Part 15

The chapel was on the ground floor of the hospital. JC took a deep breath, opening the door slowly. The chapel was small and dimly lit, only candles illuminating it. He was the only one there. He walked down the short aisle, genuflected to the altar and sat down in the front pew.

He felt a bit awkward. He had been raised a Catholic, but it was hard to practice any religion while constantly on the road. It seemed like the only times he was ever in a church was for a wedding or a funeral. But, the truth was he had basically rejected his faith when his parents had used it as an excuse to reject him. He remembered their words well.

"God made me this way." He had been expecting the stinging slap to his face. That didn't make it hurt any less.

"God did not do this. God has nothing to do with this," his mother sobbed dramatically. His father then threw him out and told him not to come back. They didn't want him to be a negative influence his siblings. A week later he received an email from his parents, asking him to come home to talk. He didn't want to go. Lance convinced him. After his own parents' rejection, Lance hoped that JC's parents would be more forgiving.

"They're extending a hand to you here, Josh," Lance said. "Don't turn it away. You'll regret it if you do."

They ate a tense meal. Then his parents sent his brother and sister away. They sat looking at him silently for a few minutes, before his father spoke.

"He told us that we needed to show you that we loved you. That we needed to pray for you, not reject you."

"It means," his father said, "that everything is going to be the way it was. You are still our son, but I never want to hear another word about your...lifestyle. Your mother and I are going to pray for you. Father Murphy as well. We're going to pray that, with God's help, you will overcome this and rethink this terrible decision."

"So you're just going to pretend that we're the perfect family. That I'm your perfect heterosexual son. But you're going to pray for me? Like I have some kind of disease?"

"No! It is not a disease! It's not a situation, it's not a lifestyle choice, and it's not a sin! I'm gay! I am a gay man. I am in love with another man, and that is not wrong."

"In love?" His father's voice was sarcastic. "Please, Josh, whatever you're doing and whoever you're doing it with, it has nothing to do with love."

"Don't you dare!" JC's voice was low and deadly. "You know nothing about our relationship, or the way that we feel about each other."

"No. If my son says he is in love, I'd like to know who he thinks he's in love with." She turned towards JC. "Who is it?"

JC debated with himself whether to tell them or not. "It's Lance," he said, deciding that there was little more damage that could be done.

"That's funny dad, because Lance didn't even know he was 'that way'." JC stood up. "I'm leaving." Just before he walked out the door, he heard his father call his name. He turned.

"You're always welcome here, Josh. You will always be our son. But I never want to hear you mention his name ever again."

He looked at his father, then away, over his shoulder at his mother. Their eyes locked momentarily. "Goodbye," he said, before turning and walking out. ***

After that he had picked his own beliefs carefully. He believed that there was a God, and that he judged you by what kind of person you were, not by who you slept with. Still, he did have a grain of that Catholic guilt in his subconscious mind. What if it was true, that he was sinning? What if Lance was being punished because of it? "That's not fair, you know?" JC whispered. "Punishing him for my sins. Why don't you punish me?" He stopped and thought for a minute. "I guess you are."

No, don't think like that. "Please God, please, I know I don't pray a lot, but right now I'm begging you. Please don't take him away from me. I don't think I could live without him."

Maybe that's the whole idea. "No, please tell me that you aren't punishing us for loving each other. I can't believe that that's what you're doing. I told him that you weren't punishing us. I swore to him. You wouldn't let us fall in love and then punish us for it, would you?" There was, of course, no answer.

"God, I wish you could give me some kind of sign. Something to let me know that I'm right." He heard the door behind him open, and turned quickly. The person he saw stunned him.


