Somewhere They Can't Find Me

I'm sitting here on the edge of the bed, watching JC sleep. He looks so innocent, lying on his back like that. So trusting. So in love. But is JC in love with me, or someone else? I guess that's the question. JC's never told me that he loves me. Then again, I've never said the words either, but I have a reason. JC has somebody, and I know I can't compete with her. She's too pretty, too smart. The trophy girlfriend. But she's still his, and that hurts. It hurts more than he'll ever know, because I always wonder if he loves me. The thought causes pain, but does JC really care?

Morning after morning, I wake up with the same thought-- will JC still be here when I completely come to? Will he still be snuggled against my side, the same way he was when we fell asleep? Will JC still make me feel like I need to protect him? Every morning, I keep thinking that he'll be gone when I wake up, leaving behind only a broken heart-- mine. But he keep proving me wrong, and I don't know why. What's so special about me that causes him to stay the entire night?

Why did I have to fall in love with JC when love only causes me pain? I don't want to be in love with him, but I am. And I'm too scared to tell JC that, because I don't want to scare him away from me. I *want* him to stay. I just don't know how to let him know that. I can't let him know that-- because of her. The pain deepens.

Nobody besides JC knows I'm gay. If the others knew... God, Justin wouldn't speak to me again, I don't think. He's almost as religious as I am, and he's as straight as I am gay. Complete opposites when it comes to that issue, and I don't think he would easily accept my homosexuality. Hell, he'd probably try to get me kicked out of the group. And I don't know what I'd do if that happened. This group is my everything. I can't go home to Mississippi, because then I'd be away from *him* and that would kill me. So telling Justin is out of the question. I value his friendship too much to destroy it by telling him.

Joey is the next to cross my mind. I don't know if he'd freak, as such, but he'd probably be uncomfortable around me. I mean, he's probably the most open-minded of all of us, but somehow, I don't think he'd accept me. He's not like that. He won't openly hate me, but he and Chris will make my life hell. I know them both too well to think otherwise. That's what they've done since the group started. They make fun of me for everything I do, and I take it. In the beginning, it was simply because I wanted to fit in, but now it's because I feel like I *deserve* what's thrown at me. Yeah, they probably think they're joking, but deep down, they know as well as I do that they're not. Words can cut deeper than knives sometimes. So Joey's out. That leaves only one. Chris.

Chris will hate me if he finds out. Sweet as he can be, he's so cruel with his comments most of the time, especially to me. I can't think up comebacks fast enough when he insults me, which only adds more fuel to his fire. Lance, the slow one. Lance, the one who can't dance. Lance, the one the fans can't hear when we're all singing, so what do we need him for? Lance, the *girl* of the group. I wonder if he's ever stopped to think about how much those comments hurt me. Probably not, even though he was the brunt of such teasing not too long ago. I thought he would be able to relate to me, but I guess he's paying back those years of hurt by hurting someone else. I'm just sorry his verbal punching bag had to be me. So Chris is out. My secret has to remain just that-- my secret.

This secret is such a hard one to keep, and yet I have to keep it if I want to continue my life as it is. I can't tell anyone about us, no matter how much it's killing me. I don't want to admit that I love JC, because then he'll break my heart. It always happens.

Every lover I've had has broken up with me when I wouldn't give them everything they wanted, so I don't let myself fall in love anymore. I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but he'll never know because I won't admit it. My feelings towards him will be buried deep inside me, just as all of my other emotions are. I feel like a Lance-robot, I really do. But that's how I want it.

"Just worried about FreeLance stuff," I lie. I feel like Pinnochio with his huge nose because of his lies. Or Cyrano De Bergerac, although he just had a big nose. I don't want JC to know my insecurities. I don't want JC to know my fears. I don't want to seem weak in front of JC. He'll leave me if I seem weak. So I have to be strong, even when I'm crumbling inside.

