Chapter 26

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Chapter 26

"JC? You awake?"

"Who is it?"

"Lance."

"Then yeah," came the muffled reply. "Thought you went out?"

"Naw, you're not the only one that gets tired. Can I come in?" he asked.

Lance could've sworn he heard a sniffle. "Sure."

The room was dark and JC was lying on the bed with his face buried in his pillow. "Mind if I turn a light on? Not all of us were blessed with night vision."

"Go ahead."

Lance frowned but flicked the light on. He saw their new Christmas CD and picked it up. "I don't even remember recording half of these songs," Lance said.

"That's cause we did it in a month in between shows and interviews," JC reminded him, moving his head a looking at the CD.

Lance ignored the tearstreaks evident on his friend's face. If JC wanted to talk about ti, then he would. "True," he allowed. He hit the CD against his palm a few times before tossing it to the dresser.

"Go ahead, ask," JC said miserably.

"Ask what?" Lance asked.

"Don't act all innocent and shit," JC snapped.

"Excuse me?"

"I know you want to know why I'm upset," he said. "So just ask."

"Well, of course I want to know why, but I figure, if you want to talk about it, then you will," he said, grabbing a hackey sack off the nightstand and nonchalantly tossing it back and forth.

"But you won't ask," JC said skeptically.

Lance shrugged. "If I think you really need to talk about it, but won't, then I will. But..."

"My dad doesn't like fags," JC blurted out. Lance winced. "No, I didn't mean it like that...I mean...dammit! What I meant was that's the way he put it."

"What do you mean?"

"We were talking about Matt Shepard," JC said, sitting up. He saw Lance's pained look but continued. "And my dad said it was a horrible way to die, but then..." JC trailed off and Lance gave him an encouraging look. "But then he adds on, 'Even for a fag.'"

"Oh."

"And when I asked him about it, he brushed it off, like it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing, Lance!"

"I see," Lance replied quietly.

"Don't you get it?" JC asked, his voice raising with every word, upset at Lance's apparent lack of reaction. "My dad doesn't like gays. He'd probably never speak to me again if I said I was that way." Lance winced again at the terminology JC used. JC continued blindly. "And Matthew Shepard was just brutally MURDERED because of it! I can't be like that, I can't be gay...I..." Lance tried to control the anger bubbling inside him at JC's insensitivity. He knew it was in the heat of the moment, JC wasn't being rational, he didn't know what he was saying...

But he couldn't stop himself when JC proclaimed that it was all a mistake, he was straight, and of course, he didn't want to end up disowned or beaten, did he?

"DAMMIT JC!" Lance finally yelled. JC shut up, surprised at the sudden anger in Lance's voice. "YOU'RE the one that doesn't get it! This isn't a choice, it's not something you can just DECIDE to be or not be! You can't just wake up one day and say, 'Hey! I think I'll be gay today! Maybe tomorrow I'll be straight again!' It doesn't work like that!" He took a deep breath to try to calm down, but it didn't work. "And no offense or anything, JC, but you have NO idea what you're talking about here." JC's eyes widened as he realized what he'd said, but Lance continued, his eyes flashing. "YOU don't know what it's like to have BOTH of your parents disown you and pretend you're dead, tell everyone they know that you're dead, when you're fourteen years old. Be left alone in the world at fourteen years old. You were singing along with a freaking MOUSE when you were fourteen. When I was fourteen, JC, I got kicked out of my family tree. And what happened a year later, when I was fifteen? I had the shit beaten out of me by a gang. I almost DIED that day, JC, and I was fifteen. So don't you dare pretend you know what you're talking about." Lance turned and left the room, still fuming. He left the hotel at the same time the other three were coming back in.

"Hey Lance, where's the fire?" Chris asked, watching him storm by.

"Leave me the hell alone," he muttered.

Three pairs of eyebrows shot up. "He just blew," Justin commented.

"Yeah." Lance was the most laid back of all of them, but when he got angry...he got angry. They'd all seen it the days Chris and JC had almost been hurt. They knew he'd left to cool off and would be back soon. He usually left before he'd say or something he knew he'd regret, even in the head of the moment, something they all admired in him.

"That means someone set him off..." Justin began.

"JC!" they shouted. They got into the elevator and hurried to JC's room.

"Lance? Oh, it's you guys," JC said, his face falling.

"Yeah, second rate," Chris said sarcastically.

"I didn't mean that," JC sighed, trailing off. "Damn," he said, shaking his head. "Lance is the most laid-back guy in the world...but when he blows, he blows."

"Tell me about it," Chris said knowingly. They all burst out laughing. "What?"

"Seriously, JC, what happened?" Justin asked.

