Chapter 90

"You know, you're the third person to come visit me this morning? Will you be leaving me too, or are you going to stay for a while? First James, then Christopher, and now you."

"I see," Nikolas said, shaking his head. Lance had talked countless times about how adorable JC was when he first woke up...or was still half asleep, but Nikolas had never gotten a chance to witness it.

Chris and Lance sat on the bed in silence. Chris was waiting for Lance to speak, and Lance was searching for the right words to say. "Chris--" Lance began, then sighed and looked at the ceiling. Chris turned and studied him. "I'm sorry for whatever I've been doing," he said. "I know I've kind of been telling you guys what to do, but I only want what's best for the group, for you guys, for me to get back with Josh, you know? Have people know who I am again as opposed to this strange guy that is all of a sudden everywhere you are. And--"

Chris cut him off. "Lance, I didn't mean any of that, okay? That's not what we think, that's not what I think. I just blew up and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time..." Lance nodded in reply but Chris didn't think he believed him.

Lance started talking again. "Chris, I've been around a long time, you know that. Pretty much anything you can think of having happen to a person has happened to me. You know? I've been on trial, been shot, killed, set on fire--"

Lance was still staring at the ceiling. "That's right, I never told you and Justin the whole story, did I? Yeah, they dumped kerosene on me and I got torched. This was after I was dead though, so I didn't feel it." He grimaced, and then shook his head. "That's not the real point though...I

kind of want to explain...why I act like I do sometimes...but...I've always had a hard time letting people in, you know? Even way back in my time. I always felt like I had to prove myself to someone, show that I was important...so I molded myself into someone that I wasn't...only I believed that it was how I was. I was the perfect son in my parent's eyes...I did chores, took care of the animals, the whole works. I even had someone that my parents wanted me to marry..." he paused. "That was Sarah," he said with a small smile, lost in his memories. "We were best friends from birth...it wasn't entirely proper, but lucky for us, our parents didn't really mind. Then as we got older...we grew apart, you know? Settled into the roles society was giving us...

"I was thirteen when I first realized that I was looking at some of the other guys in something more than admiration. And I'll tell you, Chris, I was scared to death. I knew the bible by heart; even the tiniest feelings were wrong. But when I was fourteen I realized I needed to talk to someone about it, and I thought Sarah was the best choice...we trusted each other, you

know? It wasn't even anything big at the time, I just told her that I'd been having weird feelings...and she didn't even freak out or nothin'. We just went our separate ways...and then when I got home I realized that she had been there first." His face darkened.

"In that moment, I realized that everything about me, everything around me...it was all a lie. Sarah wasn't my best friend. She wasn't my future wife." Lance blinked back tears. "She became one of Them. My parents were no longer my parents, I didn't have a sister. I wasn't the perfect son. Nothing I could ever do would ever make up for my sins, they told me. In that moment, I wasn't the kid in town that everyone envied. I was dead to them. My parents told everyone that I had died; I don't even remember how it was. Probably some accident in the field, or drowning, something. Drowning, most likely, they didn't have a body." Lance smiled wryly, tears threatening to overflow.

Lance shook his head. "I have to finish," he said stubbornly. "You see, though, everything I had been was a lie. Everything I'd worked so hard for was just GONE. My mother never hated anyone until she found out about my 'impure thoughts.' My father never beat me as hard as he did that day." He shook his head. "I felt like such a failure. I hid in the woods, occasionally venturing out until they saw me the first time, then there was the rape thing, and eventually, my body just gave up. I was beat so much over the years, Chris...I had bones broken, bullets lodged in my leg, concussions too, I'll bet...and they didn't kill me until they found out I was planning on

leaving Mississippi." Lance shook his head slowly. "I just couldn't take it anymore," he whispered, sniffling. "So I was dead. I thought Heaven was some sick dream I was having, some cruel joke being played. I was abomination, sick, diseased...I didn't belong up there. It took Nikolas a

"Well, it happened," Lance said grimly. "Nobody acknowleged the fact that they had killed me," he said. "They just went about their daily lives...the way they had for the past seven years I'd been hiding away. So I'm told," he added wryly. "I was in no condition to be staring a people who had once been my family and friends when I first got up there."

He shook his head. “Anyway," he said. "I just know what it's like to be betrayed, you know? I just never really..." he paused and sighed. "I didn't want to see anyone I was close to go through that...and when I hadn't been able to figure out what Lou was doing in the beginning, I felt like I had failed again. Trying to get you guys out of this mess is just my way of trying to fix things for you. And when you started blaming yourself..." he shook his head. "It just took me to another place."

"Stacey? Nah. She was special," Lance said, lost in his memories. "She blamed herself when I died, for some stupid reason she thought she could've prevented it. She didn't get it that...they were who they were. They weren't gonna change just because it was me. She never really got over it until she met her husband..." Lance shook himself out of his mind and sighed softly.