"You going to be OK?" JC's concern-filled voice is nearly my undoing, but I manage to hold myself together. I *will not* break down. I'm crumbling like a cookie inside but I will not let JC see that. Let us keep up our illusion of being fine for a while longer at least.

"Will you still be here in the morning?" My heart drops at JC's words. Does he have any idea what the innocence in his voice does to me? Does he have any idea how much that question burns my heart?

"Just go back to sleep." My voice cracks and I feel a bout of tear-induced laryngitis coming on. But I won't lie to him. I won't be his Pinnochio. I love him too much to lie to him.

I won't be here in the morning. I can't take the chance that he'll break my heart. JC doesn't love me, so his heart won't get broken. I know he doesn't love me. I heard JC talking to Justin about Bobbie the other day. JC told him that she means more to him than anything else. Well, if she's all that, then why is he here with me, night after night?

Once everything is packed, I take one last look at JC. He's curled himself around my pillow, holding it as if it were me. My heart warms for a minute before JC's words from the other day come back to haunt me and I quickly open the door. Once I'm gone, there is no turning back. I can't let JC back in, no matter what. He loves Bobbie, not me. I have to accept that, and I have to go back to being an outsider, constantly teased and harassed by Joey and Chris. I have to be terrified he'll accidentally tell someone. But most of all, I have to get used to being alone again. I have to get used to the pain.

But really, what else is new? Looking back one last time, I leave the room and close the door. I can't look back. I can't look back, even when I hear JC call my name. Tears come to my eyes, but I fight them back. I WILL NOT cry. I hear JC call my name again, but I can't look back. The elevator doors open suddenly, saving me from the sound of JC's voice. If I heard much more of it I'd end up turning back, showing JC the very weakness he hates.

I stop the elevator at the floor below the one where just an hour ago, I slept with JC. The room I reserved earlier today is waiting for me. I moved most of my stuff while JC was out playing basketball with Justin earlier. That hurts, too. JC never thinks to ask me if I'd like to come, even if it's just to watch. If we're fucking, which we *were*, shouldn't that give me some standing in his life? I guess not. Yet another reminder that this move was for the best, and I'm not the one JC loves. JC loves Bobbie, not Lance.

The bed isn't so inviting without JC in it, but at this point, I really don't care. My exhaustion from these last few sleepless nights overtakes me as I lay down, and sleep soon comes. A sleep that is as lonely as my heart.

Morning comes. I get no wakeup call, although I'm so used to getting up at this hour that I do it instinctively. My room is cold. And lonely, but it's the cold I feel most. He's not beside me to give me warmth and I feel the tears well up. Finally, I can let myself cry. I can let myself be weak, all because I let JC go. It hurt like hell, but I let him go. I keep hearing the conversation JC and Justin had in my head.

"Fun... what exactly does that mean, Josh?" Justin's teasing JC, but I can feel the pain of JC's words coursing through me. JC loves her. I knew that all along, I really did. It just hurts *so much* that JC's able to come out and say it when asked.

"JUSTIN! That's none of your business." JC sounds pretty happy, though. I can't even raise my eyes right now my heart is so shattered. The tears threaten to fall, but I *will not* cry in a public hallway. Despite what I've just heard, JC's conditioning sticks in me. Crying is for weaklings. It's bad for a man to cry. So I fight the tears and somehow manage to crawl back to the room I thought was for *us* but it turns out it was simply for JC and Lance. Nothing more than that. And so my heart breaks.

Fighting the memories, I get in the shower. This morning, it lasts shorter than it normally would. I don't want to spend too much time on one thing, because it will make me think of JC. Hell, everything I *do* makes me think of JC. This won't be pretty. I get on the phone and order breakfast for the guys before taking a deep breath and heading back upstairs. The place I fled from last night. The place where JC is. The place where, in about thirty seconds, I'm going to see JC again. Knocking on Justin's door, he opens it and immediately gets a pissed-off expression on his face.

