Chapter 16

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LONELINESS...IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN THE CENTRAL AND INEVITABLE EXPERIENCE OF EVERY MAN.

*THOMAS WOLFE, YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN

CHAPTER SIXTEEN - ALONE

JC sat on the couch in silence as Bobbi moved around him, gathering her things. She walked into the bathroom, turning on the light, and JC closed his eyes as he heard her slight sniffle. She was leaving. As much as she wanted to stay, to help JC through whatever it was he was going through, it just hurt her too much.

He leaned his head against the back of the couch, eyes closed, mind willing him not to cry. She was leaving, and he was going to be alone. Alone with his thoughts, alone with his feelings, alone with the emotions running through his blood that he didn't understand.

He still was having a hard time admitting his feelings for Lance. He knew he nodded when Bobbi asked him if he had feelings, but hell, he was confused. He really didn't think he was in love with Lance, when he fell in love with Bobbi, he knew for sure. He would know if he were in love, right?

But why didn't he want to touch Bobbi? Why didn't her touch excite him like it used to? Why did he crawl into bed each night she was here, turn his back to her and take careful pains not to touch her in any way? Why did he wake up some mornings in Bobbi's arms and never the other way around? Why did he never unconsciously roll over in his sleep and hold her?

Why, why why? There were a million questions running though JC's head, and not a single answer that didn't involve Lance. He would fall into bed at night and think of Lance. Think of what a jerk he was being to Lance, and not want to be close to Bobbi. He thought it was because she was taking Lance's side, he resented her slightly for that, and he wanted to punish her in some way. But what if that wasn't the reason? What if he pushed her away because he had these deeper feelings for Lance?

No, no way. He was not gay. He did not have feelings for Lance.

Then why did Lance's answer that afternoon make him so happy? Why did he sit and stare at Lance, wondering what he could do to make things right? Why did he think of Lance each and every night before he went to bed, wondering if he was going to be okay?

JC felt a tear trickle down his cheek. Why can't you just admit it, Josh? You may have feelings for Lance.

Because that would mean he was gay. And he didn't want to be gay, he wanted to be normal. He wanted to get married, have kids, live in a house with a white picket fence, watching his children grow up with his wife by his side. He didn't want the stigma of being gay, he didn't want people making fun of him because of his sexual preference, he didn't want to be known as `the gay one.'

How did Lance do this? How did he admit to himself feelings that were going to make him different, make him a minority? When did he become strong enough to say, you know what, I'm gay? When did he become strong enough to not need JC in his life? When did he become strong enough to make it though weeks of not talking to his best friend, when they used to share everything?

And how could JC become that strong?

“I'm leaving,” Bobbi's quiet voice broke into his thoughts.

JC opened his eyes and turned his gaze on her. He nodded slightly and stood, picking up her suitcase and carrying it to the door. “You don' t have to leave.”

Bobbi snorted and smiled slightly, “Yes I do. I can't stay here, JC.” He nodded and looked at the ground. She studied his face, the face she loved, and memorized every curve, every feature. Placing a hand on his cheek, she forced him to look at her. “Do the right thing, JC. Don't lose him.”

“Like I lost you?” he asked quietly.

Bobbi shook her head, “You didn't lose me, I'm still your friend, no matter what. But if you don't talk to Lance soon, you may not have that.” She pulled him close and hugged him, closing her eyes against his scent.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered into her neck. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

“I know,” she said, pulling away. She opened the door to see Randy waiting for her. Handing her bag to him, she followed him into the hallway, turning around to see JC in the doorway. “Good-bye, JC.”

“Bye, Bobbi,” JC said and backed into the room, shutting the door.

The elevator dinged, signaling the car was at the floor. She moved down the hallway to where Randy was waiting. The doors opened and Justin and Lance emerged, laughing at a private joke, their bodyguards close behind them.

“Hey, Randy,” Justin said. Motioning to the suitcase he said, “Planning on leaving us? What did JC do this time?”

Randy grinned at Justin, “JC's a peach compared to you, kid. I don't know how Lonnie puts up with you.”

Justin jumped onto Lonnie's back. “We pay him better.”

Lonnie pushed Justin off of him and grinned at Randy, “And it still isn't enough.”

Lance turned away from them and spotted Bobbi walking down the hall. “Bobbi?” he asked softly, moving towards her, “What's wrong?”

Bobbi forced herself to smile at Lance. “I'm leaving a few days early.”

