The Purest of Pain

Inner Reflection | home

Note: There will be a sequel

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He picked up the phone and dialed the number he knew by heart, his weakness showing through, the need to hear that voice that sent chills up and down his spine whenever he heard it.

He waited for the person on the other end to pick up the phone, praying that he was doing the right thing. Hoping that the person on the other end wouldn't break his heart again.

"Hello?" came the voice the young man longed to hear.

"Josh?" the young man asked quietly.

"Lance?" came the hesitant voice. "Why are you calling me?" Now the voice was filled with anger and pain.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sorry didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it

I guess I was weak, couldn't even hide it

And so I surrendered, just to hear your voice

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I'm sorry, I just...I just couldn't...I had to hear your voice, Josh," the young blond tearfully stated, as he cringed from the tone in the other man's voice.

"Well, you heard me. Now good-bye!" stated the handsome brunet on the other end, breaking the young blond's heart all over again.

"I'm sorry to have bothered you JC. I wish I knew what it was that I did to make you hate me so much. I never wanted my love for you to ruin our friendship. That was the last thing I ever wanted to happen," the adorable, sweet blond apologized brokenly to the young man on the other end of the phone. Tears streamed down his face as he prepared to hang up the phone, only to stop when he heard the other's reply.

"You don't know what *you* did? That's a laugh. You practically told the whole world that we were dating Lance. You and that 'open mouth insert foot' mouth of yours," the older man stated cruelly to the young blond on the other end of the phone.

"I'm sorry..." came the quiet, tearful apology.

On the other end of the phone, the handsome brunet's heart was breaking as he heard the younger man's voice crack with each word.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Don't know how many times I said I'm gonna live without you

And maybe someone else is standing there beside you

But there's something, baby you need to know

That deep inside me, I feel like I'm dying

I have to see you, it's all that I'm asking

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I don't know why I said it out loud JC. I guess I felt I needed to stake my claim to you. You and Bobbee were..." the younger man's voice trailed off, his heart wrenching painfully as he tried desperately to control the emotions that raged though him.

"Well, you nearly outted us to everyone Lance. My parents, my siblings, my grandparents, the WORLD!" the brunet angrily stated, his mind going back to that day on Rosie's show when she asked them all if anyone other than Justin was dating anyone.

"Here we are. Back with my very special guests. NSYNC!" Rosie O'Donnell announced as they came back from a commercial.

The guys were all seated as they have been before, this time JC was in the chair that was against Rosie's desk. Lance sat right next to him, with Chris on the other side of him, and Joey and Justin in the back.

"Okay, first of all, the question that every single girl in America,

including myself, wants to know," the hysterical hostess started, catching the groans and the quip from Chris before she could ask the question.

"Okay, I admit it. I'm really a woman trapped in this body. That's why my voice is so high. She's been trying to get out for years, but I wouldn't let her," the irrepressible, eldest member joked, causing Rosie and half the audience to laugh and Justin and Joey to get into the joke.

"Oh yeah. You should see him Rose, he walks around the tour bus saying things like. 'Are my thighs to fat?' " the curly haired blond piped in as he watched the mischievous look that was now crossing over Chris' face.

"Oh, and then there's 'My hair looks like crap! I'm not going out lookin' like this,' " the adorable Italian came up with, as he looked at the audience, smiling like a Cheshire cat as he saw the smiles and heard the laughter.

Lance and JC had been laughing and smiling along with them, but didn't join in on the joke. They watched as Rosie tried to compose herself enough to be able to go on with the show.

"You guys are too much. I love having you all on my show," Rosie told them as she wiped her eyes with a tissues before looking at the audience. "Aren't they just the best? Kim is gonna have a fit cause my mascara is running."

All the guys just grinned at Rosie before she was able to get a good grip on herself and ask the question that she had started to ask earlier.

"All right guys, seriously now. Other than Justin, are any of you dating anyone special?" came the inevitable question.