"What are you talking about?" I play dumb, even though I'm cursing myself for forgetting that JC would probably run to Justin. What am I talking about-- why would JC run to Justin? It's not like JC got his heart broken, anyway. JC loves *Bobbie* and not me. I heard it myself just the other night, which is why I left in the first place.

"I'm not deaf, Justin. I heard you and JC talking about Bobbie the other day. So don't go yelling at *me* when he's the one who's been fucking around!" Wow, I used the word 'fuck' in a sentence. That's gotta be a first.

"He's had Bobbie all along, hasn't he?" I retort before Justin can get anything else out. At least he has the sense to look guiltily at the floor. "If he hasn't broken up with Bobbie yet, then obviously I don't mean anything to him."

"Since when have I known about you and Josh being gay?" Justin asks me, almost gently. I nod, not trusting my voice with anything more. "Since about four o'clock this morning when I get a knock at my door and an hysterical bandmate."

"You don't hate us?" I have to ask this. I can't handle it if Justin gets mad at me for being gay, because then he'll tell the others and I'll have to leave the group. And I don't want that.

"OH, SHIT IS RIGHT." Of all the people... "You little prick!" Hands grab at my collar again and this time, I'm slammed against Justin's door. For such a small man, Chris is *strong.* And when he's pissed... well, I don't really want to go there. "You fucking, dirty FAG!" Oh, and when Chris gets mad, he starts tossing out those lovely little names. One more knife added to my collection.

"You aren't even *worthy* of having your ass kicked, you fucking pansy," Chris spits at me. "We don't need your kind in this group, you fag. Now get lost before we get you arrested for rape!" My mouth drops open. Even at his most vindictive, I never imagined THIS! He lets me down and I find I can't meet his eyes, or Justin's. I'll start crying if I do.

"I do," Chris yells. "Now, get the FUCK out of my sight!" Before my tears come, I run back down the hall. It must be nice to have the others rally so quickly. It must be nice to be so fucking POPULAR that everyone takes his side without even hearing mine.

The room I rented yesterday suddenly seems to close in on me and I have to get out for a while. I know I won't be coming back, either, so I jot a few words down on a piece of paper. If Justin cares to come look for me, he'll find this. He could have said something when Chris was ripping into me. He could have *said* something! But he chose to support JC and remain silent. Like I said, must be nice.

I never unpacked my stuff last night, so I'm ready to go in seconds, really. I even leave Dirk behind, with instructions that, if someone hasn't contacted Hotel Management by later on tonight, he's to be returned to my family in Mississippi. I won't let an innocent animal suffer for my sins.

Heading downstairs, I pray that none of the fans in the lobby recognize me, and I'm in luck. I managed to get into the lobby at one of the few times when the screaming teenage fans actually were at *home* where they should have been all along. Even better, there's a cab right outside the door and I hop in, not daring to take a second look back. I don't want to see an empty space where my friends... if I had any left after today... should be. I direct the cabbie to take me to the airport and upon arrival, I take the first flight with an available seat. It just so happens that it's for a city six thousand miles away-- London.

It's a good thing one of the requirements of working in the entertainment industry is getting a work license in almost every country, or else I never would have been allowed in at Heathrow. At least with this visa, I can get a job and support myself. I don't know how long I'll be here, but I do know that JC probably won't come looking for me. Now he can live the rest of his life with his precious Bobbie without little Lance getting in the way. Doesn't everything just work out so nicely for him? Get rid of Lance and the world is perfect.

So far in the week I've been here, I've found myself a nice flat in the theatre district of London, which is one of my hidden passions. I always wanted to sing in the musical theatre, and now I have the chance, kind of. I can audition to my heart's content and try to forget about JC. I never said I would succeed, but I *did* say I would try. In fact, one of the first things I notice in the newspaper I picked up at the corner store is an ad for open auditions. With a little bit of work, maybe I can hide myself in this city.

