Cowboy

Earlier that morning, he slept through his alarm, causing him to be late, leaving him fifteen minutes to shower, dress, throw the needed toiletries into his packed suitcase and be out the door. Then he got stuck in traffic on the way to the airport, forcing him to run through the crowded airport to his gate. As soon as he got settled in his first class seat, he realized that there was a young child behind him who felt the need to sing along to every song on her Discman. As if all that wasn't bad enough, as he was stepping off the plane, an over-exuberant woman squealed and hugged the man in front of him, spilling her cup of coffee on his very expensive Armani suit.

And he didn't even want to take this damn vacation in the first place. He mentally cursed his secretary back in New York as he made his way through the terminal, holding his coffee-soaked shirt away from his body. The soiled jacket was draped over his arm, in an attempt not to let the stain spread.

Joshua was an investor at a major New York firm. His office had an amazing view of the New York skyline; and his apartment was the best money could buy in an exclusive building. The interview process to live in the building was almost more extensive than his job interview. Although, he did manage to keep one thing hidden from both parties.

The only person in the firm who knew was his secretary, Carol. Joshua felt she had a need to know, just in case someone would call the firm who wasn't a client. She could be trusted with his life. Joshua was a good boss, he treated her well, and she wouldn't risk her job for some meaningless office gossip. She was a breath of fresh air for him, and he would hate to lose her.

When Joshua had lost some money, not a lot, but enough to piss him off, Carol suggested he take a break. He hadn't had a vacation since he started working with the firm two years ago. She even went so far as to book the week at the ranch in Mississippi.

"Mississippi," he muttered as he picked up his bag, "Who the fuck takes a vacation in Mississippi?" Rolling his eyes, he turned and made his way to the Hertz Rental Center. A few minutes later, he was sitting behind the wheel of the rented Mercedes, cursing the drivers in front of him.

"On the Internet. This is supposed to be relaxing." She paused as he cursed again, "I can see it's working," she said dryly. He humphed into the phone and she laughed, "Come on, Joshua, give it a chance. Ride some horses, take some nature walks."

Carol's smile could be heard through the line. "Well, this week you have all the time in the world. Have a nice time, sweetie, and don't call me anymore." Joshua barely had time to say goodbye before she hung up on him.

Tossing the phone onto the passenger seat, he smiled to himself. He was lucky to have a secretary like Carol. She was an older woman who treated him like her own son. And like she did with her own children, she never missed an opportunity to set him up on a date.

Sighing as he watched the dust plume into clouds behind his car, he drove up the long driveway of the ranch, passing a few people on horseback along the way. They were a friendly group, these Mississippians, waving as his car passed them. Just ahead, he could make out the shape of the southern plantation style house, rising in the afternoon sun, greeting him in the distance. He pulled the Mercedes to a stop next to a beat up old Chevy pickup and turned the key, silencing the quiet motor. Looking around, he noticed there weren't that many cars here, only the truck, and one other car, a late model Dodge. Joshua opened his door and got out, stretching his arms to the sky and taking a deep breath. He reached into the car and pulled out his briefcase and jacket, draping the latter over his arm. Moving to the truck, he had just opened it when a kid, a few years younger than Joshua's twenty-three, came out of the house.

The kid descended the three steps of the porch and crossed the distance between the house and Joshua. He was dressed as many of the people Joshua had seen were, in jeans, a faded flannel shirt, the sleeves rolled up, and a pair of cowboy boots. On top of his head sat a cowboy hat, and as he reached Joshua, he raised a hand and tipped it slightly, revealing a mop of curly hair.

"Here, let me," he offered, "That's kind of my job around here," he said as he lead the way to the porch, "My parents are partners in the ranch, and they make me the valet, bellhop, room service guy, and just about anything else they can think of."

Joshua smiled as Justin continued to speak, leading the way into the house. The kid spoke as he registered him, as he picked his bags up again, as he led him up the open stairway to his room, and as he unlocked the door.

Joshua looked around the room. He had to admit it wasn't half-bad. The sitting room had two couches, a chair and a large television with a VCR in it. Walking through a doorway, Joshua was encountered with a large bed in a room with windows that had a view for miles. Attached to the bedroom was a bathroom with a Jacuzzi and a shower.