Chris stared at Lance. His friend had been though so much in that short life, and even after his death...he couldn't get a break. And Chris himself had only made things worse..."Lance," he said, "I'm so sorry...I never should have said that...never should have said what I said...it was a cheap shot, Lance, and..." he closed his eyes. "I had no idea any of this happened...I'm so sorry..." he paused. "Does JC know any of this?"

"Look, Lance," Chris said, " I know I shouldn't have said that, and I'm SO sorry. I don't know how you'll even begin to think about forgiving me...but you were right...I was feeling guilty, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop..."

"We're a family, Chris," Lance said firmly. "A real one. We're brothers. And real families...real brothers don't turn their backs on their own," he continued. He paused and held out his arms.

"Lance--" Chris began, but cut himself off. "You're right," he whispered instead, leaning into Lance's embrace. "We cool now?" he asked. "You don't hate me?"

JC appeared in the doorway and leaned against the frame, arms crossed over his chest. He stared at Chris for a minute or so, making the older man slightly uncomfortable and causing him to glance at Lance nervously. "So?" JC finally said.

JC let an eye travel across Lance, not failing to notice the tear streaks on both their faces. He returned his gaze to Chris, and stared straight at him for another minute before crossing his eyes and raising an eyebrow as a smirk crossed his face. "So are you gonna get your paws of my boyfriend or am I gonna have to kick your ass?"


