Inner Reflection | home
back to More
back | Somewhere They Can't Find Me | The Eyes of the Cat | The Purest of Pain | The Stick | Yesterday's Letter | When Love Hurts
Yesterday's Letter
Copyright © 2000-2001 by Rebecca Stewart
~~>~>~>~>~>~>~~>~>~>~>~>~>~~>~>~>~>~<~<~<~<~<~<~~<~<~<~<~<~<<~~<~
Hmm...
okay, I wrote this story while I was in a bad mood (okay so I'm still
in a bad mood.) and right after I heard the song. (For those of you
who like 98 degrees. BUY THEIR NEW AALBUME IT IS *SO* WORTH IT!!!)
[DISCLAIMER] Look at them! go on, take a good look at ALL of them.
now tell me. If I owned those 5 gorgeous young men, do you really and
truely think I would be sitting here right now typing this damn
disclaimer out? well, do you? Go ahead and sue me. I got no money.
College took it all. And if ya don't like the idea of two men loving
eachother, then why the hell are ya readin' this?!
"Yesterday's Letter"
{The song is by 98 degrees}
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The young man wandered aimlessly around the studio. His band mates,
close by, kept an eye on their sullen brother.
It had been a week since the person that mattered the most to the
young blond walked out of his life. His words still echoed in his
head as tears stung at the back of his eyes.
{{My love for you ruined my life! A love that was all a lie!}}
Closing his eyes to the pain that engulfed him, the handsome, green-
eyed blond tried desperately to keep the tears that threatened to
escape his already puffy, bloodshot eyes from falling.
He was pulled from his pain filled memory by a gentle tugging on his
arm. He looked up to see concerned azure eye's gazing at him. Behind
the curly haired young man stood two more of his brothers. Both of
whom held the same sad looks in their eyes as the taller blond.
"You okay, Lance?" the taller blond asked, his eyes held concern for
him.
"No," came the to quiet reply.
"He didn't mean it, buddy. You…you have to know that he didn't
mean it," came from a voice behind the taller blond. The adorable
jokester's face held sadness and anger.
"Yes, he did, Chris. He meant it," the smaller blond stated sadly,
his eye's boring a hole into the floor.
"Lance..." started the last of his brothers. The Italian's concern
for the smaller blond raging through his watery, chocolate colored
eyes.
"I wrote a letter yesterday," the sweet blond stated unconsciously.
The sound of his voice caused more concern to rise in his friends'
already tense bodies.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
I wrote a letter yesterday
Just trying to explain
Couldn't find the words to say
Cause you are so far away, so far away
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
"What did you say to him, Lance?" questioned the taller blond, his
hands reaching out to pull the smaller blond to him. He wrapped his
arms gently around the broken young man before him.
Joey and Chris moved closer so that they could hear the younger man.
Both of them wanted to do whatever they could to help their younger
bother, to offer what ever they could to him.
"I asked him why? Why did he do this to me? Why he just walked away
from me? From our life." the green-eyed youngman told them, tears
streaming down his face as he cried into the taller blonde's
shoulder. "Why did he say he never loved me?" came the soft,
heartbroken question.
"Oh, Lance," the tall, curly haired blond breathed as he wrapped his
arms tightly around his miserable friend. "He didn't mean it. He was
upset about all the crap that the media said. About what management
said. It just got to him. He loves you, Lance. You have to believe
that." Justin told his green-eyed brother, pulling him closer when he
felt the sobbs becoming harsh and unforgiving. Secretly he vowed to
hunt the handsome, blue-eyed brunet down and beat the crap out of
him.
As the smaller blond gave into the emotions that had been eating at
him for a week, he thought back to that day. The day the man he loved
beyond all those that mattered to him in his life, said the words
that crushed his heart and left him broken and alone.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
I wrote a letter yesterday
It's so hard for me to face
That it had to end this way
But my love will never change, will never change
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
{FLASHBACK}
"What do you mean they found out?" yelled an angry blue-eyed brunet,
his body shaking with anger as he held the newspaper in a death grip.