I've dyed my hair back to it's natural color and have gotten colored lenses. My eyes aren't green anymore, they're plain ol' blue. And my hair is dirty blond, more dirty than blond. If I resemble anyone, it's Justin. No, Lance, don't think about JC and Justin and... Joey... and... and Chris. I've gotten about a dozen messages from him already on my voicemail, which I've just ordered deleted. Each message was worse than the last, reminding me how worthless I am and how if I ever show my face around them again, they'll charge me with rape and assault and all those other wonderful things that he's threatening me with. With friends like him, who needs enemies?

Looking at myself in the mirror before getting into bed in my new, empty flat, I can't help but think about him and what his opinion of my new look would be. Would he like it? Would he hate it? Or would he ignore the changes, just like he ignored so many others before? Before I lose it, I stop that train of thought in it's tracks and get into bed, forcing myself to focus on tomorrow's audition.

A whole month has gone by, and I haven't heard a thing about *NSync, if there still IS an *NSync. No press annoucements, no media, no nothing. It's strange. What is they trying to do--forget me? Try and pretend Lance Bass never existed? Even if they aren't aiming for that, I am. I haven't changed my name or anything, but my accent is almost gone. Spending a month working closely with a bunch of British people will do that to a person, I guess. I sound like I'm from Boston now, not Mississippi. It's kinda cool, actually. I'm Lance Bass from Boston, Mass. Haha, I rhymed.

"We have a statement to make," Justin starts off. It's a press conference, something I'm familiar enough with. But why would... oh. Scott must have recognized me or something.

"What's the conference about?" I ask Scott under my breath, watching five or six other people from our cast get settled around the room. Scott shrugs and heads for the couch. Jacob, Rosie, Aeva, Michael and Scott all settle in while all I can do is stare at the T.V. JC looks like hell. What's happened in the month I've been gone?

"It's about the current state of *NSync," Joey picks up where Justin left off. "And the fact that we are one member short." I notice Chris mutter something under his breath and can almost make out the words, 'fucking pansy fag.' Nice to know that his opinion of me has sunk even lower than where it was when I left.

"Lance decided to take a short break due to some personal problems," Justin says, shooting JC a look in the process. Why is he looking at JC like he's so fucking FRAGILE when JC's had Bobbie in his bed this last month? Does JC know how *cold* an empty bed is? Probably not.

"Why do you say that, Chris?" another reporter asks. Justin looks like he's ready to crawl under a table, Joey looks scared, and JC... JC looks like he's about to cry. Why? Why does JC have to look so fucking SAD and helpless? Why does JC have to make my heart bleed like this? Why does he have to make me love him? And why did JC have to make me HURT so fucking much?

"For the sake of the group, I won't go into details," Chris answers, evading the question but demonstrating that all is not well within the *NSync ranks. "Suffice to say, it may be a while before Lance even *thinks* about returning." There it is, that sutble dig that reminds me that I'm not welcome in his presence anymore. I'm not acceptable to him, therefore I must be silenced. I must be ignored, like a parasite. I'm HUMAN, Chris, or have you forgotten that? Out of the corner of my eye, I catch Scott's worried glance.

"I wanted to disappear," I tell them uncomfortably. My secret is out. They know who I am, and sooner or later, Chris and his barbs are going to find me. They're already stabbing me through the television, but I can almost sense him coming closer in person.

"Why not?" Jacob asks in all innocence just as JC's face flashes on the screen. I guess he notices my expression because he turns to see what's got my attention just in time to see Justin return to the screen.

"We actually have a request for you all, and for Lance if he's watching. If anyone knows where Lance is, please let us know! He disappeared a month ago and *some* of us have been trying to find him," Justin says, shooting Chris a dirty look before continuing, "so please help us. And Lance, if you're watching, please call me or Joey. We need to talk to you about something. Something *important.* Thank you." With that, the conference ends and Aeva turns off the T.V.