The next morning came way too early for Joshua. The windows were open, the curtains blowing in the gentle breeze. The bright morning sun shone through the flimsy material, casting a ray of light over his face. Groaning, he turned away and looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. "Christ," he muttered.

It was practically the crack of dawn, way too early for him to be up. Closing his eyes, he realized that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. Remembering Justin told him his mother made breakfast every morning, Joshua rose and took a shower, dressing in a pair of khakis and a polo before making his way down stairs. He moved through the house timidly, afraid of going somewhere he wasn't permitted. Peeking around a doorway, he jumped as he heard a deep voice behind him.

A man was leaning against a doorway, a cup of steaming coffee in his hands, "I said you can go anywhere in the house." He nodded to the room behind him, "Miss Lynn lets her guests anywhere."

Joshua nodded, not able to find his voice. He had been startled by the deep voice, the southern twang resonating through in the first four words he spoke. When he turned around, he was stunned into silence by the man's beauty.

And beauty it was. The man was neither handsome nor rugged, almost looking out of place in the red flannel and faded, work worn jeans he was wearing. His face was angelic, framed by spiky blond hair, slightly chubby cheeks, and the most amazing eyes Joshua had ever seen in his life. His long fingers were wrapped around the coffee mug, and as he raised the mug to his lips to drink, Joshua found his eyes following the move and stopping at the perfect mouth. He realized he was staring and looked into the man's eyes, seeing he had raised an eyebrow at him.

Joshua sat on the front porch swing that evening, still running over the conversation he had with Lance in his mind. "It's Joshua," he muttered, beating himself up. "God, could I be more pretentious?"

He was alone on the porch, the other guests having left for the week earlier that day. Justin was in the house, cleaning up from dinner, and his parents were getting ready for the next day. Joshua hadn't seen Lance since their brief conversation that morning, although the man was all he could think about.

Lance leaned against the house, crossing his arms over his chest. "Well, let's see. You grew up in a clean house, probably not allowed to touch anything. Your parents smothered you with love, gifts, everything you could want. You probably went to an Ivy League school, graduated at the top of your class, and work for some law firm or something. You go by Joshua because that sounds more important than Josh, and because you had success so young, you feel that you'll be respected more if you use your full first name." He looked Joshua in the eye. "How'd I do, Yankee?"

Joshua took a step back; Lance hit the nail on the head. His parents were loving, somewhat overbearing at times, always pushing him to be the best. They gave him the best tutors money could buy, earning him a 4.0 in high school, 1500 on his SAT's and an entrance into Harvard. His mother hated when people shortened his name, a habit he picked up on early in life.

Justin nodded, "Yes sir. She doesn't want to hear from you all week." His eyes took on a glint, "Hey, why don't you go horseback riding with Lance? He has to go look on the grounds for a horse that got away from the corral, you could join him."

Justin shook his head, "No, you're going. I'm going to get Thunder ready for you. This will be good, it'll keep your mind off the office." He gave Joshua a smile and Lance an impish grin before running out to the stables.

Lance actually smiled at him. "Okay, then." He rose from his chair, "I've got to gather a few more supplies, and we'll be on our way." He stopped, "I'm warning you, though, the ground is a hell of a lot harder than that bed upstairs."

Lance gave him a smile, "You're doing alright," he told him. He sighed at the pained look on Joshua's face. "Okay, look. I don't think we're going to find Timber tonight, so let's stop." He led the horse to a small stream, Joshua following behind.

Lance threw the handful of rocks on the ground in front of him. "Because that's too stuffy. Because underneath that Wall Street exterior, I think there's probably a really great guy. Because everyone calls you that. Because I want to be different than everyone else."

Lance looked down at him, his green eyes sparking in the impending moonlight. "Really?" he asked softly, his eyes never leaving Joshua's. Joshua nodded, and a slight smile tugged at Lance's lips. "Why?"

