's so beautiful. "Hey," he said, returning the smile. "I'm back." "You left?" "Yeah, I just wanted to say goodbye to your sister." "Stacey's here?" JC stroked his thumb over Lance's hand. "Yeah, she was here. She went home." "Tell her hi." "I will." He ran the back of his hand along Lance's cheek. "Why don't you try to get some more sleep, baby?" "Ok." Lance's eyes slid shut again. A minute later they opened again. "Josh?" "Yeah, I'm here." "Do you love me?" "Yes Lance. I love you. I love you more than anything." He smiled again. "I love you too. I'm sorry I'm doing this to you." "Shut up." JC leaned down and kissed his cheek softly. "Go back to sleep." "OK," Lance said, drifting out again. JC simply smiled and sat watching him, feeling his presence. It was enough.