Chapter 87

Inner Reflection | home

"This isn't your fault, you know."

Chris finally looked at Lance, who'd been sitting next to him and watching him for the past five minutes. 'Five minutes can feel like eternity when there's someone staring at you,' Chris reasoned to himself, concentrating on MarioKart. "What?"

"This isn't your fault."

Chris shifted uncomfortably. "I never said it was," he said.

"You're thinking it," Lance said matter-of-factly. "You're thinking that you brought everyone to Lou in the first place, aren't you?"

"It's true," Chris muttered.

"Maybe, but it's not your fault Lou is a greedy prick." Chris cracked a smile. "And besides, you're famous cause of him. Kind of. In a tiny way. And..." Chris looked at him expectantly. "Well duh," Lance said, rolling his eyes. "I wouldn't have been sent down here and THEN y'all wouldn't have the pleasure of knowing me. AND I would never have met Josh."

Chris rolled his eyes.

"No seriously," Lance said. "You were supposed to meet Lou. It's what was supposed to happen. No one is blaming you for the suit."

"I know that," Chris muttered, fidgeting uncomfortably under Lance's green gaze, finding himself feeling agitated.

Lance looked at him and tilted his head. "I don't think you do," he said.

Chris stood up, suddenly finding himself angry. "Shut up!" he exploded. Only half noticing the wide-eyed look of surprise on Lance's face, he continued. "Just shut the hell up, Lance, okay? I don't need you and your holier-than-thou shit."

"Ever since you showed up, everything's been fucked up," Chris continued. He knew what he was saying was so, SO untrue, wrong, but everything he'd been feeling, guilt, anger...it just came rushing out, and Lance was the unlucky recipient. "Lou resented us because of you, and then when you just left--"

"I didn't have a CHOICE, Chris!"

"--JC was miserable--"

"You think I didn't know that?"

"We would've been just fine with Ken. We would have been fine without you. We don't need you."

Lance's face went pale. "You can't mean that..."

"I do," Chris said, turning around. "All you've done during the suit is tell us this, or that--"

"I've ALWAYS made sure you guys agreed--"

"--Acting like we need you to live...well, we don't. We don't need you or your shit. You act like you're on top of the damn world. What makes you think you're smarter than us? You couldn't even make it past your twenty-first fucking birthday!"

Lance stood up, fighting tears and very pale. "Low blow, Chris," he managed in a strangled whisper. "You mean that?" he breathed out.

Chris didn't turn around. "I do," he said, his voice stronger than he felt. 'What's WRONG with you, stupid? What are you doing?' The questions in his mind went unanswered. 'You know this isn't his fault. He's wrong. It IS your fault. You pulled them into this mess, you and your dream...'

'It wasn't just my dream!'

'So what?' the rest of his mind continued. 'They probably could have achieved their dreams just as well without meeting Lou. Even Lance probably would have been happier just watching Joey from above. You dragged them all into this, it's your fault!'

Lance swallowed hard, clearing his throat and pulling Chris out of his thoughts. "Okay," he said. He felt a strange need to repeat himself. "Okay," he said again.

Chris turned. "Okay what?" He snapped, lost inside himself.

Lance flinched. "Okay I'll...stop," he said, his mind transporting him somewhere else.

Chris turned around and nodded his head. "Okay," he echoed, turning his attention back to the argument going on in his head.

"Okay," Lance repeated, backing out of the room and to the door. "Sorry..."

He crashed into Joey, who was carrying a bag. "Hey, man, where ya goin'?" he asked. "I got more games!"

"N...nowhere," Lance said, straightening up.

"Huh? Oh fine, just thinkin' about some stuff Chris pointed out is all." Lance shifted nervously from one foot to the other.

"Oh? Like what?" Joey asked, walking into the kitchen.

Lance followed and shrugged. "Just...he said that it seemed like I came out of nowhere and started ordering you around about the lawsuit."

Joey buried his head in the pantry and chomped on something he'd found in there. "Well he's almost kind of got a point," he said off handily, not really thinking about it.

"Well, you DID just come back, but that doesn't mean you--" Joey turned around as he spoke, cutting himself off when he saw that he was alone.

Justin was silently cursing Joey and struggling with three bags of junk food when Lance nearly crashed into him. "Hey Lance," he said from behind the paper bags. "Is Joey in there? Scrub was supposed to help me with this stuff."