Joshua rolled his eyes and tugged Lance's wrist, silently telling him to sit down. Lance settled next to him on the log and Joshua found he didn't want to move his hand. Pulling away from Lance, Joshua spoke quietly. "I work a lot," he started out, "and you were right the other day. I do feel I gain more respect going by Joshua. That's who I am, though, Lance. When I'm in New York, at work, I'm Joshua." He hung his head, feeling Lance's eyes on his profile. "I don't have a life outside of work. Hell, I haven't had a vacation in years. I wouldn't have taken this one if Carol, my secretary, hadn't insisted on it." He blew out a breath, "I'm gay," he blurted out.

Joshua shrugged, his hopes that Lance was also gay, doused. "Because that's part of the reason that I like you calling me JC." Lance looked at him, curiosity written in fine lines on his face. "I like you, Lance. Since that first meeting, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I like that you want to be different." His voice dropped to a whisper, "I want you to be different."

Lance didn't answer, and Joshua felt his heart fall to his feet, his sudden courage in admitting his feelings was regretted. He snuck a peek at Lance, and saw him staring out into the night, his mouth set in a fine line, his eyes faraway. Taking a deep breath, Lance suddenly stood.

Not much was said between the two men after that. They ate their dinner in silence, Lance's gaze on his plate, seemingly unaware of Joshua's eyes on him. When he was finished, Lance stood, moving to the area where he dropped their gear for the night, unrolling a sleeping bag.

Surprisingly, Joshua slept well. The ground was hard, but not cold, the warm Mississippi air and the stars in the sky providing a comforting blanket under which he slept. He woke the next morning to Lance's gentle shaking feeling refreshed and ready to go. That feeling lasted until he stood up.

Lance grinned and began to saddle up the horses, "It won't be a long day today. Just a quick ride around the perimeter of the grounds, and we'll go back. I can't spend too much time out here and away from the house."

Joshua watched him with the horses. He spoke softly to them, nuzzling their noses as he crossed in front of them. The love for the animal radiated from him, and Joshua had a sudden image of Lance with a child, speaking softly and teasing the youngster. He shook his head and forced himself back into the present, "What if you don't find the horse?"

Lance nodded as he led the horses out of their nighttime stop. "Yeah. They have plenty of food on the grounds, but they miss the food we supply them. You know, like the apples, the carrots."

Justin gave him an unreadable expression, "I'm sure they won't mind," he said. Jumping up, he moved towards the door, "I'll see if Lance is free tonight, maybe y'all could go to the drive in." Without waiting for Joshua's reply, he left the room.

Joshua complied, content to sit back and watch Lance. He sang softly with the radio, and Joshua was surprised to hear that his voice was amazing. He listened to Lance sing and memorized his profile.

The next few days were a blur to Joshua. After the movie, Joshua and Lance had gone to a diner, talking until close to two in the morning. The next morning, Joshua had the luxury of sleeping until almost noon, while Justin told him that Lance had risen at the crack of dawn. He felt bad, and that night, they spent the evening in the main sitting room of the house, snuggled on the couch in front of the fireplace, Lance falling asleep in Joshua's arms.

Lance found time to spend with Joshua, the two wanting to know everything they could about the other before Joshua had to go back to New York. They had a picnic lunch one afternoon; another, Joshua took lunch Lynn prepared to the barn where Lance was helping deliver a calf. The nights were spent on the front porch or by the fire.

Two nights before Joshua had to leave, they took the horses out for another ride, taking advantage of the warm night and the starry sky. They rode in silence, allowing the sounds of nature to fill the void. The crickets chirped, occasionally an owl could be heard, and the sound of the horse's hooves made a perfect melody as they rode in the grass.

Lance leaned forward, capturing Joshua's lips with his. Joshua was startled by the sudden movement, and his eyes were open in surprise for a split second before he closed them and let himself fall into the kiss. Lance's hand came up to cup Joshua's face, and Joshua leaned into his touch. His own hand trailed up Lance's arm, over his shoulder and to his neck, gently grasping the back of it and pulling him closer.

They fell back on the blanket, their hands moving over each other's body, their tongues exploring new places, their breaths warm on each other's skin. They let themselves go, not allowing themselves to think about Joshua leaving in two days, not allowing themselves to wonder what was going to happen when they were separated, just allowing themselves to feel.