"Something tells me that's not all," Jacob says. "What's the rest of it? I feel like I know you, Lance, and I know you're strong enough to brush off anybody that says anything to you. What did this person *really* say?"

"You guys know I'm gay, right?" I ask them, deciding that I need to get this off my chest. At their nods, I smile almost bitterly. "One of my beloved bandmates told me that unless I left the bad, he would have me charged with rape and assault."

"It's strange for him to taunt me like that because *he* was the target of the teasing not too long ago. I guess he's forgotten what it feels like. Either that, or he just doesn't care."

"Guys, relax. I don't have to see him if I don't want to, so leave it at that. PROMISE me that you won't go after him." I see them exchange looks and I frown. "*Promise* me, you two."

"Thank God!" Justin. How in the HELL did he... it must have been Aeva or one of them that called in and told Justin where I was. It must have been them that gave Jacob's phone number. And it's them I'm going to throttle next time I see them.

"What?" is that really my voice? Has it changed so much in the month I've been here that I can sound so cold and unfeeling towards one of my best--excuse me, FORMER--friends?

"Sorry, Scott," I say to my friend. Heading for my room to give myself some privacy, I sigh softly and turn my attention back to the phone in my hand. "Sorry, J," I say to Justin.

"You haven't seen him..." Justin starts. I cut him off before he can continue. I don't want to hear about how JC has suffered. *JC* has Bobbie at his side. Who has Lance had? Nobody, until recently. So I don't want to hear Justin whine about how he's suffering. I'm the one with the broken heart here.

"*YOU* haven't seen *ME,*" I interrupt him. "The day I left, you fucking HEARD Chris outside in the hall, yelling at me and yet you stayed silent. You took his side, Justin, so that makes you one more person that betrayed me. One more person that broke my heart." Shit, I didn't mean to say that out loud! Now he knows how I feel about Josh... Sure enough, Justin picks up on my choice of words.

"If you love him so much, why did you... oh. Hi, Bobbie." I let out a snort and somehow, I sense Justin's realization of why I left JC that night. I can hear her chipper voice over the phone, and I can tell Justin is trying to get rid of her as best he can so he can talk to me. I think this is the first time I've heard him be RUDE to JC's girlfriend. Wow, what a difference a month can make. A scuffle sounds on the other end of the phone and suddenly Justin's yelling something.

"Lance..." that's all I hear before hanging up the phone. I can't handle hearing Justin's voice, knowing that he's so close to Josh. Hearing Bobbie's voice only made it worse and all I can do right now is cry. I cry for my broken heart. I cry for the pain of missing my best friends. And most of all, I cry for lost love.

Days pass in a blur. I can't even focus on the performances at this point, so it's a good thing Jacob was ready to step into my role. Scott took over for Jacob, leaving me to join the chorus, which is fine by me. I want the ease and solitude of being part of a group again. It's comforting, which is something I've been sorely missing these past weeks. On this particular night, though, Jacob refuses to go on for me.

"Lance, you are performing tonight," Jacob firmly tells me. "Scott and I aren't going to take this anymore. You need to get your life back to normal." I let out a bitter laugh.

"My life stopped being normal the day I fell in love with one of my best friends. My life stopped being normal the night I left the man I love behind in order to save myself a broken heart. And my life stopped being normal the next morning, when Chris kicked me out of *NSync."

"OK, I'll grant you that. But have you ever had your best friends turn on you? Have you ever had one of them threaten to charge you with rape if you came near one of your other friends--the one you love more than life itself? Have you ever been REJECTED by your friends, forcing you to leave them behind to save your sanity?" I've got them there. They can't possibly know how I feel about Josh. Nobody can know how I feel about him.

"Your... *NSync is here," he finally says and I turn around, too. Justin stands just in front of Chris and Joey, who have JC protectively behind them. For once, Bobbie is nowhere in sight.

