Part 8

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~Yesterday I got so scared I shivered like a child~

The piercing sound of the alarm clock woke JC from a lovely dream of him and Lance naked on a beach. Groaning, he rolled over towards the clock. He was about to punch the snooze button, but what he saw on the night table made him change his mind. Lance's pills. "Shit," he muttered, as he turned off the alarm. Then he nudged Lance gently. "Wake up baby."

"Not yet, too early," Lance said, his voice muffled by his pillow.

JC nudged him again. "Lance, get up."

Lance groaned and buried his head further in the pillow.

"Come on Lance, it's time for another pill."

That got a reaction. Lance rolled towards him, slowly. Looking up at JC, he sighed. "Oh yeah. When I was asleep I was able to forget about all that."

JC touched Lance's cheek briefly, but did not answer. Instead he grabbed the pill bottle. "You know," he said, looking at the label, "I didn't notice this last night, but you're supposed to take this with food or milk." He looked at Lance again. "You don't feel nauseous, do you?"

Lance shook his head. "I'm ok."

"Well good." JC smiled a bit. "Tell you what. You go get a shower, and I'll start breakfast. Then you can take this. The guys should be here in about an hour."

"Yeah," Lance said, looking away.

"Are you worried about telling them?"

"I'm just...I don't know. I feel guilty about asking you guys to cancel the tour."

"You feel guilty? Why? Jesus Lance, it's not like you asked to get sick. And you're not asking us to cancel the tour. There's no question. The tour is canceled. There's no way in hell that I'm gonna go on tour when you're here sick. The shows can be rescheduled."

"But what if..." Lance trailed off.

"What?" JC asked, though he was not sure he wanted to know what Lance was thinking.

"What if the shows can't be rescheduled?" Lance finished, looking down.

JC closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he took Lance's chin in his hand and raised his head so they were looking at each other. "Don't think like that Lance. Please. We can't think like that."

"Josh we have to consider..."

"No, Lance," JC interrupted him. "We don't. I am not going to consider that."

"Yeah, but I have to!" Lance exclaimed, pulling away. "I'm the one that could die!"

The outburst shocked both of them. Neither had mentioned death since they had left Dr. Becker's office the night before. Lance leapt from the bed and began to pace the room restlessly. "I can't just pretend that everything is gonna be ok, Josh. I can't just live in fantasyland! I might die."

"Lance, please..." JC said, softly.

"These are the cold, hard facts! I could die tomorrow on that operating table."

JC winced. Lance sighed and sat down beside him. He took JC's hands in his before he spoke again, in a gentler voice. "I don't want to think about it either, Josh. God knows I don't. But I have to." When JC did not answer Lance cupped the side of his face with his hand. "Josh, look at me. Please." JC raised his eyes. The misery that Lance saw there broke his heart. "I'm sorry, Josh. I'm so sorry for putting you through this."

JC looked at him in surprise. He started to shake his head. "No Lance, please don't apologize. You had no say in this."

Lance bit his lip. "The last thing I ever wanted was to see you hurting," he said.

JC gently grasped the hand that was still holding his cheek and brought it to his lips. "You are everything to me Lance," he said. "Don't you know that? If you hurt then I hurt. That's just the way it is. And if I have to put up with some pain for all of the happiness that you've given me, then fine. I'm the one who should be sorry."

It was Lance's turn to look surprised. "Why?" he asked.

"Because you needed to talk and I wouldn't let you. I'm so sorry for that. I know that you're right. It's hard for me. I just have to realize that it's much harder for you. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you."

Lance leaned in to kiss him. Their lips gently brushed each other, before Lance wrapped his arms around JC. "Thank you," he whispered.

JC smiled and leaned into the embrace. He glanced at the clock. "Go get your shower," he said, pulling away. "We've got forty-five minutes now."

"Do you want to join me?" Lance asked with a smile. "Save time?"

JC laughed. "That won't save time, Lance. That will take even longer. What about the guys?"

"Justin has a key, doesn't he?" JC nodded. Lance took his hand and stood up, tugging JC towards the bathroom. "Well, then they can let themselves in."

JC just smiled and followed him.