All the guys looked at each other. They knew why Justin was excluded from this question. It was no secret that he was dating Britney. The whole world knew that thanks to her. If it had been up to him, he would have preferred that everyone didn't know he was with her. Sometimes, like now, he wished that he wasn't.

"Well, as many people already know, I'm still with my girlfriend of five years," the sweet twenty-nine year old brunet stated as he looked directly into the camera. "Dani baby, I love ya!"

"I'm still looking, Rosie. I'm not really ready for a steady girl yet, but someday..." the handsome Italian stated as he gave Rosie a shy little smile that grew into a huge grin when he heard some of the shouts coming from the audience.

"I'll be yours Joey!" shouted one girl.

"Call me Joey, we'll hook-up!" came from another girl.

That went on for a while before Rosie grabbed a pad and pen. Then looking into the audience she spoke.

"After the show, I'll get all of your addresses and phone numbers and give them to Joey. Who knows, he might just call one of you," the charismatic talk show host stated as she put the young Italian on the spot.

Once the audience's chatter died down some, Rosie was then able to ask the two members who had been quiet through out the entire thing.

"Now, Lance? JC? How about you two handsome young boys? Are either of you seeing anyone special?" Rosie asked, watching as Lance's cheeks suddenly turned red. JC, who knew that the question was coming, ducked his head slightly and was about to mention Bobbee, when he heard Lance answer the question unconsciously for him.

"Yeah, JC and I are dating..." the young blond started, catching the look that his secret lover shot at him before it registered EXACTLY how he had worded that. He was well aware of the sudden gasps and looks from his three bandmates, who were the only ones who knew about their relationship.

Rosie was a bit stunned at first when she noticed the look JC was giving the suddenly pale looking green-eyed blond. She looked out into the audience and could tell that none of them had a clue as to what Lance had just said. They were all waiting for him to finish by telling them the names of the girls they were seeing.

Realizing his major blunder, Lance recovered quickly and managed to save their asses.

"Um, I'm dating a nice girl from Florida, and um JC..." the young blond stated before turning his attention to his lover who was trying desperately not to glare at him and give his anger away.

"I'm still with Bobbee," the handsome, silver-blue eyed brunet stated

flatly before turning back to Rosie.

"Well boys, that's great," the still stunned host stated happily before turning back to the audience. "More with NSYNC when we come back," she stated. Her voice held just a hint of emotion in it.

Once the camera's were off, JC grabbed Lance's hand and dragged him off stage. Once they were in the dressing room, the yelling began.

"I know JC. It's killing me that I killed what we had, I never meant to do that," the young blond stated quietly, tears still streaming down his face as he continued. "When you told me it was over back stage JC, I felt like I was dying inside. I still do," he stated softly, a whisper barely heard by the young brunet on the other end of the phone, but it was heard. "I keep telling myself that I'll get through life without you by my side, that my own stupidity caused our breakup, that it was all my fault and I deserve to not have you as mine," the green-eyed blond stated, his deep voice thick with tears as he cradled the phone against his ear.

"Lance?" the young man on the other end started, before the younger man he was talking to cut him off.

"I better go Josh. I know you're not alone. I just wanted to hear your voice again. I would have liked to have seen you again before we go on tour and have to pretend that we meant nothing to each other, but I know that's impossible. It would have been the last thing to hope for I guess. I'm sorry I fucked things up for us Josh, " the adorable, broken little blond stated as the tears continued to fall.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Baby, give me back my fantasy. The courage that I need to live,

the air that I breathe.

Cariño mio (Living without you), my world's become so empty.

The days are so cold and lonely

and each night I taste the purest of pain.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Lance?" the handsome brunet on the other end tried again, and again he was cut off by the broken young man on the other end; the young man that he still loved.

"I guess having you for myself was just a fantasy that should have never been," the young blond started as he unconsciously pulled on the end of his shirt. "I want to thank you for being my rock JC, for giving me the courage I needed to love you and to tell you that I love you. You were and still are the air that I breathe Josh, and living without you by my side just... " the young blond said, his voice trailing off, unable to finish what it was he wanted to say.