"You want to be friends with the fag?" I hear Chris ask Justin as they walk down the hall towards the auditorium. I guess they'll be at the performance tonight. *JC* will be at the performance tonight. Watching me sing. Watching me dance. Watching me live without him. The idea is terrifying and I have to sit down before my legs give out. He'll be watching me tonight.

"SHIT!" Jacob yells, being nowhere near dressed yet. Aeva laughs at him and continues down the hall to get her wig adjusted. Scott trails after her, leaving Jacob and me alone for a few minutes.

"JC," I whisper, speaking his name aloud for the first time in over a month. I've thought about him so often, yet I never allowed myself to say his name. Five minutes later--how DOES he do that--Jacob and I are ready. Running to the stage, we arrive just as the Overture starts. Gasps of surprise are heard from the children as they watch the show for the first time, and murmers of pleasure as the adults see it again.

Taking a deep breath right before entering, I try to forget they're here, and try to focus on my part. Jacob winking at me during the dance doesn't help matters, but it does make me smile. Smiling is almost foreign to me now. Does he see what he's done to me? Of course not--he's got Bobbie. Pushing thoughts of JC out of my mind, I try and get my focus back onto the show, where it belongs. But I know in the back of my mind that I'll see him backstage after. Chris will come back to throw more insults at me and he'll just stand there, sheilded by him and Joey, looking at me with those eyes of his. Those damned eyes of his that will make me melt and feel guilty for leaving. Fuck this shit all to hell.

I am so not looking forward to this. The show's been over for about half an hour now, and I just *know* that JC and the others are going to show up in my dressing room again. I can sense it in my bones. Joey used to call it my *NSync-sense, kinda like Spidey-sense. That was probably one of the only nice things he ever said to me. The rest of the time, he and Chris would insult me and make me feel worthless. This past month has been good for me in a way. Jacob and Scott and the others have worked their asses off to break me of my insecurities and they've succeeded, for the most part. I no longer feel as worthless as I did, but seeing Chris earlier brought all those feelings back. I know that when the guys show up, I'm going to revert back to the Lance I was before I left. And I don't want that. I want to be the new Lance--the strong Lance, even if he is a lie.

"Now what do you want?" I ask him, looking in the mirror as he enters the room, followed by Joey. JC and Justin come in last, quietly talking and I feel the so-familiar knife enter my heart. Justin glances at me and seems to understand what I want.

"Gay-boy needs big ol' Justy to protect him," taunts Chris. I see JC's face tighten, but only those who know him as well as I do... did... would be able to catch it. What is he so pissed off about?

"SHUT UP!" Shocked, I look at the other person in the room. Joey. Joey actually came to my defense. Well, maybe not mine, but certainly Justin's. I can't believe Joey actually took a stand against Chris.

"Shut the fuck up," he hisses, voice deadly low. "I am *sick* of hearing gay bashing comments from you, Christopher. Maybe it wasn't *Lance* who needed to leave the band. Maybe it was *YOU.*" My mouth at this point is on the floor. I can't believe this. I fucking can't believe this. Chris's face is furious and he turns to glare at Joey.

"I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S SICK!" Chris screams. Jacob pokes his head in the room, but Justin pushes him back out and closes the door firmly, trapping the five of us in here. And who knows how many of us will make it out alive.

"Lance and Josh aren't sick, Chris," Justin starts. JC's head snaps up at the sound of his name and those damned eyes of his meet mine. Even from across the room, I can see the emptiness in them. I know he can see the emptiness in mine, but I don't really care at this point. I'm still so shocked that Joey defended me, and now Justin is telling Chris off!

"Yes, Chris, I'm gay." Those four words seem to take all the wind out of Chris's angry sails and he sits down suddenly. "And I don't like the comments you've been making about gay people. I don't like the things you've said about Lance." I shoot JC a quick look to see if he's really serious about this, and he seems to be. Despite all that's happened...

