Part 12

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Part 12

~"And it's all running out like it's the end of the world," you said~

'This might be the last time. The last time I touch him like this. The last time I hear him moan my name that way. The last time I make love to him.' He kissed Lance urgently, almost frantically. 'Not enough, it's not enough.'

Lance pulled away from him, his green eyes hazy with desire. 'I may never see him like this again,' JC thought desperately. Lance took JC's face in hands.

"Stop thinking," he said, before moving to kiss JC again.

So JC did. A kiss from Lance sometimes had that effect on him.

***

"Do you wanna go upstairs?" JC asked.

Lance rubbed his cheek against JC's bare chest, and gave a contented sigh. "I'm happy right here."

"Me too," JC said, pulling a blanket from the back of the couch, and draping it around them, before tightening his arms around Lance. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

He felt Lance smile against him. "I think I have a pretty good idea."

"Good. Do you know that I think I loved you from the first day we met?"

Lance snorted.

"What, you don't believe me?"

Lance looked up at him. "Josh, I was there. I remember the day we first met."

"So do I."

"So, you remember that I was a dorky, gawky kid with a bad haircut?"

"I remember that you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen." Lance made a disbelieving noise, but JC continued. "I remember thinking, my God, look at this kid; he has absolutely no clue."

"That was true!"

"No," JC shook his head, "he has no clue just how perfect he is." He smiled down at Lance, who blushed a bit, and quickly put his head back down, so JC wouldn't notice. "And I was thinking I really want him in the band, so please let him have a good voice."

"And despite my voice, somehow I made the band anyway."

JC laughed. "Whatever. So, I thought it was just infatuation, or something. After that, when I got to know you, it was just unbelievable. I could not believe the way you made me feel. I mean, I'd been in relationships before, but never serious. With you, it was like, I wanted to spend every second with you. I wanted to spend my life with you. No one, male or female had ever made me feel that way before." He cleared his throat around the lump that formed there. "Anyway," he continued, "I was thinking, whoa, Josh, settle down. First of all, he's not gay. Second, he's just a kid. You wanna go to jail?" Lance laughed. "But, I couldn't help myself, you know? From the day I met you, I've never wanted anyone else. You were just so..."

"So what?" Lance looked up again.

"I don't know. You were you. And I fell in love with you. And you fell in love with me. Man, did you shock me."

"I shocked myself," Lance admitted. "I was so afraid to admit that I was attracted to other guys, especially you." He bit his lip, remembering his earlier conversation with his mother. "Did you ever have any doubts?"

"About our relationship? Not really. I knew it would be hard, but that we loved each other, so it was worth it."

"Did you ever think that it was wrong?"

JC looked at him curiously. "No, never. Even after my parents...even then I didn't believe that."

"Do you think, maybe..."

"What?"

"Maybe it is wrong, and God is punishing us?"

"What?" JC sat up abruptly, forcing Lance to do the same. Grasping Lance's shoulders he said, "How can you think that, Lance? Where did you get an idea like that?"

There was something in his voice. He sounded angry and sad. And so afraid. And his eyes... Lance looked away. "My mother."

"I thought she hung up on you."

"No, she...I didn't want to tell you."

JC closed his eyes, relaxing his grip on Lance's shoulders and sliding his hands down to Lance's. He opened his eyes again and looked at Lance intently. "What did she say?" Lance shook his head, silently. "Tell me Lance. Please."

"I told her I was sick. And she said that God was punishing me for my sins."

JC felt rage well up in him. How could she? How could she say something like that to her son? "That isn't true, Lance," he said, trying to keep his voice calm. "You know that isn't true."

"What if it is?"

"It isn't! It can't be! Why would God let us fall in love, and then punish us for it? It doesn't work that way."

"Then why? Why am I sick?" Lance pulled his hands away and brought them to his face. "What other possible explanation could there be for this?"

"There is no explanation, Lance. Don't you know that? It just happened."

"Why did it happen to me?" Lance's voice was little more than a muffled whisper behind his hands.

"I don't know." JC gently pulled Lance's hands away from his face. The tears he saw there did not surprise him. Brushing them away tenderly, he said, "Some people just get sick. What about the millions of straight people with brain tumors? What are they being punished for? What about the millions of healthy gay people? What makes your sin so much worse than their's?"

"I don't know."

"I do. You haven't done anything wrong. This isn't a punishment."

"I don't know which is worse," Lance said. "Believing that I'm being punished or that I'm some cosmic joke. Believing that God hates me, or that he doesn't care either way."

JC continued brushing his fingertips against Lance's cheek, not answering. Lance leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. Neither spoke for several minutes. JC did not notice that Lance was crying again until he felt wetness on his hand.

"I don't want to die, Josh," he whispered brokenly.

JC pulled him into his arms. "I don't want you to die," he murmured against Lance's neck. Lance's cries became harder, evolving into soul wrenching sobs. JC did not bother to fight his own tears, and they mingled with his lover's. They sat together, crying, holding each other, drawing what comfort they could from each other.