On the other end of the phone JC could hear the pain in his young lover's voice, his ex-lover that is. He knew that Lance was hurting and that he blamed himself for the pain he was going through now. What the green-eyed blond didn't know was that he was going through the same pain. The young brunet was brought back from his reverie when the young man on the other end of the phone started talking again.

"I promise not to bother you when we go back on tour again next week JC. I'm not plannin' on making things anymore difficult than they already are," the young blond assured quietly as he looked down at his feet, watching detachedly as the tears hit his shoes one by one. "I spoke with Justin and Chris earlier. Chris said that he would share a bus with you and Joey, while I share with Justin," Lance told the man he loved, while choking back a sob that threatened to escape.

Feeling the need to end the call quickly before he made an even bigger fool of himself, the gentle blond decided say his good-byes so he could hang up and break down in peace.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

wish I could tell you I'm feeling better everyday.

That I didn't hurt when you walked away.

But to tell you the truth I can't find my way.

Down deep inside me I feel like I'm dying

I have to see you that's all that I'm asking

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I'll let you go now Josh, I'm sorry if I interrupted your evening," the unhappy green-eyed blond apologized quietly into the phone. His grip on it as he spoke turned his knuckles white. "You were smart to get out when you did. I was never very good at hiding our relationship anyway. I loved you too much to really want to hide it. I still do," the heartbroken young man confessed, his voice straining to hold back the pain that was so evident in it. "I won't say that it didn't hurt me when you walked away from me Josh, and I wish I could tell you that I'm getting over losing you, but in all honesty, I can't. Without you, I'm lost. Without you...I'm empty," Lance said softly, his voice barely above a whisper, causing the young brunet on

the other end to stain to hear him.

On the other end of the phone, JC heard the pain that was coming through so loud and so clear, that he could actually feel it himself. He could feel the knife twisting more and more with each word that came out of the young blond on the other end of the phone.

"Lance, we..." the young brunet started, his own voice starting to break with the emotion that he had kept pent up inside since he left the young, green-eyed blond.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Give me back my fantasies

the courage that I need to live

the air that I breathe

my world's become so empty

my days are so cold and lonely

each night I taste the purest of pain

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hearing his love's voice on the other end, Lance closed his eyes and

savored the sound that had always been music to his ears. To Lance, JC's voice always sang to him. Even if all he did was talk. During the times that they had been intimate with each other, hearing JC's voice had always calmed and soothed him. Now all it did was bring pain to his heart and tears to his beautiful pale-green eyes. Eyes that have lost their sparkle, their luster, their hope of a life spent with the one person that his heart cried out for.

"Lance?" the young brunet called softly when he didn't hear the younger man on the other end. His own heart clenched painfully when he heard the sound of quiet sobbing on the other end. "Lance please answer me," JC pleaded, not able to stand the pain he heard coming from the smaller blond.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Give me back my fantasies

the courage that I need to live

the air that I breathe

my world's become so empty

my days are so cold and lonely

each night I taste the purist of pain

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hearing JC call his name only caused the young blond to become more upset as he clutched the phone tightly to his chest, desperately trying to calm himself enough to be able to say good-bye to the man he loved; the man that he knew now he would always love.

"Lance, please answer me. Are you all right?" the young brunet asked quietly, a note of desperation in his voice as he waited for the young man to answer back.

JC could still hear the sound of quiet sobbing coming through the other end of the phone. He turned to see the worried faces of his other bandmates, who were now standing next to him with worried faces of their own.

Trying to get himself back into control, Lance mentally berated himself because it had been him who had called his former lover just to hear him,just to be able to talk to him, even if it was to get yelled at by him. He just had to call him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

give me back my fantasies

the courage that I need to live the air that I breathe

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Lance?!" the young, blue-eyed brunet called into the phone again. All anger he felt towards the smaller blond quickly melted with each painful sob he heard coming from the younger man. "Please Lance, answer me,"

Still clutching the phone tightly against his chest as he tried as hard as he could to stop crying, the gentle, green-eyed young man shakily brought the phone back up to his ear, nearly losing it again when he heard the angelic voice of the man he would die loving.