"What do *you* care?" Chris suddenly comes out with. "He left you in the middle of the night, Josh. Or had you forgotten that?" Fuck Chris! He just pulled out the one thing he knew would hurt me the most. I quickly find Jacob's chair (he and I share a dressing room) and sit down before I fall down. My legs can't support me anymore. The pain is just too great.

"I realize that, Chris," JC telld him, voice surprisingly gentle. "And I know why." My head comes up at that. Who told him? Justin looks at the floor, suddenly guilty and I flush. Fuck Justin, too.

"Not really." Again, my head comes up. If JC know why I ran that night, why won't he tell him? Why won't JC hurt me like everyone else has? Why does he have to make me remember why I love him in the first place? For once, though, JC's resolve silences Chris and no more words are spoken for a good five minutes. Justin clears his throat suddenly and we all look at him.

"How have you been, Lance?" he asks me softly, moving over to sit beside me on a chair he's pulled up. Joey stays by Chris--surprise, surprise, despite Joey's new backbone--and JC stays by the door.

"Lance, there's... oh, it's you." her whole attitude suddenly becomes cold and it's good thing looks can't kill, or else *NSync would be short four members. Especially Chris.

"And they know we fought that morning," Chris sighs. "I swear everyone is out to get me." Another knock at the door causes us all to look at it and it slowly opens, reavealing my parents standing there. Chris and Joey excuse themselves, leaving Justin, my parents, me, and JC in there. After greeting my parents, Justin, too, leaves us. Now it's just the four of us. My mother sits next to me in the chair Justin vacated while my father pulls JC down onto the couch Jacob and I put in here to catch naps on. The four of us just sit in silence for a while before my mother gets up the nerve to break it.

"Why the HELL did you leave?" my father suddenly yells at me. "Was Chris right? Are you a fag?" His words, even spoken in concerned anger, drive yet another knife into my heart. My own father thinks I'm weak.

"How could Chris do this?" my mother asks, a few tears escaping as she moves to hug me. JC's just sitting there with this shocked look on his face. Why so surprised, Josh? You got rid of me so you could be with Bobbie, so what more did you want? Chris did you a favor, you know.

"I don't know, Mama," I finally tell her. "I don't know." The room is silent again, broken only by the occasional sob from my mother. I can't remember the last time she got so emotional. Probably at my sister's wedding. Finally, my father takes a breath and looks at me.

"After our son... left... you seemed to get close to that woman awfully quickly," my father says. "Do you love James?" I've got my head buried in my mother's shoulder. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to hear this...

"He's just outside," Michael says with a grin. "He's been looking like he wants to go right through the door." Following Michael outside, I do notice that Justin looks anxious.

"At Michael's!" I tease her. It's a running joke among the cast that she and Michael are dating, even though we know they're not. Don't ask what got us started on that, but we think it's funny.

"Shut up, Meka." Don't ask about that one, either. Even I don't know why they started calling me that. Laughing to myself, I leave the theatre and start to head home. About halfway down the block, I hear a voice.

"Lance?" Turning, I see all five of the guys standing there, looking at me. "Can we talk to you?" I guess the guys have elected Justin to be their spokesman because it's him doing all the talking.

"If you really want. I don't care one way or the other." Whispering something to Chris, Joey releases JC's hand so it's just us now. He stands there, looking at me, and I stand here, looking at him. What happened to us?

"Then why did you ask?" We're at my car now and he gets in the passenger side seat, watching me climb into the driver's seat. We're silent for the first ten minutes of the half-hour drive before he turns to me.

"Oh, God." Tears are streaming down JC's face, but I refuse to listen to them. I let JC play me for a fool once before. It's not going to happen again. I'm not going to let myself get hurt again, no matter if I still love him. He hurt me, and I am *never* going back. I can't go back. The rest of the ride is silent and when I pull up in front of my flat, I find Jacob and Scott are waiting. Jacob's jaw drops when he sees JC get out of my car and Scott looks like he's going to kill somebody. Probably me, but anyway.