“Why? What happened?” Justin asked her, coming to stand next to Lance.

She looked down at the floor, “JC and I broke up.”

Justin moved to hug her and she closed her eyes at his comforting touch. “I'm sorry, Bobbi.”

Lance stood in openmouthed shock. JC and Bobbi broke up? Why? What happened? He wasn't going to ask the questions that were running through his mind. His mouth finally started to work and he managed a soft, “I'm sorry.”

Bobbi opened her eyes at the sound of Lance's soft, deep voice. She looked at him as she stepped away from Justin. This was the man JC was in love with. God, she wanted to hate him. She wanted to run at him, hit him, claw at him and scream at him until she had no energy left. He was the reason JC didn't want to be with her anymore. He was the reason she lost everything.

He was standing there with a sad look on his face, and Bobbi knew he was genuinely sorry for what had happened. And Bobbi saw the common bond between the two of them. They had both lost JC.

“Are you going to be okay?” Lance asked her. “Do you need anything?”

Bobbi smiled to herself. This was the reason she couldn't hate Lance. He was too damn nice. “I'll be fine.” She looked at him and impulsively hugged him. “Take care of yourself, Lance.”

Lance was surprised at her gesture and he gently hugged her back, “I will.”

She tightened her arms around him and whispered in his ear, “Take care of JC, too.”

Lance felt his heart tighten at her words. How was he supposed to take care of JC when they weren't even speaking?

Bobbi pulled away and looked Lance in the eye. “It's all going to work out, Lance, don't worry.”

Lance smiled at her, “If you say so.”

“I do.” She took a deep breath and moved towards the elevator, “Bye guys.”

Justin waved to her, “Bye Bobbi. See you around.”

The doors shut on her and Lance turned to Justin. “Maybe you should check on JC.”

Justin looked down the hallway to his room. “Man, I wish you two were talking,” he grinned, “you're better at JC misery than I am.”

Lance laughed, “I wish we were talking, too, Justin, but it's not going to happen tonight.” His face lost its smile as he looked at JC's shut door.

“Don't worry, Lance,” Justin said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder as they walked down the hall, “Sooner or later he'll come around.”

Lance nodded, leaving Justin outside JC's door and moving towards his own. “I know. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.”

Justin watched as Lance closed the door to his room and sighed as he faced JC's. “I wish it was right now,” he muttered.

JC ignored the knocking on his door. He really didn't want to talk to anyone tonight.

“JC, I know you're in there, so open up!”

JC groaned as Justin's voice came through the door. “Go away, Justin!” he called.

“You know I can just go get a key, right?” He pounded on the door again, “JC, let me in,” he whined.

JC sighed heavily as he pulled himself off the couch and to the door. Pulling it open, he glared at Justin, “What?”

Justin pushed past him and entered the room. “You okay?”

“Fine,” JC answered, staying by the door. “You can go now.”

Justin grinned and plopped onto the couch. “Yeah right. I'm staying.”

JC's face twisted into a scowl as he shut the door. “Well, I'm going to bed, so you'll have to entertain yourself.” JC moved into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

Justin looked at the closed door in disbelief. JC was actually blowing him off! Now what was he supposed to do? He groaned and spoke out loud, “How did Lance do it?”

“How did Lance do what?” JC asked him, coming out of the bathroom.

Justin didn't face him as he responded, “How did he get you to talk all those times when you were being moody?”

“I am not being moody,” JC retorted.

Justin turned his gaze on him, raising his eyebrows, “Whatever.”

“You can leave anytime, J,” JC said to him.

“You want to tell me what happened?” Justin asked him.

“Nope,” JC said as he got into bed, pulling the covers over him.

“Why not?” Justin asked, undeterred.

JC groaned into his pillow, “You're not going to leave, are you?”

Justin grinned and sat next to him on the bed. “After you tell me what happened.”

JC sat up, leaning against the headboard, “We broke up.”

Justin rolled his eyes, “Duh, JC. Lance and I saw Bobbi in the hallway and she told us that.”

JC whipped his head around to look at Justin, “You and Lance?”

Justin nodded, oblivious to JC's tone of voice. “Yeah, we were coming back from dinner and saw her in the hallway. She told us you broke up and that she was leaving.”

“Did she say anything else?” JC fought to keep his tone neutral.

Justin shook his head, “Nope. So, why did you break up?” He turned to JC.

