Part 21

Inner Reflection | home

~Remembering you, how you used to be~

Visiting hours in the ICU were only a half-hour at 9:00, 1:00, 5:00 and 8:00. JC knew this, but he was hoping to get around it. At almost 9:30, when a nurse came around to tell them that it was time to leave, JC put his plan into action.

"Is it really, absolutely necessary that we leave now?" He looked at her, and smiled sweetly.

"But, don't you think that he needs his family around him to help him heal?" JC pouted a bit, and gave her a slightly pathetic look. Lance smiled a bit at JC's efforts. That look always worked on him.

The nurse, however, was unyielding. "Yes sir, he does need his family around him. That's why you're allowed to come back in four hours."

JC made a last attempt. "We won't get in the way; we'll just sit here, quietly."

"Sir, we have these rules for a reason, and I can't bend them for anyone. I'm sorry, but you'll have to get ready to leave."

JC nodded in resignation. "OK," he muttered.

"Josh," Lance said, "It's ok. I'm actually pretty tired."

JC quickly turned to him. "You ok?"

"Yeah, you know, it's just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

"You sure?" JC's voice was concerned.

"Yeah, I am." Lance gave a small smile, trying to assure JC that he was all right.

JC did not look entirely convinced. Nonetheless, he nodded. "I'll be back in a few hours.

"Josh, you don't have to do that," Lance protested.

"I don't?" JC raised an eyebrow. "What else am I gonna do? Stay home all day thinking about you? It's bad enough I have all those hours to waste between the visiting times."

"So, what? You're gonna drive back and forth between here and home every few hours?" Lance said, incredulously.

"Josh..." he started, wearily.

"And don't try and talk me out of it."

Lance sighed. He was too tired to argue. It wasn't that he didn't want JC there. It was just that he was concerned about him. He knew that JC had had a tough night as well, and he looked almost as exhausted as Lance felt.

"And stop worrying about me." He smiled at the look on Lance's face. "Don't look so shocked." Trailing his fingers over Lances cheek, he said, "No mask now, so get some sleep."

Lance leaned into the touch, his eyes sliding shut. JC's smile widened as Lance's breathing quickly deepened and evened out. He leaned down and kissed him tenderly. "I love you, baby," he whispered. "Sleep well."

"Josh," Stacey said, as they left the ICU, "can we talk now?"

"There really isn't much to say," JC said, with a sigh.

"Well, I'd sort of like to talk to you about what you said to my mother."

"Don't you think you were a little harsh?"

JC stopped dead. "Harsh?" he said loudly, turning to face her. "Wait a minute, harsh?"

"Josh it was. I mean, the things you said to her..."

"What about the things she said to me? What about the things she said about Lance? The things she's been saying for years? I should have told her off long ago."

"She's my mother, Josh. Or did you forget that?"

"I'm sorry Stacey, but your mother is a bad person."

Stacey shook her head. "She's not. It's just the way she was raised."

"That's no excuse. It's the way you and Lance were raised. It's the way I was raised. Hell, it's the way my parents..." He trailed off as realization dawned. "Shit."

"What?" Stacey asked.

"My parents. My family. I forgot they were here." The peace that he had attained with his parents was fragile. He wanted to cement it before it was too late. "God, I don't even know where they're staying."

"Don't worry about it, Josh," Stacey said, sympathetically. "They understand you have a lot on your mind."

JC shook his head. "I have to call them," he said, hurrying towards the hospital exit. Stacey sighed and followed him.

An hour later JC was sitting across from his parents in their hotel room. After greeting him and inquiring about Lance, they had fallen into an uncomfortable silence. His parents were sitting side by side on a little couch, their hands clasped. JC sat stiffly in a chair in front of them, waiting.

"Listen," JC said finally, "I know you guys aren't entirely ok with this."

"It's not that, Josh," his mother insisted.

"No," his father agreed. "It's just that we're...we don't really understand."

"What is there to understand?" JC asked.

"I'm sorry Josh, it's just hard to comprehend you being...involved with a man."

"Well, dad it's not like it happened overnight. I tried to explain it to you years ago, but you wouldn't let me."

His father sighed. "Josh, I'm trying to start an argument. We already admitted that we were wrong before. I'm just saying it's hard for your mother and I."

JC nodded. He didn't want to argue either. "Well, I mean, I wish I could do something to make it easier for you."

"How long has this been going on?" his mother asked.

"We've been together for almost six years now."

"But how long have you been..." she blushed, not able to finish the sentence.

