Chapter 10b

OUR DILEMMA IS THAT WE HATE CHANGE AND LOVE IT AT THE SAME TIME; WHAT WE REALLY WANT IS FOR THINGS TO REMAIN THE SAME BUT GET BETTER.

JC left Lance's suite and moved to his own, across the hall, not a thought in his mind. He wasn't allowing himself to think; just put one foot in front of the other, make it to your room. He slipped the key card in the door, and moved into the quiet darkness of the large suite, not turning on the light, simply using his memory of the layout of the suite to guide him through the darkness.

Apparently, the alcohol impaired his memory, because he ran into the end table. “Shit!” he cursed, feeling a sharp pain go through his shin. “Figures,” he muttered, rubbing his shin and sitting on the couch.

The two words were running through his mind, until they eventually became one. Lance. Gay. Lance. Gay. LancegayLancegayLancegay.

“Stop it!” he commanded himself and put his hands to his ears. He moved his elbows to his knees and sat like that for a minute.

How could he? How could he be gay? This had to be some kind of a joke, right? Lance wasn't gay, he dated women before. Hell, he was in a relationship with Danielle for seven months. You don't do that if you're gay. Do you?

JC stood, ignoring the pain in his head. He moved to the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking for a drink. It had to be a joke.

Lance's face went completely white. Ashen, JC thought the word was. His eyes widened in fear, his lower lip began to tremble. As he stared at Joey, a single tear began falling down his white cheek, quickly joined by another, and another.

And JC turned to Joey. Joey had sat up on the couch, looking like the proverbial deer in the headlights. His own eyes were wide, his movements slowed as he faced Lance. And JC knew it was no joke. The terror on Lance's face, the horror in Joey's eyes, that wasn't fake. This wasn't a game.

JC grabbed the carton of Orange Juice out of the fridge and slammed the door shut. Joey knew! Why the hell did Joey know? Why did Lance go to Joey and not him?

JC snorted as he raised the carton to his lips. And what good would that have done, Josh? You walked out on him tonight.

Well, I had good reason, he thought. He lied to us, he's been lying to us! What does that say about our friendship? It obviously means nothing to him, so why the hell should it mean something to me?

A knock on the door brought JC to his senses. He shook his head, realizing he was still standing in the kitchen. He ignored the door, hoping whoever it was would go away. He really didn't want to talk to anyone tonight, he just wanted to go to sleep, and hope when he woke up the nightmare would be over.

The knock sounded again. “JC!” Justin yelled through the door, “Open up, I know you're in there!” He pounded again, “Josh!”

JC sighed and pushed himself away from the counter, moving towards the door, not bothering to turn on the lights. He wiped his cheeks and reached for the handle. Pulling it open, he saw Justin standing there, fist raised to knock again.

Justin pulled his chin from JC's grasp. “Nothing.” He pushed past him and came into the room. “God, JC, are you in mourning or something? Turn on a damn light,” he said as he reached for the lamp on the end table.

That wasn't a hundred percent true. He half expected Lance to come knocking on his door, wanting to talk, wanting to find out why his supposed best friend turned his back on him. JC was relieved when it was Justin.

JC relaxed as he looked at Justin. His cheek was slightly swollen and red, and he knew there was going to be a bruise that would be hard for makeup to cover. His lip was slightly puffy, but that would probably be gone by morning.

Justin shrugged, “I guess I said somethings I shouldn't have said.” He looked at JC, and abruptly changed the subject, “You okay? You left in a hurry.”

JC turned away from him, “Yeah, I guess.” He sat on one of the chairs, slumping in the seat. “I'm just, I don't know, shocked or something.”

Justin sat back on the couch, “I know what you mean. I never even suspected something like this. Lance always dated girls, never once did he say something about guys.” He sighed, “What are you thinking?”

JC shrugged, “I don't know, Justin. I have all these thoughts in my mind, and none of them make any sense. On one hand, I'm pissed, you know? I'm pissed that he didn't tell me. God, Justin, he told Joey! No one tells Joey anything that's a major secret, especially Lance! Lance always came to me,” he said softly. Gaining strength, he spoke again, “And on the other hand, I'm sad. I'm sad that he didn't trust me enough to talk to me. I'm sad that he's going through something like this. I can't even imagine what he's feeling right now.”