Lance nodded. "Yeah," he muttered.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"Sorry," Lance mumbled. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, Justin, I'm sorry/"

"Sorry for what? Lance?"

Lance seemed to be in another world. "Sorry," he murmured. "Tell Josh I'm sorry and I love him...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to act like that..."

"Sorry...Chris was right..." Then he bolted.

Justin dropped the bags and chased after him. "LANCE!"

Justin slammed the door shut behind him some time later, eyes blazing. "What the hell did you say to him, Chris?" he asked, not noticing JC in the room.

Chris looked up, and the smile that had been on his face disappeared when he saw Justin's angry face. "What?"

"Justin?" JC asked. "Where's Lance?"

Justin ignored him. "What did you SAY, Chris?"

"CHRIS! You know exactly what I'm talking about, so DON'T pretend you don't. Lance disappeared because of what you said...I can't find him anywhere."

JC stood up quickly. "What?"

"He kept saying he was sorry, Chris. What happened?"

"He left?" Chris faltered. "How do you know it was my fault?"

"I don't know, Chris," Justin began sarcastically. "Maybe cause he kept saying 'Chris said?' He's never mentioned knowing another Chris."

Justin finally looked at JC. "What?" he asked, eyes softening a little.

"What did Lance say to you?"

Justin chewed on his lower lip. "He just said he was sorry for the way he was acting and kept muttering about something Chris said. And...he said sorry to you, Jace...sorry and that he loves you."

JC pursed his lips. "For what?"

Justin licked his lips and swallowed. "I don't know, man," he shrugged. He turned to the now wide-eyed Chris. "But you do."

Lance didn't know where he was or where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away. He had failed again. He failed his family by not being the son they wanted him to be. He failed himself because he couldn't even stay alive past age twenty-one. Chris was right, what did he know? He had failed everyone above him by not doing the job right in the first place. And now he had failed his boyfriend, his brothers. He was a failure. With that thought in mind, Lance sat down and finally, for the first time in too long, let himself cry. He never felt the comforting arm on his shoulders.

Chris sat quiet, curled in a corner of the couch, having told his story.

"How could you SAY that to him, Chris?" JC asked, not looking at his friend. "How could you?"

"I don't know," Chris said miserably. "I don't know...I was just so frustrated with everything, and...I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't going to make him come back sooner," JC snapped.

Joey put a hand on his shoulder. "JC, leave him alone."

"It's not all his fault," Joey said quietly.

"I kind of said something to Lance," he admitted uncomfortably. Seeing JC turn icy eyes on him, he rushed to continue. "I wasn't even thinking about it! I said he kind of had a point; Lance didn't really elaborate on what Chris had said...but I was gonna say that it didn't mean anything, when he just disappeared--"

JC started pacing. "Great. He must feel just wonderful now," he muttered darkly. "Two of his 'friends' turned on him."

"I didn't turn on him, JC!" Joey said defensively. "He didn't give me a chance to finish!"

"Then what's your excuse?" JC asked, turning to Chris.

"I don't have one," Chris said. "I was stupid and I'm sorry."

"He'll come back, JC," Joey said, trying to sit him down.

"Easy for you to say, you were part of the reason he left in the first place!"

The doorbell rang and Justin jumped up, pushing JC down. He opened the door. "Oh God. Déjà vu."

"What?" JC jumped back up and ran to the door. "Oh God."

"Joshua! Nice to see you again!" JC looked at the man in shock. "Déjà vu indeed. At least you're in the right location this time, that's a plus." The man turned to Justin. "Again, I'm not God. Far from it, actually." He turned back to JC. "This, I believe, is yours?"

JC, jaw dropped, held out his arms wordlessly and the man deposited what he was carrying. "What's..."

"He's sleeping. Don't worry about it. Now..."

JC looked down at his arms, which were holding a sleeping Lance, whose face was splotchy and marked with tear streaks. "You're..."

Joey and Chris finally got to the door. "Umm..."

"Allow me to introduce myself. Nikolas Gates, at your service." At their blank looks, he continued. "I'm your lawyer?"

Chris blinked. "Jive sent you?" he asked dumbly.

"Oh, I suppose you could say that."