"Gay?" JC finished for her. She nodded, not looking at him. "I don't know. For as long as I can remember I was attracted to guys more than girls. When I was in the Mickey Mouse Club I had, um, experimented with both." JC was blushing now. It was more than a little disconcerting to be talking about his sex life with his parents. "By the time the group got together I knew what my preferences were. But I, uh, I never really *felt* anything for anyone. Until I met Lance." He stopped and looked up at his parents. "Are you ok?"

His parents nodded. "Please, go on Josh," his mother said, softly.

"I met Lance and I just, I don't know. He was just so beautiful, and so sweet and so absolutely perfect. I couldn't believe someone like him even existed. Then, as I got to know him, I realized that, of course, he wasn't perfect, and he wasn't as sweet as he seemed at first, but he was a really great person. And we got close, and became really good friends. And the more I got to know him, the more I realized that I wanted to be with him. And I fought against that, cause I knew it wouldn't be good for the group. Plus, he was only sixteen at the time, and I didn't think he was gay."

JC paused, as if lost in his memories. "So, I did something stupid," he continued. "I started to pull away from him. I hung out with him less; I talked to him less and just generally pushed him away. God, if I had realized then how much I was hurting him..." He paused again, trying to regain control of his emotions.

"So this went on for a few months. And then I heard from Justin that Lance was thinking of leaving the group. Man, that hurt. The idea of him not being there. Even though I was keeping my distance from him, the idea of him not being close by was just like a punch in the gut. I decided to talk to him about it. I was willing to do just about anything to get him to stay.

***I knocked on the door of Lance's room and waited impatiently for him to answer. After what seemed like forever, he did. I could tell he'd been crying, and my heart ached.

"What do you want?" he said, his voice hoarse.

"I need to talk to you," I said. He looked away from me, but stepped aside to let me enter. After he shut the door, I said, "Why do you want to leave the band?"

"Like you care," he said.

"I do care," I said.

"Yeah, I know you care because it will mess things up for the group, but only for a little while. You guys can find another bass, easily."

"But why, Lance? Why do you want to leave?"

"Because I can't do this! I can't stay here knowing that you hate me!"

"Hate you?" I said. "I don't hate you."

"You've been ignoring me for months, treating me like I'm not even here. What am I supposed to think?"

"I'm sorry, Lance. I didn't realize that I was doing that," I lied.

"You didn't realize? I thought we were friends, JC. I thought that you cared about me, and you didn't even realize? You have no idea how much you hurt me."

I knew. I really did. His eyes were filled with tears, and God, that hurt me. I never wanted this. I never wanted to see him cry, and it was killing me. "I'm so sorry, Lance," I said. "I never meant to hurt you."

"It doesn't matter," he said, wiping away a tear.

"Because I can"t be around you, JC." His voice was so soft that I almost didn't hear him.

"Why?" I asked. He shook his head, and looked away. "Lance, tell me."

"Because of the way I feel about you." This time I had to strain to hear him, and when I did I thought that I had misunderstood. And my heart was pounding so hard that it was hard to hear over it. I reached out and took one of his hands.

"How you feel about me?"

"It's wrong!" he said, pulling away, ignoring my question. "It's wrong for me to feel this way, and I can't stop it!

"I can't. I can't do this," he said, futilely fighting against tears.

"Why not?" I asked, moving closer to him.

"JC?" he said, looking at me questioningly.

I brought my hand to his cheek, brushing away the tears there. He closed his eyes, and I could feel him trembling. "How do you feel about me?"

"I...I want...I want to be with you," he finally stuttered.

I felt like my heart was going to burst. I couldn't believe that he wanted me. It was like a dream come true. I lifted his chin and he finally opened his eyes. He looked almost afraid. "I want to be with you, too," I said. His eyes widened, and he looked like he wanted to say something, but I kissed him before he could.

Oh God, it was perfect. I had been waiting so long, and it was even better than I had dreamed it would be. I had never, in my life, been that happy. And the words just slipped out. "I love you," I said.

He pulled away, and I was so afraid that I had scared him off. But he was smiling. This brilliant, beautiful smile. "I love you too," he said. And if I thought I was happy before, it was like complete ecstasy now. Then I just held him, and it felt so right. Like this was how it was meant to be. Like I was complete. And I knew that this was where I wanted to be fore the rest of my life.***

JC stopped talking and looked up slowly, almost afraid to see his parents reaction. His heart dropped when he saw his mother wiping a tear away. Then he noticed the smile on her lips. He turned to his father. His expression was unreadable.

"Dad?" JC said, cautiously.

His father nodded, slightly.

His father nodded again. "I'm not really sure that I understand, but I can accept it."

JC stood, and embraced them both. "Thank you," he said as his mother kissed his cheek. "That's all I wanted."