	Inner Reflection \| home back to But Faith Part 15 ~I recall all the tears, all the broken words~ The chapel was on the ground floor of the hospital. JC took a deep breath, opening the door slowly. The chapel was small and dimly lit, only candles illuminating it. He was the only one there. He walked down the short aisle, genuflected to the altar and sat down in the front pew. He felt a bit awkward. He had been raised a Catholic, but it was hard to practice any religion while constantly on the road. It seemed like the only times he was ever in a church was for a wedding or a funeral. But, the truth was he had basically rejected his faith when his parents had used it as an excuse to reject him. He remembered their words well. * "I didn't raise a faggot, Josh," his father said. Well dad, apparently you did. "Who made you this way, Josh?" his mother said. "God made me this way." He had been expecting the stinging slap to his face. That didn't make it hurt any less. "God did not do this. God has nothing to do with this," his mother sobbed dramatically. His father then threw him out and told him not to come back. They didn't want him to be a negative influence his siblings. A week later he received an email from his parents, asking him to come home to talk. He didn't want to go. Lance convinced him. After his own parents' rejection, Lance hoped that JC's parents would be more forgiving. "They're extending a hand to you here, Josh," Lance said. "Don't turn it away. You'll regret it if you do." So, against his better judgment, JC went. They ate a tense meal. Then his parents sent his brother and sister away. They sat looking at him silently for a few minutes, before his father spoke. "We talked to Father Murphy about you...situation." Situation. Yeah, that's a good choice of words. "He told us that we were wrong to send you away," his mother continued. You needed a priest to tell you that, huh? "He told us that we needed to show you that we loved you. That we needed to pray for you, not reject you." "He told us to love the sinner, but hate the sin. That's what we're going to do." JC shook his head in confusion. "What exactly does that mean?" "It means," his father said, "that everything is going to be the way it was. You are still our son, but I never want to hear another word about your...lifestyle. Your mother and I are going to pray for you. Father Murphy as well. We're going to pray that, with God's help, you will overcome this and rethink this terrible decision." "Oh please!" JC exclaimed, jumping from his seat. "You're kidding me, right?" "No, we're not." "So you're just going to pretend that we're the perfect family. That I'm your perfect heterosexual son. But you're going to pray for me? Like I have some kind of disease?" "Josh, that's exactly what it's like," his mother said. "A disease." "No! It is not a disease! It's not a situation, it's not a lifestyle choice, and it's not a sin! I'm gay! I am a gay man. I am in love with another man, and that is not wrong." "In love?" His father's voice was sarcastic. "Please, Josh, whatever you're doing and whoever you're doing it with, it has nothing to do with love." "Don't you dare!" JC's voice was low and deadly. "You know nothing about our relationship, or the way that we feel about each other." "Who is it, Josh?" his mother asked. "Karen!" his father said, sharply. "No. If my son says he is in love, I'd like to know who he thinks he's in love with." She turned towards JC. "Who is it?" JC debated with himself whether to tell them or not. "It's Lance," he said, deciding that there was little more damage that could be done. His mother looked at him, not speaking. "I always knew he was that way," his father said. "That's funny dad, because Lance didn't even know he was 'that way'." JC stood up. "I'm leaving." Just before he walked out the door, he heard his father call his name. He turned. "You're always welcome here, Josh. You will always be our son. But I never want to hear you mention his name ever again." He looked at his father, then away, over his shoulder at his mother. Their eyes locked momentarily. "Goodbye," he said, before turning and walking out. * After that he had picked his own beliefs carefully. He believed that there was a God, and that he judged you by what kind of person you were, not by who you slept with. Still, he did have a grain of that Catholic guilt in his subconscious mind. What if it was true, that he was sinning? What if Lance was being punished because of it? "That's not fair, you know?" JC whispered. "Punishing him for my sins. Why don't you punish me?" He stopped and thought for a minute. "I guess you are." No, don't think like that. "Please God, please, I know I don't pray a lot, but right now I'm begging you. Please don't take him away from me. I don't think I could live without him." Maybe that's the whole idea. "No, please tell me that you aren't punishing us for loving each other. I can't believe that that's what you're doing. I told him that you weren't punishing us. I swore to him. You wouldn't let us fall in love and then punish us for it, would you?" There was, of course, no answer. "God, I wish you could give me some kind of sign. Something to let me know that I'm right." He heard the door behind him open, and turned quickly. The person he saw stunned him. "Mom?"