JC sighed. Justin was not going to leave him alone. “I don't love her anymore, Justin.”

“You seemed pretty cozy this week,” Justin pointed out.

Denial, JC thought, I was in denial. Hell, I still am. Out loud he spoke to Justin, “Did you ever fall in love with someone and not know it?”

Justin looked at JC. Something in the tone of his voice had changed. “What do you mean?”

JC shrugged, picking at a piece of thread on the comforter. “I mean…did you ever wake up one morning and realize you had feelings for someone that you never knew you had? That seemed to come out of nowhere?”

Justin shook his head, “No, I don't think so. Although, I'm sure it can happen.”

JC exhaled and banged his head against the wall, “It does,” he admitted quietly.

“And I'm guessing it was someone other than Bobbi,” Justin said dryly.

“You have no idea,” JC muttered. “We got in a fight tonight, and she made me admit that I had feelings for someone else.” JC smiled wryly, “That woman knows me too well, Justin. She saw the feelings before I did.”

Justin laughed, “You know what they say about a woman's intuition. Don't mess with it.” His voice turned serious, “She was right, though, about these feelings?”

JC was quiet for a long time, and Justin wasn't even sure he heard the question. He looked over at JC and saw that he was thinking. He bit his lip as he thought, his hands wringing the comforter between them. He sighed heavily, and ran a hand through his hair, not for the first time that night from the looks of it.

“As much as I hate to admit it,” JC said, meeting Justin's eyes, “I think she's right.”

Justin shrugged, holding JC's gaze, “Why don't you want to admit it?”

JC sank down onto the bed, pulling the covers to his chin. Rolling on his side, so his back was to Justin, he answered. “I'm not supposed to love this person, Justin.”

“Turn the light out and lock the door behind you,” JC said.

Justin knew JC wasn't going to tell him anything more. Sighing, he got off the bed and moved towards the door, shutting off the light as requested. He paused at the door, and spoke across the room to JC. “I wish you were talking to Lance, JC. He's the one you need to go to right now, he's the one who always helps you with your problems.” He opened the door and light from the hallway spilled in, “I'm sorry I wasn't a better help,” he said sincerely, “I'm sorry I wasn't Lance.”

JC heard the door shut and there was total darkness in his room.

“I'm sorry, too.”