"Nothing," JC said.

"Give me a break. Something happened to set him off, we saw him storm out of here. So spill."

"James, what did you do?"

"I didn't do anything, Nikolas," Lance huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You didn't think Joshua would accept it this easily, did you?" Nikolas asked.

"No," Lance said glumly. "But he had no right to..."

"You should have controlled your temper," Nikolas scolded.

"I couldn't help it! I'm sure even YOU get mad sometimes. Oh wait. Never mind. You're perfect," Lance snapped.

"James! Control yourself!"

Lance flushed and looked down. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"I'm sure," Nikolas replied sarcastically.

"Nikolas, stop with the sarcasm, okay? I don't want to deal with it."

"Much the same way that you don't want to deal with Joshua?"

"I didn't say that!" Lance said.

"But you're implying it."

"No I'm not! I got angry and LEFT before I said something I knew I wouldn't be able to take back."

"What would that have been?"

"I don't know," he snapped. "But arguments always get to that point, don't they?"

"Not always. You could have handled that better."

"Then why don't YOU go 'Handle it' Nikolas?"

"You sure are pleasant tonight."

"Shut up, Nikolas," Lance said without thinking. "I don't need your sarcasm."

"JAMES! There's a little thing called RESPECT. Maybe you should learn how to USE IT."

Lance looked up angrily, and instead of offering the apology Nikolas had been expecting, he lashed out again. "Maybe you should know what I"m dealing with here. He was acting like he knew how it was, but he DOESN'T, Nikolas. He DOESN'T know. And frankly, I'm not so sure you do either. You can't tell me you've ever been beaten to death, you can't tell me you've ever been kicked out and called sick by your family, and you most certainly can't tell me that you know how any of that feels."

Nikolas looked down, ready to reprimand him again, but saw the pained look in Lance's eyes. He was waiting for chastising, Nikolas could see it. But he wasn't taking any of it back, and Nikolas realized that what he'd said was true. He didn't know half of what Lance had been through. "You're right," he said simply.

Lance looked up in surprise. "What? Aren't you going to..."

"No, James," Nikolas sighed. "Because you're right. I don't know any of that, or how any of that felt. But what I do know is that you've got a very confused friend sitting back in the hotel. He needs you right now."

"It's only going to get harder, isn't it?" Lance asked.

"Yes. Very hard. But soon, I can't foresee everything, you know, but soon, it will get easier."