	Inner Reflection \| home back to But Faith Part 21 ~Remembering you, how you used to be~ Visiting hours in the ICU were only a half-hour at 9:00, 1:00, 5:00 and 8:00. JC knew this, but he was hoping to get around it. At almost 9:30, when a nurse came around to tell them that it was time to leave, JC put his plan into action. "Is it really, absolutely necessary that we leave now?" He looked at her, and smiled sweetly. "Yes, it is." "But, don't you think that he needs his family around him to help him heal?" JC pouted a bit, and gave her a slightly pathetic look. Lance smiled a bit at JC's efforts. That look always worked on him. The nurse, however, was unyielding. "Yes sir, he does need his family around him. That's why you're allowed to come back in four hours." JC made a last attempt. "We won't get in the way; we'll just sit here, quietly." "Sir, we have these rules for a reason, and I can't bend them for anyone. I'm sorry, but you'll have to get ready to leave." JC nodded in resignation. "OK," he muttered. "Josh," Lance said, "It's ok. I'm actually pretty tired." JC quickly turned to him. "You ok?" "Yeah, you know, it's just I didn't get a lot of sleep last night." "You sure?" JC's voice was concerned. "Yeah, I am." Lance gave a small smile, trying to assure JC that he was all right. JC did not look entirely convinced. Nonetheless, he nodded. "I'll be back in a few hours. "Josh, you don't have to do that," Lance protested. "I don't?" JC raised an eyebrow. "What else am I gonna do? Stay home all day thinking about you? It's bad enough I have all those hours to waste between the visiting times." "So, what? You're gonna drive back and forth between here and home every few hours?" Lance said, incredulously. "Yeah." "Josh..." he started, wearily. "And don't try and talk me out of it." Lance sighed. He was too tired to argue. It wasn't that he didn't want JC there. It was just that he was concerned about him. He knew that JC had had a tough night as well, and he looked almost as exhausted as Lance felt. "And stop worrying about me." He smiled at the look on Lance's face. "Don't look so shocked." Trailing his fingers over Lances cheek, he said, "No mask now, so get some sleep." Lance leaned into the touch, his eyes sliding shut. JC's smile widened as Lance's breathing quickly deepened and evened out. He leaned down and kissed him tenderly. "I love you, baby," he whispered. "Sleep well." * "Josh," Stacey said, as they left the ICU, "can we talk now?" "There really isn't much to say," JC said, with a sigh. "Well, I'd sort of like to talk to you about what you said to my mother." "What about it?" "Don't you think you were a little harsh?" JC stopped dead. "Harsh?" he said loudly, turning to face her. "Wait a minute, harsh?" "Josh it was. I mean, the things you said to her..." "What about the things she said to me? What about the things she said about Lance? The things she's been saying for years? I should have told her off long ago." "She's my mother, Josh. Or did you forget that?" "I'm sorry Stacey, but your mother is a bad person." Stacey shook her head. "She's not. It's just the way she was raised." "That's no excuse. It's the way you and Lance were raised. It's the way I was raised. Hell, it's the way my parents..." He trailed off as realization dawned. "Shit." "What?" Stacey asked. "My parents. My family. I forgot they were here." The peace that he had attained with his parents was fragile. He wanted to cement it before it was too late. "God, I don't even know where they're staying." "Don't worry about it, Josh," Stacey said, sympathetically. "They understand you have a lot on your mind." JC shook his head. "I have to call them," he said, hurrying towards the hospital exit. Stacey sighed and followed him. * An hour later JC was sitting across from his parents in their hotel room. After greeting him and inquiring about Lance, they had fallen into an uncomfortable silence. His parents were sitting side by side on a little couch, their hands clasped. JC sat stiffly in a chair in front of them, waiting. "Listen," JC said finally, "I know you guys aren't entirely ok with this." "It's not that, Josh," his mother insisted. "No," his father agreed. "It's just that we're...we don't really understand." "What is there to understand?" JC asked. "I'm sorry Josh, it's just hard to comprehend you being...involved with a man." "Well, dad it's not like it happened overnight. I tried to explain it to you years ago, but you wouldn't let me." His father sighed. "Josh, I'm trying to start an argument. We already admitted that we were wrong before. I'm just saying it's hard for your mother and I." JC nodded. He didn't want to argue either. "Well, I mean, I wish I could do something to make it easier for you." "How long has this been going on?" his mother asked. "We've been together for almost six years now." "But how long have you been..." she blushed, not able to finish the sentence. "Gay?" JC finished for her. She nodded, not looking at him. "I don't know. For as long as I can remember I was attracted to guys more than girls. When I was in the Mickey Mouse Club I had, um, experimented with both." JC was blushing now. It was more than a little disconcerting to be