"I'm sorry, JC. Somehow the media got hold of a picture of you and
Lance...kissing. I don't know how they got it. I told both of you to
be more careful," the band's manager, Johnny Wright, stated as he
looked at each group member in the room.
"We were careful, Johnny. We were!" JC assured. "Damn it! That
picture will ruin everything! EVERYTHING!" the angry, blue-eyed
brunet stated as he slammed his fist into the nearest wall causing
his boyfriend, his lover, to flinch violently at the anger he saw in
his beloved's silver-blue eyes.
From his rooted spot by the wall, Lance watched as the man he loved
came unglued. The strong one, the one who always had it all so
together, was angry and coming apart.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
When I search my soul to find the truth
About the love we shared
I wonder why you're no longer here
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
"Josh..." the quiet, green-eyed blond started before he was cut off
by his angry lover.
The other three band members in the room also watched as the man who
generated the most respect in the group fell into an anger filled
abyss. Their concern for their friend changed to anger when he
answered his scared lover.
"What the HELL do you want!" came the angry reply, his fist clenched
tightly as his body raged.
The young, green-eyed blond flinched violently, taking a step back in
fear, his gorgeous pale-green eye's, wide and frightened. He had
never seen his lover so angry before.
"I...I," the scared younger man started, his green eye's wide in both
fear and disbelief.
"This is all your fault, Lance!" the angry brunet stated, his steel-
blue eye's red with a blazing fury. "My love for you ruined my life!
A love that was all a lie!" he nearly screamed, his anger clouding
his mind. He didn't even register the look on his lover's face, the
blank and broken look that the young blond held. The look in his
green eyes that told everyone else in the room that he had just had
the heart ripped right out of his chest.
"You...you don't really mean that, Josh?" came the tearful, shaky
reply, his lower lip quivered as he tried desperately to hold back
the tears that threatened to fall.
"The hell I don't, Lance! Because of this..." he started as held up
the newspaper for emphasis. "My life is over! My parents will never
have anything to do with me. I'll lose my sister and brothers. I just
found my birthmother, and now that's all gone too. My friends.
EVERYTHING! All because of YOU!" JC stated angrily, his body shaking
with rage as he headed for the door.
"Wh...where are you going?" the green-eyed young man asked fearfully.
Tremors racked his body as tears streamed relentlessly down his face.
"I'm leaving. I'm going by the house to get my stuff, and then I'm
gone," stated the blue-eyed brunet as he ripped the door open, nearly
taking it off of its hinges. "And I'm not coming back!" he exclaimed
lastly, not once looking back as he headed out the door. If he had,
he would have seen the young, green-eyed blond crumble to the floor,
his body shaking with sobs as he cried out his name. His three
brothers rushed to his lover's side to hold and comfort him as he
walked away.
"JOSH! Please don't go! I love you!" the green-eyed blond cried
before his voice died down to a soft, pain filled whisper as the man
he loved more than anything just walked out the door and out of his
life... forever.
*Slam*
{END FLASHBACK}
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breaks for you, sinks for you
And those feelings will never fade
I can'thide my pain
I can never hide the way I feel for you
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
Once the smaller blond was all cried out, his brothers decided to
tell management to call it a day. They would have to work on the
album another day. Without JC there anyway it was pointless. They had
all made excuses for his absence, telling reporters and fans that he
had something personal he was going through and that he would be back
soon.
Chris had been so furious about the entire situation that he had
contacted the newspaper that ran the story and told them in no
uncertain terms that if they didn't print a retraction immediately
they were going to not only be hit with the world's biggest lawsuit,
but he would also buy the paper and fire all of their asses right
there on the spot.
Joey and Justin had cheered wildly at their eldest band mate's gutsy
move. It had both the lawyers and the newspaper shaking in their
collective boots. The paper printed a retraction the next day stating
that they had gotten the facts wrong, and they were sorry for the
mishap. Chris had bought the newspaper anyway and fired the editor,
the reporter, and the photographer right then and there, handing each
of them a legal document stating that if the picture or the story
ever got out theywould not only be sued, but they would never work
in journalism again.
It wasn't long before they were all back at their Florida
sanctuary, "The Compound". Once there, Justin and the others put
their distraught green-eyed bass man to bed. He had fallen asleep in
limo on the way home.