Justin smiled wryly, “Well, better than either of us, that's for sure.” JC smiled slightly as his words. “He was totally supportive of Lance. He basically told him he was proud of him for admitting something like this to himself, and having the courage to do it.” Justin raked a hand through his messy curls, “And then I went and shot off my mouth, and ruined the whole night.”

JC shook his head, “The night was ruined before you shot off, believe me.” JC sighed and rested his head on the couch. “Do you think he hates us?”

“I do, too, JC.” Justin stood and walked into the kitchen, picking up the orange juice and finding a glass. “I don't want things to change, though. I like them the way they are.”

JC also stood and crossed into the kitchen. “That's what really has you worried, isn't it?” he asked Justin softly. “You don't give a rat's ass that Lance is gay, you just want things to be the same.”

Justin looked at JC, tears in his eyes, and JC was struck at how young and vulnerable Justin looked at that moment. “No, I don't care that he's gay, not really. I mean, yeah, I guess next time we're changing, I'll be a little freaked out, but I'm sure I'll get over it. I just don't want it to change how anyone feels about anyone, you know? I mean, I don't want Lance to treat me differently because I decided to get on my soapbox earlier, and I don't want him to be pissed at Joey for telling us, and I don't want you and him not talking, because that would ruin things. It would ruin us.”

JC watched the tears spill over Justin's cheeks. “But, Justin, sooner or later, things are going to change, whether we like it or not.”

Justin wiped his eyes, “I know. I was just hoping it would be later.” He sighed, “And I can't help but think of Lance, here. We can have girlfriends, take them to the parties, the awards, been seen in public. He can't, JC. He can't be with a guy and be certain that he won't go to all the tabloids with the news that he's gay. He can't take him to anything. He has to live a lie. How is that going to affect him?”

JC felt a pain go through his chest at the mention of Lance's new life. He hated to see Lance hurting, and that's exactly what was going to happen. He wouldn't be able to have a serious relationship with anyone outside the group.

Justin watched JC as he thought about his words. He was staring at the counter top, his blue eyes flat, when suddenly, he blinked and looked up at Justin, eyes wide.

JC nodded, “Yeah, I'm fine,” he said distractedly. “Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I need to make a phone call.”

Justin walked out the door JC held open. “Okay,” he said, still staring at JC like he had a third head. “I'll see you in the morning.”

“See ya,” JC practically shut the door on Justin's face and retrieved his cell phone from the charger. He dialed her number, and listed to it ring in his ear.

“JC? What…what are you doing? Is everything okay?” Her voice was still sleepy, but there was an undertone of concern laced within.

JC sighed and slumped down the wall. “No, everything's not okay. I don't want to get into it with you now, because it's late.” He ran a hand through his hair.

His head hit against the wall as he leaned it back. “Yeah, I'm fine. Call me tomorrow.” He sighed into the phone, “Hey Bobbi?”


