Chapter 15

“And then Lance told the lady that he would be me because of my passion. I was floored. But then he said he'd also like to know what it would be like to sing like me. Can you believe it?”

Bobbi gave JC a smile as she lifted her fork to her mouth. “See, he doesn't hate you. Now, if you would just get past your stubborn pride, and talk to him.” JC had come back from the interview and photo shoot in a better mood than she had seen him all week. Now she knew why.

JC rolled his eyes at her. “Whatever.” He turned his attention back to his plate. They were having dinner in the hotel room that night, opting to stay in while the others went out. Bobbi was leaving in a few days and they wanted to make the most of their time together. This way, there were no interruptions.

JC shrugged as he chewed, holding up a hand to signal to wait for his answer. “I have no idea,” he said, wiping his mouth. “Lance was talking about Italian, though.”

She nodded and smiled at his enthusiasm, “yeah. And the pictures, JC, they're awesome. It was really great of you guys to let us bring that photographer behind the scenes. We got some really good shots.” She winked at him, “I guess it pays to date the talent.”

Bobbi's smile froze on her face and she sighed. Okay, next subject. “You guys have off tomorrow, right?” She waited for him to nod before continuing, “What do you want to do? I was thinking maybe we could go to a movie.”

Bobbi dropped her fork and it clanged off the side of her plate. “Jesus, JC! Will you shut up about him already?” She stood from the table and began pacing in the suite.

JC looked up at her, his mouth open in shock. She was taking angry strides across the room before turning and repeating the motion in the other direction. She ran a hand through her hair and faced him.

JC made a face at her, “I have not,” he said. Turning back to his food, he felt his face get hot, and suddenly, he wished she would just sit down and change the subject.

Bobbi laughed without humor. “You are not that stupid, JC.” She began ticking off points on her fingers, “I ask how the interview went, and you tell me Lance's answer. You never told me who Joey or Chris would be.”

Ignoring him, she made her second point. “I ask you where the guys went to dinner and you tell me what Lance wanted. I ask you what you want to do tomorrow, and you tell me about a movie Lance saw.” She shook her head as she glared at him. “For not liking him very much, you sure as hell talk about him an awful lot.”

She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head, “No, I'm not done. I want to know what the hell your problem is. You moped around this whole week instead of realizing you're being an ass and just going to talk to Lance. You come back from the interview happier than I've seen you in a long time. You can't stop talking about Lance for reason's I have yet to figure out. And do you realize we haven't made love the entire time I was here?”

Bobbi sighed and walked away from JC, putting some distance between the two of them. “It's just bothering me, so I thought now would be a good time to bring it up.”

Her eyes widened and she crossed the distance she had put in between them. Poking him in the chest, she said, “Do you have a reason why we didn't make love? Do you have a reason why you just lie there at night, not even wanting to touch me, not wanting to hold me? Do you have a reason why you never tell me you love me anymore unless I say it first?” She took a breath and tried to fight back the tears. “Do you know the last time you told me you loved me first?” He shook his head mutely. “It was that time you called me at four in the morning.”

JC looked away from her and turned to the mini bar. He remembered that night like it was yesterday. The night Lance's secret had come out. The night he knew he had to talk to Bobbi, the need so strong, it was as if his life depended on it.

She watched him as he opened the mini bar and took out a bottle. His movements were stiff, jerked, and he nervously opened the bottle and took a swallow of the amber liquid, drawing a shaky breath afterwards.

He shook his head and turned around, not quite meeting her eyes. “I don't know what you're talking about. We were just drunk, and I wanted to talk to you.”

“No, JC,” she said, “there's more to this than what you're telling me.” He looked at the floor and opened his mouth to respond, “Dammit, JC,” she said angrily, “don't lie to me! I deserve to know the truth!”

His blue eyes flashed with anger and something else - was that guilt - as he looked up at her. “That was the night Joey spilled the beans about Lance!” He looked at her, and she was surprised to see a shimmer of wetness covering his eyes, he cursed and quickly turned away, taking another bottle from the bar and drinking it.

She stood still. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out. That feeling she got in the pit of her stomach, the one telling her this was not going to turn out right, the one telling her that someone was going to get hurt, was back. And this time she got the message loud and clear: she was going to be the one getting hurt.

All the pieces began to fall into place right then and there for Bobbi. She stared at her boyfriend, the one man she had truly loved, and realized he wasn't in love with her any more. Somewhere, along the way, he had fallen out of love with her.

Her knees were suddenly weak, and she moved backwards until she felt the bed behind her legs. Her brown eyes were unblinking, her breath shallow as the full force of the events hit her.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw JC turn from the mini bar. She raised her eyes from the drab carpeting and looked up at him. Her brown eyes met his blue ones. In his eyes she saw fear. In hers, he saw hurt.