The next day, Joshua's last full day at the ranch, was spent in his room. They lay in bed, making love, talking, and just being with each other until that fateful minute would arrive. Lance had taken the day off, quieting Joshua's protests that he shouldn't jeopardize his job for him with soft kisses. Justin would occasionally leave food outside the door, and when they would realize they were hungry, one would leave the warmth of the blanket and the body and go retrieve it, always returning to the bed, always moving back to his new lover. They fell asleep in each other's arms, not thinking of the morning light that would bring Joshua's departure.

Joshua woke first, his head on Lance's chest. Turning his head so his chin rested on Lance's chest, he watched him sleep. He watched Lance's eyelashes flutter with dreams, his lips part slightly, his breath warm on Joshua's brow.

Joshua hated saying goodbye. He said his good-byes to Lynn and Justin at the ranch, Lance offering to drive him to the airport. They said their formal good-byes with kisses in the parking lot, away from prying eyes of other passengers.

In the terminal, Joshua's flight was called and they stood. Joshua hiked his bag onto his shoulder and looked at Lance. He was standing with his cowboy hat in his hand, his flannel rolled up at the sleeves, his tanned arms showing beneath the cuffs. His jeans were worn, and Joshua realized that they were perpetually dirty, and that made him smile for some reason. His cowboy boots were scuffed, worn in, and Joshua couldn't imagine them any other way.

"I knew you were different the first time I saw you, JC," Lance said, suddenly feeling the need to speak. "We would never make it, you know that, right? I mean, look at you, your high-class suit, your freaking loafers, and your briefcase in your hand. You're so much more than Mississippi, JC, you belong in the city. I don't regret a single minute of our time together, even knowing you have to go." He reached forward and pulled Joshua into a hug, "I'm going to miss you, JC."

Joshua turned from his window and picked up the phone, his finger stabbing at the line three button. He spoke to the person on the other end of the line with a half a mind. The other half was stuck with Lance in Mississippi. It had been two weeks since he'd come back to New York, and he hadn't spoken to Lance since. They had both agreed it was for the best, neither one of them wanted to hang onto something that wasn't meant to be.

And yet, when he looked out his office window, out over the New York skyline, he couldn't help but let his mind drift to that ranch. He couldn't help but not want to see skyscrapers and smog and lights. He couldn't help the fact that he wanted to see sky and trees and stars and the moon. And when he lay in his king size bed at night, on his satin sheets, he couldn't help but want to be lying on a blanket on the ground, wrapped in Lance's arms.

He constantly found himself on the roof of his building, out in the cold nighttime air, peering through the smog that he never noticed before, looking for a single star, usually the North Star, wondering if maybe Lance was doing the same thing. Wondering what Lance was doing at that exact minute.

Yet Joshua never called. He didn't write, he didn't email the ranch, although, he came pretty damn close to that the night he looked at their webpage and found a picture of Lance next to a horse, smiling at the camera, his cowboy hat on his head, those eyes shining so damn bright, even over the screen of the computer. Joshua printed out that picture on special photo paper and framed one copy in his bedroom, another going on his desk when he was not with clients.

Carol noticed it, of course, and she did not question Joshua extensively. Just a simple query on if he was the reason Joshua was in such a bad mood lately. Joshua's grunt was answer enough for her, and she smiled sadly at him before leaving him alone in his office.

As he hung up the phone, Joshua's gaze swept over the picture of Lance, and he realized that he wasn't going to get any work done at all. He reached for the CD he purchased on his lunch break, and put it in his player, skipping to the track he wanted and pressing play. He had heard the song while he was getting ready for work, and it made him think of Lance so much, he uncharacteristically sobbed when it was over.

Even now, after listening to it so much, the words, the melody, the harmony was burned into his brain, he felt the teardrops prick his eyes and he pulled out a piece of stationery. This had to end. He had to write to Lance. Taking a deep breath, he picked up his pen and put it to the paper.

I know we agreed that we wouldn't keep in contact with each other, and I never thought I would be the one to break that. But as I sit here in my office, all my thoughts turn to you. I miss you, Lance. I miss you more than I thought I would. I wasn't lying that day at the ranch, I do love you. And even if I've only known you a short while, somehow you captured my heart, you captured my soul, and I'm not the same person any more. Work holds no interest for me. The city, normally fast paced and exciting is now loud and obnoxious. I find myself thinking of the nighttime rides we took, and wishing I was back there with you now. I know this letter completely sucks, and I apologize for that.