	Inner Reflection \| home back to Sent From Above Chapter 90 JC stumbled into the kitchen, sitting in the seat that Lance had been in earlier. He banged his head against the table the same way his boyfriend had. Nikolas smiled. "So you DO wake up, Joshua?" he asked. JC lifted his head. "Mmmhmmm," he grunted. "You know, you're the third person to come visit me this morning? Will you be leaving me too, or are you going to stay for a while? First James, then Christopher, and now you." JC lifted his head again. "Lance?" he asked. "Yes, what about him?" A goofy smile crossed JC's face. "Nuttin'," he said, settling his head back into his arms. "I see," Nikolas said, shaking his head. Lance had talked countless times about how adorable JC was when he first woke up...or was still half asleep, but Nikolas had never gotten a chance to witness it. "Mmmhmmm," JC murmured, nodding against his arms. "So does that mean that Christopher is upstairs with James?" Nikolas asked slyly. JC's head shot up. "Chris? Alone with Lance?" he tried to sit up but Nikolas gently pushed him back down. "They need to talk," he said. ***** Chris and Lance sat on the bed in silence. Chris was waiting for Lance to speak, and Lance was searching for the right words to say. "Chris--" Lance began, then sighed and looked at the ceiling. Chris turned and studied him. "I'm sorry for whatever I've been doing," he said. "I know I've kind of been telling you guys what to do, but I only want what's best for the group, for you guys, for me to get back with Josh, you know? Have people know who I am again as opposed to this strange guy that is all of a sudden everywhere you are. And--" Chris cut him off. "Lance, I didn't mean any of that, okay? That's not what we think, that's not what I think. I just blew up and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time..." Lance nodded in reply but Chris didn't think he believed him. Lance started talking again. "Chris, I've been around a long time, you know that. Pretty much anything you can think of having happen to a person has happened to me. You know? I've been on trial, been shot, killed, set on fire--" "You were set on FIRE?" Chris asked, eyes wide. Lance was still staring at the ceiling. "That's right, I never told you and Justin the whole story, did I? Yeah, they dumped kerosene on me and I got torched. This was after I was dead though, so I didn't feel it." He grimaced, and then shook his head. "That's not the real point though...I kind of want to explain...why I act like I do sometimes...but...I've always had a hard time letting people in, you know? Even way back in my time. I always felt like I had to prove myself to someone, show that I was important...so I molded myself into someone that I wasn't...only I believed that it was how I was. I was the perfect son in my parent's eyes...I did chores, took care of the animals, the whole works. I even had someone that my parents wanted me to marry..." he paused. "That was Sarah," he said with a small smile, lost in his memories. "We were best friends from birth...it wasn't entirely proper, but lucky for us, our parents didn't really mind. Then as we got older...we grew apart, you know? Settled into the roles society was giving us... "I was thirteen when I first realized that I was looking at some of the other guys in something more than admiration. And I'll tell you, Chris, I was scared to death. I knew the bible by heart; even the tiniest feelings were wrong. But when I was fourteen I realized I needed to talk to someone about it, and I thought Sarah was the best choice...we trusted each other, you know? It wasn't even anything big at the time, I just told her that I'd been having weird feelings...and she didn't even freak out or nothin'. We just went our separate ways...and then when I got home I realized that she had been there first." His face darkened. "In that moment, I realized that everything about me, everything around me...it was all a lie. Sarah wasn't my best friend. She wasn't my future wife." Lance blinked back tears. "She became one of Them. My parents were no longer my parents, I didn't have a sister. I wasn't the perfect son. Nothing I could ever do would ever make up for my sins, they told me. In that moment, I wasn't the kid in town that everyone envied. I was dead to them. My parents told everyone that I had died; I don't even remember how it was. Probably some accident in the field, or drowning, something. Drowning, most likely, they didn't have a body." Lance smiled wryly, tears threatening to overflow. "Oh, Lance," Chris said, shaking his head. "You--" Lance shook his head. "I have to finish," he said stubbornly. "You see, though, everything I had been was a lie. Everything I'd worked so hard for was just GONE. My mother never hated anyone until she found out about my 'impure thoughts.' My father never beat me as hard as he did that day." He shook his head. "I felt like such a failure. I hid in the woods, occasionally venturing out until they saw me the first time, then there was the rape thing, and eventually, my body just gave up. I was beat so much over the years, Chris...I had bones broken, bullets lodged in my leg, concussions too, I'll bet...and they didn't kill me until they found out I was planning on leaving Mississippi." Lance shook his head slowly. "I just couldn't take it anymore," he whispered, sniffling. "So I was dead. I thought Heaven was some sick dream I was having, some cruel joke being played. I was abomination, sick, diseased...I didn't belong up there. It took Nikolas a long time to finally convince me to open up and accept it...that I belonged there." Chris wiped his eyes. "I can't believe that anyone could do that to someone," he said. "Well, it happened," Lance said grimly. "Nobody acknowleged the fact that they had killed me," he said. "They just went about their daily lives...the way they had for the past seven years I'd been hiding away. So I'm told," he added wryly. "I was in no condition to be staring a people who had once been my family and friends when I first got up there." He shook his head. “Anyway," he said. "I just know what it's like to be betrayed, you know? I just never really..." he paused and sighed. "I didn't want to see anyone I was close to go through that...and when I hadn't been able to figure out what Lou was doing in the beginning, I felt like I had failed again. Trying to get you guys out of this mess is just my way of trying to fix things for you. And when you started blaming yourself..." he shook his head. "It just took me to another place." Chris eyed him. "Where?" he asked. "Who?" Lance shrugged. "My sister," he said, not meeting Chris' eyes. "She thought that if she'd been home she could've helped my parents calm down..." "So she didn't care about you..." Chris trailed off. "Stacey? Nah. She was special," Lance said, lost in his memories. "She blamed herself when I died, for some stupid reason she thought she could've prevented it. She didn't get it that...they were who they were. They weren't gonna change just because it was me. She never really got over it until she met her husband..." Lance shook himself out of his mind and sighed softly. Chris stared at Lance. His friend had been though so much in that short life, and even after his death...he couldn't get a break. And Chris himself had only made things worse..."Lance," he said, "I'm so sorry...I never should have said that...never should have said what I said...it was a cheap shot, Lance, and..." he closed his eyes. "I had no idea any of this happened...I'm so sorry..." he paused. "Does JC know any of this?" "He knows most of it," Lance nodded. "I'll probably tell him more eventually...after this blows over..." "Look, Lance," Chris said, " I know I shouldn't have said that, and I'm SO sorry. I don't know how you'll even begin to think about forgiving me...but you were right...I was feeling guilty, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop..." "The other guys don't blame you, Chris," Lance said softly. "I don't blame you. We're in this together, all the way..." "Well, yeah, but..." "We're a family, Chris," Lance said firmly. "A real one. We're brothers. And real families...real brothers don't turn their backs on their own," he continued. He paused and held out his arms. "Lance--" Chris began, but cut himself off. "You're right," he whispered instead, leaning into Lance's embrace. "We cool now?" he asked. "You don't hate me?" "Sure, we're cool," Lance grinned. The moment was interrupted when clapping was heard from the doorway. "How delightfully 'Full House' of you," Justin said dryly. "Justin!" Joey said, dragging him out of the doorway. "Hey!--" "Dude, you watched that show too?" Joey was asking. "Man, Candace Cameron was HOT." "DJ? Hell yeah!" JC appeared in the doorway and leaned against the frame, arms crossed over his chest. He stared at Chris for a minute or so, making the older man slightly uncomfortable and causing him to glance at Lance nervously. "So?" JC finally said. "What?" Chris asked. JC let an eye travel across Lance, not failing to notice the tear streaks on both their faces. He returned his gaze to Chris, and stared straight at him for another minute before crossing his eyes and raising an eyebrow as a smirk crossed his face. "So are you gonna get your paws of my boyfriend or am I gonna have to kick your ass?"