	Inner Reflection \| home back to But Faith Part 12 ~"And it's all running out like it's the end of the world," you said~ 'This might be the last time. The last time I touch him like this. The last time I hear him moan my name that way. The last time I make love to him.' He kissed Lance urgently, almost frantically. 'Not enough, it's not enough.' Lance pulled away from him, his green eyes hazy with desire. 'I may never see him like this again,' JC thought desperately. Lance took JC's face in hands. "Stop thinking," he said, before moving to kiss JC again. So JC did. A kiss from Lance sometimes had that effect on him. *** "Do you wanna go upstairs?" JC asked. Lance rubbed his cheek against JC's bare chest, and gave a contented sigh. "I'm happy right here." "Me too," JC said, pulling a blanket from the back of the couch, and draping it around them, before tightening his arms around Lance. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?" He felt Lance smile against him. "I think I have a pretty good idea." "Good. Do you know that I think I loved you from the first day we met?" Lance snorted. "What, you don't believe me?" Lance looked up at him. "Josh, I was there. I remember the day we first met." "So do I." "So, you remember that I was a dorky, gawky kid with a bad haircut?" "I remember that you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen." Lance made a disbelieving noise, but JC continued. "I remember thinking, my God, look at this kid; he has absolutely no clue." "That was true!" "No," JC shook his head, "he has no clue just how perfect he is." He smiled down at Lance, who blushed a bit, and quickly put his head back down, so JC wouldn't notice. "And I was thinking I really want him in the band, so please let him have a good voice." "And despite my voice, somehow I made the band anyway." JC laughed. "Whatever. So, I thought it was just infatuation, or something. After that, when I got to know you, it was just unbelievable. I could not believe the way you made me feel. I mean, I'd been in relationships before, but never serious. With you, it was like, I wanted to spend every second with you. I wanted to spend my life with you. No one, male or female had ever made me feel that way before." He cleared his throat around the lump that formed there. "Anyway," he continued, "I was thinking, whoa, Josh, settle down. First of all, he's not gay. Second, he's just a kid. You wanna go to jail?" Lance laughed. "But, I couldn't help myself, you know? From the day I met you, I've never wanted anyone else. You were just so..." "So what?" Lance looked up again. "I don't know. You were you. And I fell in love with you. And you fell in love with me. Man, did you shock me." "I shocked myself," Lance admitted. "I was so afraid to admit that I was attracted to other guys, especially you." He bit his lip, remembering his earlier conversation with his mother. "Did you ever have any doubts?" "About our relationship? Not really. I knew it would be hard, but that we loved each other, so it was worth it." "Did you ever think that it was wrong?" JC looked at him curiously. "No, never. Even after my parents...even then I didn't believe that." "Do you think, maybe..." "What?" "Maybe it is wrong, and God is punishing us?" "What?" JC sat up abruptly, forcing Lance to do the same. Grasping Lance's shoulders he said, "How can you think that, Lance? Where did you get an idea like that?" There was something in his voice. He sounded angry and sad. And so afraid. And his eyes... Lance looked away. "My mother." "I thought she hung up on you." "No, she...I didn't want to tell you." JC closed his eyes, relaxing his grip on Lance's shoulders and sliding his hands down to Lance's. He opened his eyes again and looked at Lance intently. "What did she say?" Lance shook his head, silently. "Tell me Lance. Please." "I told her I was sick. And she said that God was punishing me for my sins." JC felt rage well up in him. How could she? How could she say something like that to her son? "That isn't true, Lance," he said, trying to keep his voice calm. "You know that isn't true." "What if it is?" "It isn't! It can't be! Why would God let us fall in love, and then punish us for it? It doesn't work that way." "Then why? Why am I sick?" Lance pulled his hands away and brought them to his face. "What other possible explanation could there be for this?" "There is no explanation, Lance. Don't you know that? It just happened." "Why did it happen to me?" Lance's voice was little more than a muffled whisper behind his hands. "I don't know." JC gently pulled Lance's hands away from his face. The tears he saw there did not surprise him. Brushing them away tenderly, he said, "Some people just get sick. What about the millions of straight people with brain tumors? What are they being punished for? What about the millions of healthy gay people? What makes your sin so much worse than their's?" "I don't know." "I do. You haven't done anything wrong. This isn't a punishment." "I don't know which is worse," Lance said. "Believing that I'm being punished or that I'm some cosmic joke. Believing that God hates me, or that he doesn't care either way." JC continued brushing his fingertips against Lance's cheek, not answering. Lance leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. Neither spoke for several minutes. JC did not notice that Lance was crying again until he felt wetness on his hand. "I don't want to die, Josh," he whispered brokenly. JC pulled him into his arms. "I don't want you to die," he murmured against Lance's neck. Lance's cries became harder, evolving into soul wrenching sobs. JC did not bother to fight his own tears, and they mingled with his lover's. They sat together, crying, holding each other, drawing what comfort they could from each other.