	Inner Reflection \| home back to Sent From Above Chapter 87 "This isn't your fault, you know." Chris finally looked at Lance, who'd been sitting next to him and watching him for the past five minutes. 'Five minutes can feel like eternity when there's someone staring at you,' Chris reasoned to himself, concentrating on MarioKart. "What?" "This isn't your fault." Chris shifted uncomfortably. "I never said it was," he said. "You're thinking it," Lance said matter-of-factly. "You're thinking that you brought everyone to Lou in the first place, aren't you?" "It's true," Chris muttered. "Maybe, but it's not your fault Lou is a greedy prick." Chris cracked a smile. "And besides, you're famous cause of him. Kind of. In a tiny way. And..." Chris looked at him expectantly. "Well duh," Lance said, rolling his eyes. "I wouldn't have been sent down here and THEN y'all wouldn't have the pleasure of knowing me. AND I would never have met Josh." Chris rolled his eyes. "No seriously," Lance said. "You were supposed to meet Lou. It's what was supposed to happen. No one is blaming you for the suit." "I know that," Chris muttered, fidgeting uncomfortably under Lance's green gaze, finding himself feeling agitated. Lance looked at him and tilted his head. "I don't think you do," he said. Chris stood up, suddenly finding himself angry. "Shut up!" he exploded. Only half noticing the wide-eyed look of surprise on Lance's face, he continued. "Just shut the hell up, Lance, okay? I don't need you and your holier-than-thou shit." "Chris, I never--" "Ever since you showed up, everything's been fucked up," Chris continued. He knew what he was saying was so, SO untrue, wrong, but everything he'd been feeling, guilt, anger...it just came rushing out, and Lance was the unlucky recipient. "Lou resented us because of you, and then when you just left--" "I didn't have a CHOICE, Chris!" "--JC was miserable--" "You think I didn't know that?" "We would've been just fine with Ken. We would have been fine without you. We don't need you." Lance's face went pale. "You can't mean that..." "I do," Chris said, turning around. "All you've done during the suit is tell us this, or that--" "I've ALWAYS made sure you guys agreed--" "--Acting like we need you to live...well, we don't. We don't need you or your shit. You act like you're on top of the damn world. What makes you think you're smarter than us? You couldn't even make it past your twenty-first fucking birthday!" Lance stood up, fighting tears and very pale. "Low blow, Chris," he managed in a strangled whisper. "You mean that?" he breathed out. Chris didn't turn around. "I do," he said, his voice stronger than he felt. 'What's WRONG with you, stupid? What are you doing?' The questions in his mind went unanswered. 'You know this isn't his fault. He's wrong. It IS your fault. You pulled them into this mess, you and your dream...' 'It wasn't just my dream!' 'So what?' the rest of his mind continued. 'They probably could have achieved their dreams just as well without meeting Lou. Even Lance probably would have been happier just watching Joey from above. You dragged them all into this, it's your fault!' Lance swallowed hard, clearing his throat and pulling Chris out of his thoughts. "Okay," he said. He felt a strange need to repeat himself. "Okay," he said again. Chris turned. "Okay what?" He snapped, lost inside himself. Lance flinched. "Okay I'll...stop," he said, his mind transporting him somewhere else. Chris turned around and nodded his head. "Okay," he echoed, turning his attention back to the argument going on in his head. "Okay," Lance repeated, backing out of the room and to the door. "Sorry..." He crashed into Joey, who was carrying a bag. "Hey, man, where ya goin'?" he asked. "I got more games!" "N...nowhere," Lance said, straightening up. "You okay?" "Huh? Oh fine, just thinkin' about some stuff Chris pointed out is all." Lance shifted nervously from one foot to the other. "Oh? Like what?" Joey asked, walking into the kitchen. Lance followed and shrugged. "Just...he said that it seemed like I came out of nowhere and started ordering you around about the lawsuit." Joey buried his head in the pantry and chomped on something he'd found in there. "Well he's almost kind of got a point," he said off handily, not really thinking about it. "O...oh?" "Well, you DID just come back, but that doesn't mean you--" Joey turned around as he spoke, cutting himself off when he saw that he was alone. "Lance?" * Justin was silently cursing Joey and struggling with three bags of junk food when Lance nearly crashed into him. "Hey Lance," he said from behind the paper bags. "Is Joey in there? Scrub was supposed to help me with this stuff." Lance nodded. "Yeah," he muttered. "Hey, where are you going?" "Sorry," Lance mumbled. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, Justin, I'm sorry/" "Sorry for what? Lance?" Lance seemed to be in another world. "Sorry," he murmured. "Tell Josh I'm sorry and I love him...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to act like that..." "Lance?" "Sorry...Chris was right..." Then he bolted. Justin dropped the bags and chased after him. "LANCE!" ***** Justin slammed the door shut behind him some time later, eyes blazing. "What the hell did you say to him, Chris?" he asked, not noticing JC in the room. Chris looked up, and the smile that had been on his face disappeared when he saw Justin's angry face. "What?" "Justin?" JC asked. "Where's Lance?" Justin ignored him. "What did you SAY, Chris?" "Huh?" "CHRIS! You know exactly what I'm talking about, so DON'T pretend you don't. Lance disappeared because of what you said...I can't find him anywhere." JC stood up quickly. "What?" "He kept saying he was sorry, Chris. What happened?" "He left?" Chris faltered. "How do you know it was my fault?" "I don't know, Chris," Justin began sarcastically. "Maybe cause he kept saying 'Chris said?' He's never mentioned knowing another Chris." "Justin." Justin finally looked at JC. "What?" he asked, eyes softening a little. "What did Lance say to you?" Justin chewed on his lower lip. "He just said he was sorry for the way he was acting and kept muttering about something Chris said. And...he said sorry to you, Jace...sorry and that he loves you." JC pursed his lips. "For what?" Justin licked his lips and swallowed. "I don't know, man," he shrugged. He turned to the now wide-eyed Chris. "But you do." * Lance didn't know where he was or where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away. He had failed again. He failed his family by not being the son they wanted him to be. He failed himself because he couldn't even stay alive past age twenty-one. Chris was right, what did he know? He had failed everyone above him by not doing the job right in the first place. And now he had failed his boyfriend, his brothers. He was a failure. With that thought in mind, Lance sat down and finally, for the first time in too long, let himself cry. He never felt the comforting arm on his shoulders. * Chris sat quiet, curled in a corner of the couch, having told his story. "How could you SAY that to him, Chris?" JC asked, not looking at his friend. "How could you?" "I don't know," Chris said miserably. "I don't know...I was just so frustrated with everything, and...I'm sorry." "Sorry isn't going to make him come back sooner," JC snapped. Joey put a hand on his shoulder. "JC, leave him alone." "What? Why?" "It's not all his fault," Joey said quietly. "What?" "I kind of said something to Lance," he admitted uncomfortably. Seeing JC turn icy eyes on him, he rushed to continue. "I wasn't even thinking about it! I said he kind of had a point; Lance didn't really elaborate on what Chris had said...but I was gonna say that it didn't mean anything, when he just disappeared--" JC started pacing. "Great. He must feel just wonderful now," he muttered darkly. "Two of his 'friends' turned on him." "I didn't turn on him, JC!" Joey said defensively. "He didn't give me a chance to finish!" "Then what's your excuse?" JC asked, turning to Chris. "I don't have one," Chris said. "I was stupid and I'm sorry." "He'll come back, JC," Joey said, trying to sit him down. "Easy for you to say, you were part of the reason he left in the first place!" The doorbell rang and Justin jumped up, pushing JC down. He opened the door. "Oh God. Déjà vu." "What?" JC jumped back up and ran to the door. "Oh God." "Joshua! Nice to see you again!" JC looked at the man in shock. "Déjà vu indeed. At least you're in the right location this time, that's a plus." The man turned to Justin. "Again, I'm not God. Far from it, actually." He turned back to JC. "This, I believe, is yours?" JC, jaw dropped, held out his arms wordlessly and the man deposited what he was carrying. "What's..." "He's sleeping. Don't worry about it. Now..." JC looked down at his arms, which were holding a sleeping Lance, whose face was splotchy and marked with tear streaks. "You're..." Joey and Chris finally got to the door. "Umm..." "Allow me to introduce myself. Nikolas Gates, at your service." At their blank looks, he continued. "I'm your lawyer?" Chris blinked. "Jive sent you?" he asked dumbly. "Oh, I suppose you could say that."