talking about his sex life with his parents. "By the time the group got together I knew what my preferences were. But I, uh, I never really felt anything for anyone. Until I met Lance." He stopped and looked up at his parents. "Are you ok?" His parents nodded. "Please, go on Josh," his mother said, softly. "I met Lance and I just, I don't know. He was just so beautiful, and so sweet and so absolutely perfect. I couldn't believe someone like him even existed. Then, as I got to know him, I realized that, of course, he wasn't perfect, and he wasn't as sweet as he seemed at first, but he was a really great person. And we got close, and became really good friends. And the more I got to know him, the more I realized that I wanted to be with him. And I fought against that, cause I knew it wouldn't be good for the group. Plus, he was only sixteen at the time, and I didn't think he was gay." JC paused, as if lost in his memories. "So, I did something stupid," he continued. "I started to pull away from him. I hung out with him less; I talked to him less and just generally pushed him away. God, if I had realized then how much I was hurting him..." He paused again, trying to regain control of his emotions. "So this went on for a few months. And then I heard from Justin that Lance was thinking of leaving the group. Man, that hurt. The idea of him not being there. Even though I was keeping my distance from him, the idea of him not being close by was just like a punch in the gut. I decided to talk to him about it. I was willing to do just about anything to get him to stay. *I knocked on the door of Lance's room and waited impatiently for him to answer. After what seemed like forever, he did. I could tell he'd been crying, and my heart ached. "What do you want?" he said, his voice hoarse. "I need to talk to you," I said. He looked away from me, but stepped aside to let me enter. After he shut the door, I said, "Why do you want to leave the band?" "Like you care," he said. "I do care," I said. "Yeah, I know you care because it will mess things up for the group, but only for a little while. You guys can find another bass, easily." "But why, Lance? Why do you want to leave?" "Because I can't do this! I can't stay here knowing that you hate me!" "Hate you?" I said. "I don't hate you." "You've been ignoring me for months, treating me like I'm not even here. What am I supposed to think?" "I'm sorry, Lance. I didn't realize that I was doing that," I lied. "You didn't realize? I thought we were friends, JC. I thought that you cared about me, and you didn't even realize? You have no idea how much you hurt me." I knew. I really did. His eyes were filled with tears, and God, that hurt me. I never wanted this. I never wanted to see him cry, and it was killing me. "I'm so sorry, Lance," I said. "I never meant to hurt you." "It doesn't matter," he said, wiping away a tear. "Why not?" "Because I can"t be around you, JC." His voice was so soft that I almost didn't hear him. "Why?" I asked. He shook his head, and looked away. "Lance, tell me." "Because of the way I feel about you." This time I had to strain to hear him, and when I did I thought that I had misunderstood. And my heart was pounding so hard that it was hard to hear over it. I reached out and took one of his hands. "How you feel about me?" "It's wrong!" he said, pulling away, ignoring my question. "It's wrong for me to feel this way, and I can't stop it! "How do you feel?" "I can't. I can't do this," he said, futilely fighting against tears. "Why not?" I asked, moving closer to him. "JC?" he said, looking at me questioningly. I brought my hand to his cheek, brushing away the tears there. He closed his eyes, and I could feel him trembling. "How do you feel about me?" "I...I want...I want to be with you," he finally stuttered. I felt like my heart was going to burst. I couldn't believe that he wanted me. It was like a dream come true. I lifted his chin and he finally opened his eyes. He looked almost afraid. "I want to be with you, too," I said. His eyes widened, and he looked like he wanted to say something, but I kissed him before he could. Oh God, it was perfect. I had been waiting so long, and it was even better than I had dreamed it would be. I had never, in my life, been that happy. And the words just slipped out. "I love you," I said. He pulled away, and I was so afraid that I had scared him off. But he was smiling. This brilliant, beautiful smile. "I love you too," he said. And if I thought I was happy before, it was like complete ecstasy now. Then I just held him, and it felt so right. Like this was how it was meant to be. Like I was complete. And I knew that this was where I wanted to be fore the rest of my life.* JC stopped talking and looked up slowly, almost afraid to see his parents reaction. His heart dropped when he saw his mother wiping a tear away. Then he noticed the smile on her lips. He turned to his father. His expression was unreadable. "Dad?" JC said, cautiously. His father nodded, slightly. "Are you ok?" His father nodded again. "I'm not really sure that I understand, but I can accept it." JC stood, and embraced them both. "Thank you," he said as his mother kissed his cheek. "That's all I wanted."