	Inner Reflection \| home back to Sent From Above Chapter 26 "JC? You awake?" "Who is it?" "Lance." "Then yeah," came the muffled reply. "Thought you went out?" "Naw, you're not the only one that gets tired. Can I come in?" he asked. Lance could've sworn he heard a sniffle. "Sure." The room was dark and JC was lying on the bed with his face buried in his pillow. "Mind if I turn a light on? Not all of us were blessed with night vision." "Go ahead." Lance frowned but flicked the light on. He saw their new Christmas CD and picked it up. "I don't even remember recording half of these songs," Lance said. "That's cause we did it in a month in between shows and interviews," JC reminded him, moving his head a looking at the CD. Lance ignored the tearstreaks evident on his friend's face. If JC wanted to talk about ti, then he would. "True," he allowed. He hit the CD against his palm a few times before tossing it to the dresser. "Go ahead, ask," JC said miserably. "Ask what?" Lance asked. "Don't act all innocent and shit," JC snapped. "Excuse me?" "I know you want to know why I'm upset," he said. "So just ask." "Well, of course I want to know why, but I figure, if you want to talk about it, then you will," he said, grabbing a hackey sack off the nightstand and nonchalantly tossing it back and forth. "But you won't ask," JC said skeptically. Lance shrugged. "If I think you really need to talk about it, but won't, then I will. But..." "My dad doesn't like fags," JC blurted out. Lance winced. "No, I didn't mean it like that...I mean...dammit! What I meant was that's the way he put it." "What do you mean?" "We were talking about Matt Shepard," JC said, sitting up. He saw Lance's pained look but continued. "And my dad said it was a horrible way to die, but then..." JC trailed off and Lance gave him an encouraging look. "But then he adds on, 'Even for a fag.'" "Oh." "And when I asked him about it, he brushed it off, like it was nothing. But it wasn't nothing, Lance!" "I see," Lance replied quietly. "Don't you get it?" JC asked, his voice raising with every word, upset at Lance's apparent lack of reaction. "My dad doesn't like gays. He'd probably never speak to me again if I said I was that way." Lance winced again at the terminology JC used. JC continued blindly. "And Matthew Shepard was just brutally MURDERED because of it! I can't be like that, I can't be gay...I..." Lance tried to control the anger bubbling inside him at JC's insensitivity. He knew it was in the heat of the moment, JC wasn't being rational, he didn't know what he was saying... But he couldn't stop himself when JC proclaimed that it was all a mistake, he was straight, and of course, he didn't want to end up disowned or beaten, did he? "DAMMIT JC!" Lance finally yelled. JC shut up, surprised at the sudden anger in Lance's voice. "YOU'RE the one that doesn't get it! This isn't a choice, it's not something you can just DECIDE to be or not be! You can't just wake up one day and say, 'Hey! I think I'll be gay today! Maybe tomorrow I'll be straight again!' It doesn't work like that!" He took a deep breath to try to calm down, but it didn't work. "And no offense or anything, JC, but you have NO idea what you're talking about here." JC's eyes widened as he realized what he'd said, but Lance continued, his eyes flashing. "YOU don't know what it's like to have BOTH of your parents disown you and pretend you're dead, tell everyone they know that you're dead, when you're fourteen years old. Be left alone in the world at fourteen years old. You were singing along with a freaking MOUSE when you were fourteen. When I was fourteen, JC, I got kicked out of my family tree. And what happened a year later, when I was fifteen? I had the shit beaten out of me by a gang. I almost DIED that day, JC, and I was fifteen. So don't you dare pretend you know what you're talking about." Lance turned and left the room, still fuming. He left the hotel at the same time the other three were coming back in. "Hey Lance, where's the fire?" Chris asked, watching him storm by. "Leave me the hell alone," he muttered. Three pairs of eyebrows shot up. "He just blew," Justin commented. "Yeah." Lance was the most laid back of all of them, but when he got angry...he got angry. They'd all seen it the days Chris and JC had almost been hurt. They knew he'd left to cool off and would be back soon. He usually left before he'd say or something he knew he'd regret, even in the head of the moment, something they all admired in him. "That means someone set him off..." Justin began. "JC!" they shouted. They got into the elevator and hurried to JC's room. "Lance? Oh, it's you guys," JC said, his face falling. "Yeah, second rate," Chris said sarcastically. "I didn't mean that," JC sighed, trailing off. "Damn," he said, shaking his head. "Lance is the most laid-back guy in the world...but when he blows, he blows." "Tell me about it," Chris said knowingly. They all burst out laughing. "What?" "Seriously, JC, what happened?" Justin asked. "Nothing," JC said. "Give me a break. Something happened to set him off, we saw him storm out of here. So spill." "James, what did you do?" "I didn't do anything, Nikolas," Lance huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. "You didn't think Joshua would accept it this easily, did you?" Nikolas asked. "No," Lance said glumly. "But he had no right to..." "You should have controlled your temper," Nikolas scolded. "I couldn't help it! I'm sure even YOU get mad sometimes. Oh wait. Never mind. You're perfect," Lance snapped. "James! Control yourself!" Lance flushed and looked down. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I'm sure," Nikolas replied sarcastically. "Nikolas, stop with the sarcasm, okay? I don't want to deal with it." "Much the same way that you don't want to deal with Joshua?" "I didn't say that!" Lance said. "But you're implying it." "No I'm not! I got angry and LEFT before I said something I knew I wouldn't be able to take back." "What would that have been?" "I don't know," he snapped. "But arguments always get to that point, don't they?" "Not always. You could have handled that better." "Then why don't YOU go 'Handle it' Nikolas?" "You sure are pleasant tonight." "Shut up, Nikolas," Lance said without thinking. "I don't need your sarcasm." "JAMES! There's a little thing called RESPECT. Maybe you should learn how to USE IT." Lance looked up angrily, and instead of offering the apology Nikolas had been expecting, he lashed out again. "Maybe you should know what I"m dealing with here. He was acting like he knew how it was, but he DOESN'T, Nikolas. He DOESN'T know. And frankly, I'm not so sure you do either. You can't tell me you've ever been beaten to death, you can't tell me you've ever been kicked out and called sick by your family, and you most certainly can't tell me that you know how any of that feels." Nikolas looked down, ready to reprimand him again, but saw the pained look in Lance's eyes. He was waiting for chastising, Nikolas could see it. But he wasn't taking any of it back, and Nikolas realized that what he'd said was true. He didn't know half of what Lance had been through. "You're right," he said simply. Lance looked up in surprise. "What? Aren't you going to..." "No, James," Nikolas sighed. "Because you're right. I don't know any of that, or how any of that felt. But what I do know is that you've got a very confused friend sitting back in the hotel. He needs you right now." "It's only going to get harder, isn't it?" Lance asked. "Yes. Very hard. But soon, I can't foresee everything, you know, but soon, it will get easier."