They all took turns staying with the smaller blond. At one point they
thought it was just pointless to go in shifts, so they all decided to
watch over him. Each one of them wished that JC were there so that
they could take turns beating the shit out of him for what he had
done to Lance. For every angry, hurtful word that had left his mouth.
For all the pain and anguish that he had caused the young green-eyed
bass singer in the past week. For the light that had gone out of
Lance's expressive, pale-green eye's. For the sleepless nights they
had spent holding the young man as he cried himself to sleep, holding
him when the nightmares would wake him, or just listening to him as
he talked in his pain filled slumber. For when he talked about the
man he was still deeply in love with, the same man who had left his
perfect world in shambles. This night would be no different.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
I've been talking in my sleep
About the way it used to be
I pray that you hear me
Then I'll see you in my dreams
Oh, in my dreams
~@~@~@~@~@~@~
"Josh!" came the pain filled cry as the green-eyed blond called out
to his lover, a man that had made him so happy in the two years that
they had been together. The same man that had broken his heart when
he told him that he didn't love him, that their love had all been a
lie.
They had all been through this before. Since JC left, Lance had
started talking in his sleep and having nightmares.
"Please don't go, Josh. Please!" the green-eyed blond whimpered as he
slept. "How could you say that you never loved me? How could you do
this to me? To us? Why, Josh? Why?" he murmured in his sleep, his
arms tightening around the pillow he had them wrapped around.
Hearing the anguishin the green-eyed, young man's voice as he spoke
unconsciously, his three brothers took it upon themselves to give him
the comfort that he needed.
Setting down gently onto the bed, Justin gathered the trembling,
whimpering young blond into his arms. He held him as he continued to
call for the one person who could make the pain go away, the only
person that could make him whole again.
"I love you, Josh. Please don't leave me...please," whimpered the
smaller blond, his body trembling, tears seeping from his closed
eyelids.
Chris and Joey were there as well. Joey took the chair next to the
bed while Chris sat on the other side of the bed gently rubbing
Lance's back. The handsome Italian caught the worried and angry looks
on both of his friend's faces as they tried to comfort and soothe the
smaller blond.
Justin was caressing the older blonde's hair and cooing softly to
him, telling him things to calm and comfort him. It wasn't long
before Lance settled down and was sleeping again with his head
pillowed against Justin's stomach.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
Well I can't forget the words you said
To pull away from my life
And no matter what I'll carry you inside
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
It was just a little after midnight. Lance was still asleep with his
head pillowed against Justin's stomach as the taller blond ran his
fingers through the soft, carefree hair of his green-eyed brother. He
could feel the unconscious tremors that still surged through his
slightly older friend. A young man who, at the moment looked no more
than ten years old.
As he ran his hand gently through the thick, soft wheaten locks,
Justin gazed around the room. His beautiful, blue eyes scanning over
each of his friends. His face was shadowed by the small amount of
light coming through the curtains.
Chris was sitting at the table over by the window, his laptop open as
he went over some details for a new marketing design he and Dani were
working on. Or at least he was trying to go over the details; his
mind was still playing back the events of the last week, his heart
aching for his gentle, green-eyed brother.
Joey was curled up fast asleep in the large, plush, lounge chair that
was situated on the other side of the room. He, too, had been
thinking about everything that had happened. His mind reeled at the
anger he had seen in those silver-blue eyes just before his friend
stormed off, leaving a devastated young lover sobbing helplessly on
the floor of Johnny's office.
As Justin looked at each of his brothers, he, too, contemplated what
had happened. He couldn't believe that his best friend,
his "brother", a person he respected and loved, could say and do
something so awful, so hurtful to the one person who made him happy.
To the one person that he, himself, would do anything to make happy.
Justin looked down at the slightly older man sleeping against his
stomach, his hand still running soothingly through the soft hair as
his eyes filled with pain over the silent tears that still escaped
Lance's closed lids. He couldn't get over how much younger Lance
looked when he was in such a vulnerable state. It had scared the
younger man to see the other blond so upset, so vulnerable. He
continued to run his fingers through the green-eyed young man's soft,
spiky hair, caressing and soothing the young blond while he slept.