“Oh my God,” she managed to get out. She felt hot tears course down her cheeks and she pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. She began to rock back and forth on the bed, her lower lip trembling.

She stared at him, disbelieving. “Are you kidding me?” She looked at him, taking in his fear filled blue eyes, his pale complexion, the way his tongue snaked out of his mouth to lick his dry lips. He had no idea. “You don't even know, do you?” she asked, amazed. “You have these feelings, and you have no idea.”

“What are you talking about, Bobbi? Look, I'm sorry, I should have told you a long time ago,” he shrugged, “I guess somewhere along the way, I just fell out of love with you.”

He turned on her, “I am not lying to myself! I don't have feelings for Lance.” He dropped to sit on the couch, wearily shaking his head.

The anger slowly began to dissipate from Bobbi as she looked at JC. He was slumped over, his posture screaming defeat. He ran a hand though his hair, stopping at the back of his neck to lightly rub the muscles. His eyes were closed as he leaned his head back on the couch, his hand dropping from his neck to rest next to him on the cushion. She knew him. She knew how he worked, how he thought. He probably didn't realize he was having feelings for Lance. He probably pushed the mere thought of that out of his head as soon as the slightest sliver of that thought reached his brain. She sighed and crossed the room, sitting next to him. As much as this was going to hurt her, she had to help him.

“JC,” she said softly. “Please, just think about this for a second, okay?” He turned his head towards her, not lifting it from its resting place on the couch. She took a deep breath and continued. “You have been miserable all week. And then today, suddenly, you're walking on air. You can't stop talking about Lance. Every sentence you uttered had his name in it. God, JC, I don't think you've ever talked about me that much!”

JC rolled his eyes, “Yes I did. When I was first falling in love with you, I talked about you all the time.” He smiled softly, “Lance would get so pissed off at me…” His voice trailed off as he realized what he just said.

Bobbi ignored the knife that was slicing through her heart. “Do you see? You just proved my points, all of them. When you first fall in love you talk about them all the time. And you managed to work Lance in there somehow.”

Bobbi pulled her legs up under her and turned so she was facing JC. “Honey, I know this has to be hard for you,” she placed a hand on his arm, and he let out a sob. “You have these feelings, these thoughts that you never had before and it's scaring the shit out of you.” He nodded, finally admitting. She drew in a shaky breath and continued, softly, reassuringly. “Don't you think Lance has the same fears? Don't you think this would be so much easier if you would talk to him? Tell him what you're feeling? Maybe he could help you make sense out of it all.”

“Because I treated him so badly, Bobbi! Don't you get that? I haven't talked to him in weeks. He doesn't need me anymore! He's changed so much, and it's all for the better. He's a stronger person, he doesn't take anyone's shit anymore. And I'm like the God dammed King of Shit right now! I caused him so much pain, so much grief in the past few weeks.” The fight left his body, “Hell, I don't like me right now, why the hell should he?”

Bobbi pulled him close to her and hugged him, resting her head on top of his. “Because he's your best friend. Yeah, you've been an ass, but trust me when I say that he misses you just as much as you miss him.”

“But what if these feelings I'm having aren't real?” he whispered. She had to strain to hear him. “What if it's just pity, or missing his friendship? What if I don't love him, I just feel sorry for him or something? I could be throwing away something great right here.”

Bobbi shook her head and pulled away from him, cupping his face in her hands. “JC, this is killing me inside. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. But you don't love me, I can see that. So even if what you're feeling isn't real, you wouldn't be happy with me.” She shook her head as he wiped tears from her face. “I have to let you go, whether I like it or not.”