Yesterday I was getting ready for work and I had on CMT (you and your damn country music), and I heard a song that made me think of you. I feel so lame writing lyrics of songs to you as my letter, but believe me, they could express what I'm feeling so much better than I can. I figure you probably already know the song, but please, Lance, just read the words, read them and know that they describe how I feel about you.

Against his better judgement, Joshua sent the letter. He put it in the mailbox on the corner, addressed to Lance Bass, care of the Timberside Ranch, and prayed Lance wouldn't throw it away without reading it. He liked the comfort of the thought that maybe Lance would read it and feel the same way.

Joshua just knew Lance loved him, too. Even if he didn't say it, he knew that he had to have felt the deep feelings that Joshua did. He couldn't have been the only one to get hit with love like a Mack truck.

And yet, he never got a reply. He checked his mailbox anxiously every day, telling himself that he wasn't excited, and not believing a word of it. He wanted to get a letter so badly, he found himself going home on his lunch break to check the mail, each day returning to work dejected and miserable.

Finally, after three weeks without a reply, Joshua decided to give up. He threw himself back into his work with a gusto that he hadn't had since he joined the firm. He began to make money hand over fist, new clients calling him every day seeking an appointment, wanting just an hour of his time.

Carol looked down at the paper in her hand, "About a half hour outside the city. The gentleman requested that you come to his house, as he wouldn't have been able to make it to the city." She handed him the directions and he shoved them in the pocket of his suit jacket.

"Figures," Joshua muttered. Looking up at Carol, he grinned, "Can't afford a car, and yet they want to invest? This ought to be fun." As he left the office and crossed the room to the elevator, he asked Carol, "What's the guy's name again?"

Joshua felt his heart skip at the name. Bass. That was Lance's last name. Joshua found himself thinking of Lance at the weirdest times. Like on the way past the fish market, like when he went to a jazz club, because the bass line was thumping so hard, it disturbed the glasses on the tables. And now, a new client with the same last name.

Wasn't he ever going to be able to get on with his life? He drove out of the city, focusing on the radio, an all news station that was giving a market update. He followed the directions Carol gave him to the letter, and when he was supposed to make a right turn, he did. All it did was lead him on a winding dirt road flanked by trees.

"Well, no shit," Joshua said dryly. "It's like a bad horror movie." He drove around a bend, and spoke to Carol, "There's nothing here. This driveway is like a mile long, and it's never-ending. Why did you agree to this?"

"That's a nice car you got there, Joshua." The deep, southern drawl came from the woods and Joshua turned to see Lance walking towards him, the infuriating smile on his face, his cowboy hat tipped back on his head.

Lance grinned at him. "Yeah. I sold my half of the ranch to Justin's parents, took the money along with some of the money I had saved and bought this land." He opened his arms in a sweeping gesture. "It's only twenty acres, but I think I'll do okay."

Lance nodded, "Yep. I owned half of it. Inherited it from my folks when they died." He shrugged, "I had nothing holding me there except for that ranch." He ducked his head, "What I had up here was more important."

"Well, believe it, because I want you here with me." Lance turned and pointed to a group of trees, "I was thinking we could cut some of those trees down and that's where we could build the house." He pointed slightly to the right, "And over there, that could be the barn." He cocked his eyebrow at Joshua, "Of course, I'll have to stay with you in your ritzy digs until we finish building, if that's alright with you."

Lance grinned, "And miss that look on your face?" He met Joshua's eyes, "God, JC, when you left, I was miserable. I missed you so damn much it wasn't funny. Justin finally had to sit me down and lecture me. Do you know how embarrassing it is to get a lecture from a nineteen year old kid?" He laughed and shook his head, "And then your letter came, and it was like a sign. I knew where I wanted to be. I knew you would never be truly happy in Mississippi, and you wouldn't be able to find work down there, so I knew it would have to be me. I could do what I love anywhere as long as I have land. It took so long because I had to work out details and then find the land over the Internet." He grinned and took Joshua's hand in his own, "Do you know I was in the city last week for closing?" Joshua looked at him in surprise, "I saw you. I sat outside your apartment building and waited for you to come out. It was so hard not to go to you."