As Justin looked after his friend, he couldn't help noticing the
envelope leaning against the lamp by the bed. On it was the name of
the one person that could make everything all right. Picking up the
letter, the taller blond began to read the letter that his green-eyed
friend had written to the man who had stolen and then broken his
heart.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breaks for you, sinks for you
And those feelings will never fade
I can't hide my pain I can never hide the way I feel for you
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
~Dear Josh,
I don't even know where to began. You took my heart, and I gave you
my soul. You told me that you loved me over and over and then you
walked out of my life.
The words that you said to me in anger still ring in my head. How
could you take so much from me and then tell me that you never loved
me, that our love was a lie?
I don't understand that, Josh, 'cause my love for you is real. You
made me happy. You filled my heart with love and joy and showed me
things that I never thought I would ever see. You are a part of me,
Josh. The part that feels complete. The part that makes me feel
alive.
When you left, Josh. My heart and my soul went with you. You can walk
away, Josh, but you have to know this. I will always be with you. I
love you, Joshua. I always have, and I always will.
You hurt me, Josh, more than you will ever know. Maybe it's all my
fault. Maybe I wasn't good enough for you. I always thought that our
love was real, that I was your life. I guess I thought wrong. Silly
me, I thought that you loved me like I love you, because you know
what, Josh? You are my life and without you, I might as well have
never existed.
I hope you find the happiness that I couldn't give you. I'm sorry
about everything. About the picture. About the news article. About
not being the one person to share the rest of your life with you. I'm
sorry I ruined your life, Josh. I never meant to. I just wanted to
love you...
You are my life, Josh. Always and forever.
Love,
Lance
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
Sooner or later your gonna realize
That this type of love happens once in your life
So open your eyes
And see what we could be
Come back to me
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
As Justin put the letter back, blinking back the tears that had
formed in his soft blue-eyes, he noticed the figure standing in the
doorway. His hand stilled its caress of the smaller blonde's soft,
wheaten colored hair as he looked at the man standing there.
Chris, who had been staring blankly at his computer screen for the
last hour, turned to see the person standing in the doorway. His face
held both surprise and anger as he took in the lone figure standing
there. His body tensed, and he had to fight the urge to get up, walk
over to the young man and beat the shit out of him. So, instead, he
opted for a look of disbelief.
Joey, who had been waking up, also noticed the young man standing in
the doorway of Lance's room. The soft light from the hallway
silhouetted the young man as he stood there sure that his presence
wasn't welcomed after all the pain and anger he had caused.
The young man at the door stood there, his eye's traveling to each of
his band mates. He took in their tense bodies, angry faces, sad
eye's, and fierce protectiveness. He took all that in before his eyes
fell on the one person in the room that he was there to see. His
eye's traced every inch of the sleeping young blond, from the top of
his head to the bottom of his feet. He could see that, in just one
week, the younger man looked thinner. He could even see the paleness
of his face and the dark bruises under his eyes, all signs that told
the young man that the last week had been a living hell for him, for
all of them. Lifting his eyes from the angelic figure that was fast
asleep on the bed, he noticed both Joey and Chris get up from their
places and walk over to the bed. Each of them acted as if they were
guarding the world's most precious jewel.
To the young man standing at the door, they were.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breaks for you, sinks for you
And those feelings will never fade
I can't hide my pain
I can never hide the way I feel for you
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
Looking down at the young man he held and then the man standing in
the doorway, Justin made a decision.
Getting up off the bed quietly with as little movement as he could so
as to not wake up his green-eyed friend, the youngest blond then
motioned for the others to follow him out of the room.
The young man standing at the door watched as Justin caressed Lance's
hair once more before leaning down and kissing his forehead.
Afterwards he saw the curly haired young blond gently place the
smaller blonde's head on the pillow and quietly get up from the bed.
As each of them made their way out of the room they gave the handsome
young brunet, who had stood in the doorway uncomfortably, a warning
look. A look that said, "You hurt him again, we hurt you!" Joey and
Chris left to give the man at the door time alone with their sleeping
band mate while the young, curly haired blond stood face to face with
his wayward best friend.