"What are you guys doing here?" I demand as Justin pulls up in the rental. Joey and Chris slowly get out of the backseat, warily eyeing my new friends. JC just walks over to Justin and whispers something to him. I'd love to know what, but it's not important.

"We'll see you tomorrow, Lance," Jacob says in a tone of voice that tells me I'd better call him the instant the guys leave and give him all the details. Scott drags Jacob away, leaving the five of us alone. Unlocking my flat, I let the guys in and watch as their faces get shocked expressions on them. Never thought that Lance would have taste in decorating, did you? Never thought that he didn't need his mommy telling him what to do. I'll stop now.

"This place is... beautiful," Joey is the first to say. "God, where did you FIND some of this stuff?" The entire flat is decorated in the style of the musical theatre, with playbills, posters, costumes and photos covering the walls of the living room like wallpaper. Autographs also littered the walls-- autographs of theatre legends. There were even a few small props laying around. The rest of the rooms are themed. One is devoted to The Phantom Of The Opera, which is my favorite musical. Another is devoted to The Lion King, and I also have an Aida room. My bedroom is the Cats room.

"From my friends," I tell him. "Jacob, Scott, Michael, Aeva, Rosie and a couple of others took it upon themselves to help me decorate this place. Took us about a week to find all this stuff, but it was worth it. Most of it wasn't even that expensive. It was fun, checking out all the souvenir shops and antique places around town."

"I guess I'll start," Joey says. "Lance, first, I'm sorry for being an asshole for the last five years." Raising an eyebrow, I wait for him to go on. "And I want you to know that it's just not the same without you. I miss you, Scoop." Finishing his little speech, he sits down and Justin gets up.

"I'm sorry, too, Lance. I honest-to-God never meant to hurt you. I just hope that someday you'll forgive me for the things I've done. I just hope we can become friends again, even after all that's happened." Justin takes his seat again. JC and Chris just look at each other, unwilling to speak until Chris sighs.

"Shut up," Chris says, smiling a little. The smile disappears as he looks at me. "I'm only going to apologize for what I said to you the morning you left. I was mad. I never would have charged you with rape or assault. But that's all my apology is for. Nothing else." And he's done. That leaves Josh.

"I heard you admit that you love her, Josh. How can *I* compete with the woman you said means more to you than anything else?" Damn Chris for making me feel so insecure. And damn Josh for looking at me with those damned bright blue eyes of his that I fell in love with.

"Shut up and let me finish. Yes, I love Bobbie. She is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me." JC's words are driving nails into the coffin of my heart. Please, don't finish... "But I don't love her like I love you." What?

"Bobbie is my best female friend, Lance, nothing more. Justin told me you thought she and I were sleeping together after you left. No, we weren't. She knew I was upset because you left me, so she came to offer a shoulder to cry on. Nothing more."

"Why am I not believing you, JC?" I can't let myself trust him with my heart again. I can't let myself get hurt, because if I do, I don't think I could survive. It was hard enough this time. What happens the next time? Before he can go any farther, Justin appears in the doorway.

"We're fine, now go away," JC orders gently. Justin grins and obeys, letting out a whoop at whatever he sees on the T.V. in my room. I don't think I want to know what Chris and Joey have got it on. JC turns back to me and I look down, not wanting to meet his eyes.

"I swear to you, Lance. I don't love Bobbie in a romantic way. She's like my sister, only closer. I love you." My jaw hits the floor. JC's just said he loves me-- twice! Is this some kind of cruel joke? "And no, this is not a cruel joke. When you left... when you left that morning, I cried for hours. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I had driven you away."

"I thought you loved Bobbie and that I was just a body to keep you warm at night when you were missing her. I had to leave before I got my heart broken." JC looks at me with such adoration that I can't meet his eyes anymore. I feel so stupid now.

"That sounds good to me," I whisper, allowing myself to lean into his arms. I feel like I've come home. And home is where the heart is. And my heart has always been with Josh, so I guess he *is* home.