	Inner Reflection \| home back to Secret Desires Chapter 16 LONELINESS...IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN THE CENTRAL AND INEVITABLE EXPERIENCE OF EVERY MAN. THOMAS WOLFE, YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN* CHAPTER SIXTEEN - ALONE JC sat on the couch in silence as Bobbi moved around him, gathering her things. She walked into the bathroom, turning on the light, and JC closed his eyes as he heard her slight sniffle. She was leaving. As much as she wanted to stay, to help JC through whatever it was he was going through, it just hurt her too much. He leaned his head against the back of the couch, eyes closed, mind willing him not to cry. She was leaving, and he was going to be alone. Alone with his thoughts, alone with his feelings, alone with the emotions running through his blood that he didn't understand. He still was having a hard time admitting his feelings for Lance. He knew he nodded when Bobbi asked him if he had feelings, but hell, he was confused. He really didn't think he was in love with Lance, when he fell in love with Bobbi, he knew for sure. He would know if he were in love, right? But why didn't he want to touch Bobbi? Why didn't her touch excite him like it used to? Why did he crawl into bed each night she was here, turn his back to her and take careful pains not to touch her in any way? Why did he wake up some mornings in Bobbi's arms and never the other way around? Why did he never unconsciously roll over in his sleep and hold her? Why, why why? There were a million questions running though JC's head, and not a single answer that didn't involve Lance. He would fall into bed at night and think of Lance. Think of what a jerk he was being to Lance, and not want to be close to Bobbi. He thought it was because she was taking Lance's side, he resented her slightly for that, and he wanted to punish her in some way. But what if that wasn't the reason? What if he pushed her away because he had these deeper feelings for Lance? No, no way. He was not gay. He did not have feelings for Lance. Then why did Lance's answer that afternoon make him so happy? Why did he sit and stare at Lance, wondering what he could do to make things right? Why did he think of Lance each and every night before he went to bed, wondering if he was going to be okay? JC felt a tear trickle down his cheek. Why can't you just admit it, Josh? You may have feelings for Lance. Because that would mean he was gay. And he didn't want to be gay, he wanted to be normal. He wanted to get married, have kids, live in a house with a white picket fence, watching his children grow up with his wife by his side. He didn't want the stigma of being gay, he didn't want people making fun of him because of his sexual preference, he didn't want to be known as `the gay one.' How did Lance do this? How did he admit to himself feelings that were going to make him different, make him a minority? When did he become strong enough to say, you know what, I'm gay? When did he become strong enough to not need JC in his life? When did he become strong enough to make it though weeks of not talking to his best friend, when they used to share everything? And how could JC become that strong? “I'm leaving,” Bobbi's quiet voice broke into his thoughts. JC opened his eyes and turned his gaze on her. He nodded slightly and stood, picking up her suitcase and carrying it to the door. “You don' t have to leave.” Bobbi snorted and smiled slightly, “Yes I do. I can't stay here, JC.” He nodded and looked at the ground. She studied his face, the face she loved, and memorized every curve, every feature. Placing a hand on his cheek, she forced him to look at her. “Do the right thing, JC. Don't lose him.” “Like I lost you?” he asked quietly. Bobbi shook her head, “You didn't lose me, I'm still your friend, no matter what. But if you don't talk to Lance soon, you may not have that.” She pulled him close and hugged him, closing her eyes against his scent. “I'm sorry,” he whispered into her neck. “I never wanted to hurt you.” “I know,” she said, pulling away. She opened the door to see Randy waiting for her. Handing her bag to him, she followed him into the hallway, turning around to see JC in the doorway. “Good-bye, JC.” “Bye, Bobbi,” JC said and backed into the room, shutting the door. The elevator dinged, signaling the car was at the floor. She moved down the hallway to where Randy was waiting. The doors opened and Justin and Lance emerged, laughing at a private joke, their bodyguards close behind them. “Hey, Randy,” Justin said. Motioning to the suitcase he said, “Planning on leaving us? What did JC do this time?” Randy grinned at Justin, “JC's a peach compared to you, kid. I don't know how Lonnie puts up with you.” Justin jumped onto Lonnie's back. “We pay him better.” Lonnie pushed Justin off of him and grinned at Randy, “And it still isn't enough.” Lance turned away from them and spotted Bobbi walking down the hall. “Bobbi?” he asked softly, moving towards her, “What's wrong?” Bobbi forced herself to smile at Lance. “I'm leaving a few days early.” “Why? What happened?” Justin asked her, coming to stand next to Lance. She looked down at the floor, “JC and I broke up.” Justin moved to hug her and she closed her eyes at his comforting touch. “I'm sorry, Bobbi.” Lance stood in openmouthed shock. JC and Bobbi broke up? Why? What happened? He wasn't going to ask the questions that were running through his mind. His mouth finally started to work and he managed a soft, “I'm sorry.” Bobbi opened her eyes at the sound of Lance's soft, deep voice. She looked at him as she stepped away from Justin. This was the man JC was in love with. God, she wanted to hate him. She wanted to run at him, hit him, claw at him and scream at him until she had no energy left. He was the reason JC didn't want to be with her anymore. He was the reason she lost everything. He was standing there with a sad look on his face, and Bobbi knew he was genuinely sorry for what had happened. And Bobbi saw the common bond between the two of them. They had both lost JC. “Are you going to