	Inner Reflection \| home back to Secret Desires Chapter 10b OUR DILEMMA IS THAT WE HATE CHANGE AND LOVE IT AT THE SAME TIME; WHAT WE REALLY WANT IS FOR THINGS TO REMAIN THE SAME BUT GET BETTER. *SYDNEY J. HARRIS CHAPTER TEN - THE AFTERMATH, part b JC left Lance's suite and moved to his own, across the hall, not a thought in his mind. He wasn't allowing himself to think; just put one foot in front of the other, make it to your room. He slipped the key card in the door, and moved into the quiet darkness of the large suite, not turning on the light, simply using his memory of the layout of the suite to guide him through the darkness. Apparently, the alcohol impaired his memory, because he ran into the end table. “Shit!” he cursed, feeling a sharp pain go through his shin. “Figures,” he muttered, rubbing his shin and sitting on the couch. Now, he could think. Lance. Gay. The two words were running through his mind, until they eventually became one. Lance. Gay. Lance. Gay. LancegayLancegayLancegay. “Stop it!” he commanded himself and put his hands to his ears. He moved his elbows to his knees and sat like that for a minute. How could he? How could he be gay? This had to be some kind of a joke, right? Lance wasn't gay, he dated women before. Hell, he was in a relationship with Danielle for seven months. You don't do that if you're gay. Do you? JC stood, ignoring the pain in his head. He moved to the kitchen, opening the fridge and looking for a drink. It had to be a joke. By the light of the refrigerator, JC remembered the look on Lance's face when Joey blurted out his secret. And how did Joey know anyway? Lance's face went completely white. Ashen, JC thought the word was. His eyes widened in fear, his lower lip began to tremble. As he stared at Joey, a single tear began falling down his white cheek, quickly joined by another, and another. And JC turned to Joey. Joey had sat up on the couch, looking like the proverbial deer in the headlights. His own eyes were wide, his movements slowed as he faced Lance. And JC knew it was no joke. The terror on Lance's face, the horror in Joey's eyes, that wasn't fake. This wasn't a game. JC grabbed the carton of Orange Juice out of the fridge and slammed the door shut. Joey knew! Why the hell did Joey know? Why did Lance go to Joey and not him? JC snorted as he raised the carton to his lips. And what good would that have done, Josh? You walked out on him tonight. Well, I had good reason, he thought. He lied to us, he's been lying to us! What does that say about our friendship? It obviously means nothing to him, so why the hell should it mean something to me? It does mean something to you, a little voice in his head whispered, it means more to you than you want to admit. JC felt the tears in his eyes seconds before he felt them on his cheeks. A knock on the door brought JC to his senses. He shook his head, realizing he was still standing in the kitchen. He ignored the door, hoping whoever it was would go away. He really didn't want to talk to anyone tonight, he just wanted to go to sleep, and hope when he woke up the nightmare would be over. The knock sounded again. “JC!” Justin yelled through the door, “Open up, I know you're in there!” He pounded again, “Josh!” JC sighed and pushed himself away from the counter, moving towards the door, not bothering to turn on the lights. He wiped his cheeks and reached for the handle. Pulling it open, he saw Justin standing there, fist raised to knock again. JC's eyes widened, “What happened to your face?” he asked, reaching out to turn Justin's head to the side. Justin pulled his chin from JC's grasp. “Nothing.” He pushed past him and came into the room. “God, JC, are you in mourning or something? Turn on a damn light,” he said as he reached for the lamp on the end table. JC shut the door, “Well, I wasn't expecting company,” he said dryly. That wasn't a hundred percent true. He half expected Lance to come knocking on his door, wanting to talk, wanting to find out why his supposed best friend turned his back on him. JC was relieved when it was Justin. “Now, what happened to your face?” JC demanded, standing in front of the couch Justin sat on. Justin looked at the ground and mumbled, “Lance hit me.” He looked up and saw a murderous look in JC's eyes. “He hit you?” JC asked, “I'll kill him.” He moved to the door before Justin got up and grabbed his arm. “JC, no, don't,” Justin turned him around, “It was my fault.” JC relaxed as he looked at Justin. His cheek was slightly swollen and red, and he knew there was going to be a bruise that would be hard for makeup to cover. His lip was slightly puffy, but that would probably be gone by morning. “Why, Justin? What happened?” If you hadn't run out, maybe you would know. Justin shrugged, “I guess I said somethings I shouldn't have said.” He looked at JC, and abruptly changed the subject, “You okay? You left in a hurry.” JC turned away from him, “Yeah, I guess.” He sat on one of the chairs, slumping in the seat. “I'm just, I don't know, shocked or something.” Justin sat back