	Inner Reflection \| home back to Secret Desires Chapter 15 IT IS DIFFICULT SUDDENLY TO LAY ASIDE A LONG-CHERISHED LOVE. *CATULLUS CHAPTER FIFTEEN-OUT OF LOVE “And then Lance told the lady that he would be me because of my passion. I was floored. But then he said he'd also like to know what it would be like to sing like me. Can you believe it?” Bobbi gave JC a smile as she lifted her fork to her mouth. “See, he doesn't hate you. Now, if you would just get past your stubborn pride, and talk to him.” JC had come back from the interview and photo shoot in a better mood than she had seen him all week. Now she knew why. JC rolled his eyes at her. “Whatever.” He turned his attention back to his plate. They were having dinner in the hotel room that night, opting to stay in while the others went out. Bobbi was leaving in a few days and they wanted to make the most of their time together. This way, there were no interruptions. “So, where did the others go for dinner?” she asked. JC shrugged as he chewed, holding up a hand to signal to wait for his answer. “I have no idea,” he said, wiping his mouth. “Lance was talking about Italian, though.” Changing the subject, she said, “The magazine has a killer article about you guys next month. It's about the tour.” JC grinned, excited, “Really?” She nodded and smiled at his enthusiasm, “yeah. And the pictures, JC, they're awesome. It was really great of you guys to let us bring that photographer behind the scenes. We got some really good shots.” She winked at him, “I guess it pays to date the talent.” “Well, we didn't have much say in it. Lance made the decision.” Bobbi's smile froze on her face and she sighed. Okay, next subject. “You guys have off tomorrow, right?” She waited for him to nod before continuing, “What do you want to do? I was thinking maybe we could go to a movie.” JC put his fork down and nodded enthusiastically. “That's a great idea. Lance was just telling us about this movie he saw.” Bobbi dropped her fork and it clanged off the side of her plate. “Jesus, JC! Will you shut up about him already?” She stood from the table and began pacing in the suite. JC looked up at her, his mouth open in shock. She was taking angry strides across the room before turning and repeating the motion in the other direction. She ran a hand through her hair and faced him. “You have been talking about Lance non-stop since you've gotten back from the photo shoot.” JC made a face at her, “I have not,” he said. Turning back to his food, he felt his face get hot, and suddenly, he wished she would just sit down and change the subject. Bobbi laughed without humor. “You are not that stupid, JC.” She began ticking off points on her fingers, “I ask how the interview went, and you tell me Lance's answer. You never told me who Joey or Chris would be.” “Justin,” he muttered, sitting back and crossing his arms, his focus on the plate in front of him. Ignoring him, she made her second point. “I ask you where the guys went to dinner and you tell me what Lance wanted. I ask you what you want to do tomorrow, and you tell me about a movie Lance saw.” She shook her head as she glared at him. “For not liking him very much, you sure as hell talk about him an awful lot.” JC stood and faced her. “Are you done?” She crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head, “No, I'm not done. I want to know what the hell your problem is. You moped around this whole week instead of realizing you're being an ass and just going to talk to Lance. You come back from the interview happier than I've seen you in a long time. You can't stop talking about Lance for reason's I have yet to figure out. And do you realize we haven't made love the entire time I was here?” JC took a step back at her last statement. “What? Where did that come from?” Bobbi sighed and walked away from JC, putting some distance between the two of them. “It's just bothering me, so I thought now would be a good time to bring it up.” JC stared at her, incredulous, “You bring up us making love in the same breath as me not talking to Lance? You are insane.” Her eyes widened and she crossed the distance she had put in between them. Poking him in the chest, she said, “Do you have a reason why we didn't make love? Do you have a reason why you just lie there at night, not even wanting to touch me, not wanting to hold me? Do you have a reason why you never tell me you love me anymore unless I say it first?” She took a breath and tried to fight back the tears. “Do you know the last time you told me you loved me first?” He shook his head mutely. “It was that time you called me at four in the morning.” JC looked away from her and turned to the mini bar. He remembered that night like it was yesterday. The night Lance's secret had come out. The night he knew he had to talk to Bobbi, the need so strong, it was as if his life depended on it. She watched him as he opened the mini bar and took out a bottle. His movements were stiff, jerked, and he nervously opened the bottle and took a swallow of the amber liquid, drawing a shaky breath afterwards. “What happened that night, JC?” she asked quietly. “Why did you call me? Why did you sound so lost?” He shook his head and turned around, not quite meeting her eyes. “I don't know what you're talking about. We were just drunk, and I wanted to talk to you.” “No, JC,” she said, “there's more to this than what you're telling me.” He looked at the floor and opened his mouth to respond, “Dammit, JC,” she said angrily, “don't lie to me! I deserve to know the truth!” His blue eyes flashed with anger and something else - was that guilt - as he looked up at her. “That was the night Joey spilled the beans about Lance!” He looked at her, and she was surprised to see a shimmer of wetness covering his eyes, he cursed and quickly turned away, taking another bottle from the bar and drinking it. She stood still. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out. That feeling she got in the pit of her stomach, the one telling her this was not going to turn out right, the one telling her that someone was going to get hurt, was back. And this time she got the message loud and clear: she was going to be the one getting hurt. All the pieces began to fall into place right then and there for Bobbi. She stared at her boyfriend, the one man she had truly loved, and realized he wasn't in love with her any more. Somewhere, along the way, he had fallen out of love with her. And in love with his best friend. Her knees were suddenly weak, and she moved backwards until she felt the bed behind her legs. Her brown eyes were unblinking, her breath shallow as the full force of the events hit her. JC. Was in love. With Lance. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw JC turn from the mini bar. She raised her eyes from the drab carpeting and looked up at him. Her brown eyes met his blue ones. In his eyes she saw fear. In hers, he saw hurt. “Oh my God,” she managed to get out. She felt hot tears course down her cheeks and she pulled her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. She began to rock back and forth on the bed, her lower lip trembling. “Bobbi,” JC said softly, crossing the room to go to her. He reached out and touched her arm. “No!” She said, moving off the bed like a shot. “Don't touch me!” Hurt flashed in JC's eyes, but he stayed where he was. “What's wrong?” She stared at him, disbelieving. “Are you kidding me?” She looked at him, taking in his fear filled blue eyes, his pale complexion, the way his tongue snaked out of his mouth to lick his dry lips. He had no idea. “You don't even know, do you?” she asked, amazed. “You have these feelings, and you have no idea.” “What are you talking about, Bobbi? Look, I'm sorry, I should have told you a long time ago,” he shrugged, “I guess somewhere along the way, I just fell out of love with you.” She interrupted him. “This isn't about me, anymore, JC! This is about Lance. And your feelings for him!” JC laughed nervously, shaking his head. “I don't have feelings for Lance. Other than betrayal, that is.” “Oh, JC, stop being so damn dramatic!” she said harshly to him. “This is me! You can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me.” He turned on her, “I am not lying to myself! I don't have feelings for Lance.” He dropped to sit on the couch, wearily shaking his head. The anger slowly began to dissipate from Bobbi as she looked at JC. He was slumped over, his posture screaming defeat. He ran a hand though his hair, stopping at the back of his neck to lightly rub the muscles. His eyes were closed as he leaned his head back on the couch, his hand dropping from his neck to rest next to him on the cushion. She knew him. She knew how he worked, how he thought. He probably didn't realize he was having feelings for Lance. He probably pushed the mere thought of that out of his head as soon as the slightest sliver of that thought reached his brain. She sighed and crossed the room, sitting next to him. As much as this was going to hurt her, she had to help him. “JC,” she said softly. “Please, just think about this for a second, okay?” He turned his head towards her, not lifting it from its resting place on the couch. She took a deep breath and continued. “You have been miserable all week. And then today, suddenly, you're walking on air. You can't stop talking about Lance. Every sentence you uttered had his name in it. God, JC, I don't think you've ever talked about me that much!” JC rolled his eyes, “Yes I did. When I was first falling in love with you, I talked about you all the time.” He smiled softly, “Lance would get so pissed off at me…” His voice trailed off as he realized what he just said. Bobbi ignored the knife that was slicing through her heart. “Do you see? You just proved my points, all of them. When you first fall in love you talk about them all the time. And you managed to work Lance in there somehow.” JC closed his eyes, a tear falling from his cheek. “I am not gay,” he whispered hoarsely. “I am not in love with Lance.” Bobbi pulled her legs up under her and turned so she was facing JC. “Honey, I know this has to be hard for you,” she placed a hand on his arm, and he let out a sob. “You have these feelings, these thoughts that you never had before and it's scaring the shit out of you.” He nodded, finally admitting. She drew in a shaky breath and continued, softly, reassuringly. “Don't you think Lance has the same fears? Don't you think this would be so much easier if you would talk to him? Tell him what you're feeling? Maybe he could help you make sense out of it all.” JC violently shook his head. “No! I can't do that.” “Why not?” “Because I treated him so badly, Bobbi! Don't you get that? I haven't talked to him in weeks. He doesn't need me anymore! He's changed so much, and it's all for the better. He's a stronger person, he doesn't take anyone's shit anymore. And I'm like the God dammed King of Shit right now! I caused him so much pain, so much grief in the past few weeks.” The fight left his body, “Hell, I don't like me right now, why the hell should he?” Bobbi pulled him close to her and hugged him, resting her head on top of his. “Because he's your best friend. Yeah, you've been an ass, but trust me when I say that he misses you just as much as you miss him.” “But what if these feelings I'm having aren't real?” he whispered. She had to strain to hear him. “What if it's just pity, or missing his friendship? What if I don't love him, I just feel sorry for him or something? I could be throwing away something great right here.” Bobbi shook her head and pulled away from him, cupping his face in her hands. “JC, this is killing me inside. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. But you don't love me, I can see that. So even if what you're feeling isn't real, you wouldn't be happy with me.” She shook her head as he wiped tears from her face. “I have to let you go, whether I like it or not.” They were silent for a few minutes, her holding him close, offering what little comfort she could give. “What am I going to do?” JC asked, desperation in his voice. “I don't know, sweetie,” she said. “I really don't know.”