"If you ever hurt him again like you hurt him this past week,
Josh...There will be nothing on this earth that will stop me from
hunting your ass down and beating the shit out of it. Do you hear
me?" the soft-spoken, curly haired young man threatened.
The silver-blue eyed, brunet knew that his best friend meant what he
said. He also knew that he would never do anything to hurt his young
lover again, to cause the young, green-eyed man more pain and
heartache.
"You have my word, Justin. I'll never do anything to hurt him again.
Ever," the blue-eyed brunet promised, his eye's leaving Justin's
anger filled ones to look upon the adorable, sleeping young blond.
"You better not, Josh, 'cause let me tell you something. If you ever
do. If you go back on your word, I'll be right there, ready and
willing to take your place in his heart," the taller blond firmly
stated. His eye's glowing with love, love for the gentle green-eyed
blond.
The moment the words left Justin's mouth JC's head snapped up. His
eyes looked sharply into those of his best friend. It was then that
he knew, without a doubt, that he would do whatever he had to do to
make sure that he never hurt Lance again.
"You won't ever get that chance, Justin. I'll never hurt him again,"
the young blue-eyed brunet stated as he moved past the tall blond and
entered the room, hearing the words of his friend before the door was
closed.
"See to it that you don't. You broke him, Josh. Now fix him," the
tall blond said before closing the door to the room, giving the two
young lovers the privacy they needed.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breaks for you, sinks for you
And those feelings will never fade
I can't hide my pain I can never hide the way I feel for you
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
Once the door was closed, the young brunet walked over to the bed.
His eyes gazed upon the sweet young man who was still asleep.
Justin's words still rang in his ears.
{{"I'll be right there, ready and willing to take your place in his
heart,"}}
The conviction he saw in Justin's eyes told him that he had meant
what he had said. He then thought about the last words the taller
blond had spoken.
{{"You broke him. Now fix him."}}
Sitting down on the bed gently, so that he didn't wake the young
blond, JC reached over and caressed his young lover's cheek, reveling
in the softness of the skin that he felt against his own. He had
missed this. He had missed everything about the younger man.
Not being able to stand it any longer, the handsome brunet pulled the
young blond gently into his arms. He held the young blond in a
protective embrace, an embrace that he never wanted to break.
Ever since he had walked out on his boyfriend, the blue-eyed brunet
had done a lot of thinking. He thought about the things in his life.
He thought about the people in his life. He thought about his career.
His family. His fame. His friends.
He thought about everything. And everything he thought about had
always come back to the same thing, the same person. It always came
back to the one thing in his life that had meaning. The one person in
his life that meant something to him.
He realized one thing during his absence. He realized that, without
his green-eyed angel, he had no life. He pulled the younger man
closer to his body, feeling the warmth he had spent every waking
moment and every sleepless night missing.
The young brunet bent down and kissed his love gently on the lips,
caressing the soft, pliable, pink skin before settling down onto the
bed. His arms locked possessively around the young man that had
stolen his own heart, the same young man that he gave his own soul
to, the same young man that he gave his life to.
The sameyoung man that had just as much as he did to lose.
Seeing the letter that Justin had put back against the lamp, JC
picked it up and began to read it. His eye's filled with tears over
the pain that he caused his young lover, his angel.
Reading the words of his lover, words that caused his own heart to
break, the young brunet silently vowed to never hurt the love of his
life ever again.
"You are my life, Lance. Without you I have no life. Without you I
would not exist. I love you, baby. Forever and always," whispered the
blue-eyed brunet as he pulled the younger man closer to him.
In his sleep, the young, green-eyed blond sighed contently and
snuggled closer to the warmth of the man that he gave his heart and
soul to. The same man that he had just yesterday, written a letter
to. A letter that was never meant to be seen.
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
You can just walk away
But I don't feel the same
My heart still beats for you, breaks for you, sinks for you
And those feelings will never fade
I can't hide my pain I can never hide the way I feel for you
~@~@~@~@~@~@~@~
THE END (unless Jules has her way....)
back to More