on the couch, “I know what you mean. I never even suspected something like this. Lance always dated girls, never once did he say something about guys.” He sighed, “What are you thinking?” JC shrugged, “I don't know, Justin. I have all these thoughts in my mind, and none of them make any sense. On one hand, I'm pissed, you know? I'm pissed that he didn't tell me. God, Justin, he told Joey! No one tells Joey anything that's a major secret, especially Lance! Lance always came to me,” he said softly. Gaining strength, he spoke again, “And on the other hand, I'm sad. I'm sad that he didn't trust me enough to talk to me. I'm sad that he's going through something like this. I can't even imagine what he's feeling right now.” Justin nodded, “I know. He's pretty upset.” JC looked over at Justin, “How did Chris take it?” Justin smiled wryly, “Well, better than either of us, that's for sure.” JC smiled slightly as his words. “He was totally supportive of Lance. He basically told him he was proud of him for admitting something like this to himself, and having the courage to do it.” Justin raked a hand through his messy curls, “And then I went and shot off my mouth, and ruined the whole night.” JC shook his head, “The night was ruined before you shot off, believe me.” JC sighed and rested his head on the couch. “Do you think he hates us?” Justin glanced sharply at JC. “Hates us? No, Lance doesn't hate us.” His voice betrayed his strong words. “I would hate us,” JC said softly. The two sat in silence for a few minutes before Justin broke it. “Does this change things?” he asked softly. JC opened his eyes, “Yeah, I think so.” “I do, too, JC.” Justin stood and walked into the kitchen, picking up the orange juice and finding a glass. “I don't want things to change, though. I like them the way they are.” JC also stood and crossed into the kitchen. “That's what really has you worried, isn't it?” he asked Justin softly. “You don't give a rat's ass that Lance is gay, you just want things to be the same.” Justin looked at JC, tears in his eyes, and JC was struck at how young and vulnerable Justin looked at that moment. “No, I don't care that he's gay, not really. I mean, yeah, I guess next time we're changing, I'll be a little freaked out, but I'm sure I'll get over it. I just don't want it to change how anyone feels about anyone, you know? I mean, I don't want Lance to treat me differently because I decided to get on my soapbox earlier, and I don't want him to be pissed at Joey for telling us, and I don't want you and him not talking, because that would ruin things. It would ruin us.” JC watched the tears spill over Justin's cheeks. “But, Justin, sooner or later, things are going to change, whether we like it or not.” Justin wiped his eyes, “I know. I was just hoping it would be later.” He sighed, “And I can't help but think of Lance, here. We can have girlfriends, take them to the parties, the awards, been seen in public. He can't, JC. He can't be with a guy and be certain that he won't go to all the tabloids with the news that he's gay. He can't take him to anything. He has to live a lie. How is that going to affect him?” JC felt a pain go through his chest at the mention of Lance's new life. He hated to see Lance hurting, and that's exactly what was going to happen. He wouldn't be able to have a serious relationship with anyone outside the group. What? Where had that thought come from? Justin watched JC as he thought about his words. He was staring at the counter top, his blue eyes flat, when suddenly, he blinked and looked up at Justin, eyes wide. “Are you okay?” Justin asked him, reaching out a hand to place on his arm. JC nodded, “Yeah, I'm fine,” he said distractedly. “Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I need to make a phone call.” Justin put his glass in the sink. “JC, it's like four in the morning. Who are you calling?” “Bobbi, I need to talk to her,” JC said, moving towards the door. He had to talk to his girlfriend, and now. Justin stared at him, “I thought you were breaking up with her,” he said. JC shrugged, “I don't Justin, maybe, maybe not. All I know is that I have to talk to her.” Justin walked out the door JC held open. “Okay,” he said, still staring at JC like he had a third head. “I'll see you in the morning.” “See ya,” JC practically shut the door on Justin's face and retrieved his cell phone from the charger. He dialed her number, and listed to it ring in his ear. “Hello?” a sleepy voice answered. “Bobbi? It's me,” JC said. “JC? What…what are you doing? Is everything okay?” Her voice was still sleepy, but there was an undertone of concern laced within. JC sighed and slumped down the wall. “No, everything's not okay. I don't want to get into it with you now, because it's late.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Okay, as long as you're okay. I can call you tomorrow.” Bobbi hesitated, “Are you okay, JC?” His head hit against the wall as he leaned it back. “Yeah, I'm fine. Call me tomorrow.” He sighed into the phone, “Hey Bobbi?” “Yeah?” “I love you.”