	Inner Reflection \| home back to But Faith Part 8 ~Yesterday I got so scared I shivered like a child~ The piercing sound of the alarm clock woke JC from a lovely dream of him and Lance naked on a beach. Groaning, he rolled over towards the clock. He was about to punch the snooze button, but what he saw on the night table made him change his mind. Lance's pills. "Shit," he muttered, as he turned off the alarm. Then he nudged Lance gently. "Wake up baby." "Not yet, too early," Lance said, his voice muffled by his pillow. JC nudged him again. "Lance, get up." Lance groaned and buried his head further in the pillow. "Come on Lance, it's time for another pill." That got a reaction. Lance rolled towards him, slowly. Looking up at JC, he sighed. "Oh yeah. When I was asleep I was able to forget about all that." JC touched Lance's cheek briefly, but did not answer. Instead he grabbed the pill bottle. "You know," he said, looking at the label, "I didn't notice this last night, but you're supposed to take this with food or milk." He looked at Lance again. "You don't feel nauseous, do you?" Lance shook his head. "I'm ok." "Well good." JC smiled a bit. "Tell you what. You go get a shower, and I'll start breakfast. Then you can take this. The guys should be here in about an hour." "Yeah," Lance said, looking away. "Are you worried about telling them?" "I'm just...I don't know. I feel guilty about asking you guys to cancel the tour." "You feel guilty? Why? Jesus Lance, it's not like you asked to get sick. And you're not asking us to cancel the tour. There's no question. The tour is canceled. There's no way in hell that I'm gonna go on tour when you're here sick. The shows can be rescheduled." "But what if..." Lance trailed off. "What?" JC asked, though he was not sure he wanted to know what Lance was thinking. "What if the shows can't be rescheduled?" Lance finished, looking down. JC closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then he took Lance's chin in his hand and raised his head so they were looking at each other. "Don't think like that Lance. Please. We can't think like that." "Josh we have to consider..." "No, Lance," JC interrupted him. "We don't. I am not going to consider that." "Yeah, but I have to!" Lance exclaimed, pulling away. "I'm the one that could die!" The outburst shocked both of them. Neither had mentioned death since they had left Dr. Becker's office the night before. Lance leapt from the bed and began to pace the room restlessly. "I can't just pretend that everything is gonna be ok, Josh. I can't just live in fantasyland! I might die." "Lance, please..." JC said, softly. "These are the cold, hard facts! I could die tomorrow on that operating table." JC winced. Lance sighed and sat down beside him. He took JC's hands in his before he spoke again, in a gentler voice. "I don't want to think about it either, Josh. God knows I don't. But I have to." When JC did not answer Lance cupped the side of his face with his hand. "Josh, look at me. Please." JC raised his eyes. The misery that Lance saw there broke his heart. "I'm sorry, Josh. I'm so sorry for putting you through this." JC looked at him in surprise. He started to shake his head. "No Lance, please don't apologize. You had no say in this." Lance bit his lip. "The last thing I ever wanted was to see you hurting," he said. JC gently grasped the hand that was still holding his cheek and brought it to his lips. "You are everything to me Lance," he said. "Don't you know that? If you hurt then I hurt. That's just the way it is. And if I have to put up with some pain for all of the happiness that you've given me, then fine. I'm the one who should be sorry." It was Lance's turn to look surprised. "Why?" he asked. "Because you needed to talk and I wouldn't let you. I'm so sorry for that. I know that you're right. It's hard for me. I just have to realize that it's much harder for you. If you want to talk about it, I'm here for you." Lance leaned in to kiss him. Their lips gently brushed each other, before Lance wrapped his arms around JC. "Thank you," he whispered. JC smiled and leaned into the embrace. He glanced at the clock. "Go get your shower," he said, pulling away. "We've got forty-five minutes now." "Do you want to join me?" Lance asked with a smile. "Save time?" JC laughed. "That won't save time, Lance. That will take even longer. What about the guys?" "Justin has a key, doesn't he?" JC nodded. Lance took his hand and stood up, tugging JC towards the bathroom. "Well, then they can let themselves in." JC just smiled and followed him.