"Lance? Please, I need..." the handsome, blue-eyed brunet started, desperate to hear the voice of the young blond on the other end, sighing with relief when he finally did hear him.

"I need to go JC," the green-eyed blond stated softly, his deep voice thick with emotion. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to call you, to cause anymore problems between us. I never wanted us to end Josh, but I screwed up and...and I'm sorry," the younger man stated quietly, his voice filled with pain as he said his good-byes.

"Lance..." JC started again, before the young blond on the other end of the phone cut him off again. Lance's words caused his heart to ache and tears of his own to silently cascade down his face.

"This was a big mistake Josh, me calling you." Lance stated quietly, hisvoice still raw with emotion as he cradled the phone against his ear with ashaky hand. "I thought I was strong enough to handle it, but I was wrong,"confessed the smaller blond. "I meant what I said earlier. I won't botheryou anymore Josh. Once the tour starts, I'll keep myself busy so that wewon't run into each other so much. I'm sorry I ruined this for us. I nevermeant to," the sweet, green-eyed man stated again as tears slid relentlesslydown his face.

The need to get off the phone so he could just scream was becoming moreinsistent for the young blond.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight

I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it

and so I surrendered just to hear your voice

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Lance I think..." JC tried again before hearing the other man's pain filled emission as he started to hang up.

Desperately wanting to get off the phone now before he started crying again and letting his ex-lover know just how weak he truly was

without him, Lance decided to end the call once and for all.

"I better let you go now Josh. I really only called just to hear your

voice. I never could hide my feelings for you ya know," the adorable

green-eyed blond confessed as he felt his heart break even more with that confession. "Good-bye Josh, I'll see ya around," Lance told his love as his heart finally shattered into a million tiny little pieces. "I love you Josh, I always have and I always will," he whispered into the phone before pulling it away from his ear so he could hang it up.

Hearing how much pain he had caused the younger man, the man that he loved more than anything else in the world, JC screamed into the phone, hoping to be able to catch the green-eyed man attention before he hung up the phone.

Lance was about to hang the phone up when he heard JC's frantic cry through the phone. Bringing the phone tentatively back up to his ear, the small blond tersely answered his former lover, his love.

"Yeah?" came the softly spoken reply.

"Give me three hours to catch the next flight to Mississippi, Lance," the young brunet stated, smiling when he heard his young lover's breath catch in his throat.

"I love you too Lance. I can't live without you, or without hearing your voice. I need to be with you."

"Josh," the young blond whispered into the phone, more tears falling down his face.

This time they were tears of love. Love that had come out of the purest of pain.

On both ends of the phone, the same song could be heard playing in the

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight it

I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it

And so I surrendered just to hear your voice

And you know how many times I've said that I'm gonna live without you

And maybe someone else was standing there beside you

But there's something baby that you need to know

Down deep inside me I feel like I'm dying

I have to see you that's all that I'm asking

Give me back my fantasies

The courage that I need to live

The air that I breathe

My world's become so empty

My days are so cold and lonely

Each night I taste the purest of pain

I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better everyday.

That I didn't hurt when you walked away.

But to tell you the truth I can't find my way.

Down deep inside me I feel like I'm dying

I have to see you that's all that I'm asking

Give me back my fantasies

the courage that I need to live

the air that I breathe

my world's become so empty

my days are so cold and lonely

each night I taste the purest of pain

Give me back my fantasies

the courage that I need to live

the air that I breathe

my world's become so empty

my days are so cold and lonely

each night I taste the purest of pain

give me back my fantasies

the courage that I need to live the air that I breathe

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call you but I couldn't fight

I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it

and so I surrendered just to hear your voice