be okay?” Lance asked her. “Do you need anything?” Bobbi smiled to herself. This was the reason she couldn't hate Lance. He was too damn nice. “I'll be fine.” She looked at him and impulsively hugged him. “Take care of yourself, Lance.” Lance was surprised at her gesture and he gently hugged her back, “I will.” She tightened her arms around him and whispered in his ear, “Take care of JC, too.” Lance felt his heart tighten at her words. How was he supposed to take care of JC when they weren't even speaking? Bobbi pulled away and looked Lance in the eye. “It's all going to work out, Lance, don't worry.” Lance smiled at her, “If you say so.” “I do.” She took a deep breath and moved towards the elevator, “Bye guys.” Justin waved to her, “Bye Bobbi. See you around.” The doors shut on her and Lance turned to Justin. “Maybe you should check on JC.” Justin looked down the hallway to his room. “Man, I wish you two were talking,” he grinned, “you're better at JC misery than I am.” Lance laughed, “I wish we were talking, too, Justin, but it's not going to happen tonight.” His face lost its smile as he looked at JC's shut door. “Don't worry, Lance,” Justin said, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder as they walked down the hall, “Sooner or later he'll come around.” Lance nodded, leaving Justin outside JC's door and moving towards his own. “I know. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.” Justin watched as Lance closed the door to his room and sighed as he faced JC's. “I wish it was right now,” he muttered. JC ignored the knocking on his door. He really didn't want to talk to anyone tonight. “JC, I know you're in there, so open up!” JC groaned as Justin's voice came through the door. “Go away, Justin!” he called. “You know I can just go get a key, right?” He pounded on the door again, “JC, let me in,” he whined. JC sighed heavily as he pulled himself off the couch and to the door. Pulling it open, he glared at Justin, “What?” Justin pushed past him and entered the room. “You okay?” “Fine,” JC answered, staying by the door. “You can go now.” Justin grinned and plopped onto the couch. “Yeah right. I'm staying.” JC's face twisted into a scowl as he shut the door. “Well, I'm going to bed, so you'll have to entertain yourself.” JC moved into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Justin looked at the closed door in disbelief. JC was actually blowing him off! Now what was he supposed to do? He groaned and spoke out loud, “How did Lance do it?” “How did Lance do what?” JC asked him, coming out of the bathroom. Justin didn't face him as he responded, “How did he get you to talk all those times when you were being moody?” “I am not being moody,” JC retorted. Justin turned his gaze on him, raising his eyebrows, “Whatever.” “You can leave anytime, J,” JC said to him. “You want to tell me what happened?” Justin asked him. “Nope,” JC said as he got into bed, pulling the covers over him. “Why not?” Justin asked, undeterred. JC groaned into his pillow, “You're not going to leave, are you?” Justin grinned and sat next to him on the bed. “After you tell me what happened.” JC sat up, leaning against the headboard, “We broke up.” Justin rolled his eyes, “Duh, JC. Lance and I saw Bobbi in the hallway and she told us that.” JC whipped his head around to look at Justin, “You and Lance?” Justin nodded, oblivious to JC's tone of voice. “Yeah, we were coming back from dinner and saw her in the hallway. She told us you broke up and that she was leaving.” “Did she say anything else?” JC fought to keep his tone neutral. Justin shook his head, “Nope. So, why did you break up?” He turned to JC. JC sighed. Justin was not going to leave him alone. “I don't love her anymore, Justin.” “You seemed pretty cozy this week,” Justin pointed out. Denial, JC thought, I was in denial. Hell, I still am. Out loud he spoke to Justin, “Did you ever fall in love with someone and not know it?” Justin looked at JC. Something in the tone of his voice had changed. “What do you mean?” JC shrugged, picking at a piece of thread on the comforter. “I mean…did you ever wake up one morning and realize you had feelings for someone that you never knew you had? That seemed to come out of nowhere?” Justin shook his head, “No, I don't think so. Although, I'm sure it can happen.” JC exhaled and banged his head against the wall, “It does,” he admitted quietly. “And I'm guessing it was someone other than Bobbi,” Justin said dryly. “You have no idea,” JC muttered. “We got in a fight tonight, and she made me admit that I had feelings for someone else.” JC smiled wryly, “That woman knows me too well, Justin. She saw the feelings before I did.” Justin laughed, “You know what they say about a woman's intuition. Don't mess with it.” His voice turned serious, “She was right, though, about these feelings?” JC was quiet for a long time, and Justin wasn't even sure he heard the question. He looked over at JC and saw that he was thinking. He bit his lip as he thought, his hands wringing the comforter between them. He sighed heavily, and ran a hand through his hair, not for the first time that night from the looks of it. “As much as I hate to admit it,” JC said, meeting Justin's eyes, “I think she's right.” Justin shrugged, holding JC's gaze, “Why don't you want to admit it?” JC sank down onto the bed, pulling the covers to his chin. Rolling on his side, so his back was to Justin, he answered. “I'm not supposed to love this person, Justin.” “Why not?” “Turn the light out and lock the door behind you,” JC said. Justin knew JC wasn't going to tell him anything more. Sighing, he got off the bed and moved towards the door, shutting off the light as requested. He paused at the door, and spoke across the room to JC. “I wish you were talking to Lance, JC. He's the one you need to go to right now, he's the one who always helps you with your problems.” He opened the door and light from the hallway spilled in, “I'm sorry I wasn't a better help,” he said sincerely, “I'm sorry I wasn't Lance.” JC heard the door shut and there was total darkness in his room. “I'm sorry, too.”