Chapter 20

Inner Reflection | home

JEALOUSY IS ALL THE FUN YOU THINK THEY HAD.

CHAPTER TWENTY - JEALOUS

“Do you think something's going on between Joey and Lance?”

Chips flew out of Justin's mouth as he choked on them. Coughing, he turned to JC, “What?” he asked when he could talk.

JC shrugged, “It's just, they've been spending a lot of time together lately. And now,” JC motioned to the hallway, “Lance is getting ready to go out with him.”

Justin took a long swallow of his soda as he studied JC. The two of them were watching TV at Justin's house, deciding they didn't want to go out on their first night home. Chris was out with Dani, and Joey was going to be arriving in a few minutes to pick up Lance. “JC, they're just going to a club. We were invited,” he pointed out. “Besides, Joey's straight.” He turned back to the television and began chewing on chips again.

“Sometimes I wonder about that,” JC said absently, causing Justin to spit his chips out again.

“Dammit, JC!” Justin said, “don't talk to me when I'm eating.” He threw the bag of chips on the coffee table in disgust. “Joey is not gay. What the hell would make you think that?”

JC shrugged, “I don't know. I mean, he is spending more time than usual with Lance. Maybe he's realizing something.” JC picked at the tab of his soda can as he spoke, keeping his eyes downcast.

Justin looked at him sideways, and a smirk appeared on his face. “Maybe he is, then,” Justin said innocently. “Good for him.”

JC whipped his gaze to Justin. “You approve of that?” His heart was beating rapidly. He didn't actually believe it until Justin just admitted maybe it could be true. He thought he was just jealous of the time Joey spent with Lance, jealous that he fucked everything up, and now Joey took his place in Lance's life.

Justin shrugged, biting the inside of his lip to keep from smiling. “Sure, why not? Lance needs someone, don't you think?”

“What's wrong with Joey? He'd be good for Lance.” Justin flipped through the channels on the television as JC stood up and began to pace.

“Nothing's wrong with Joey, exactly,” JC said. “It's just, he's a little wild for Lance, I don't think he'd be the most faithful boyfriend in the world, and well, he just doesn't seem Lance's type.”

Justin grinned at the TV, “Don't worry, JC,” he said, “I was just kidding, I don't think anything is going on with the two of them.” He looked up slyly, “He still loves you, don't worry.”

JC breathed a sigh of relief, “Good.” Realizing what he just said, his eyes grew wide and he turned to Justin. “I mean…”

Justin grinned, “I know what you mean, JC, don't worry.” He turned off the television, “You want to talk about it?”

JC turned away, “Nothing to talk about, Justin. I'm just glad that Lance isn't with Joey, that's all.”

Justin sighed, “Look, JC, why are you doing this to yourself? Why can't you just admit to everyone that you feel something towards Lance? God, don't you think we're all waiting for you to do it? Don't you think that we want this to be over?”

“What are you talking about?” JC asked him, turning to face him. “What do you mean, you've all been waiting?”

Justin picked up the bag of chips, “Me, Chris, and Joey,” he clarified, “We figured things out that night we locked you two in the back of the bus. We were hoping you'd admit to it and all this bullshit would be over. You and Lance would at least be friends again, and this tension that has been between you would be gone.” He rolled his eyes, “But, no, you had to go and tell him you hated him. Way to go, JC,” Justin said, giving him a sarcastic thumbs up.

JC stared at him, unable to form a coherent sentence. He just stared as Justin calmly looked back and ate his potato chips. Thoughts were flooding his brain. How did they know? Was he that obvious? And why didn't they say anything to him before? Did Lance know?

Justin shook his head at JC, “Lance doesn't know, if you're wondering,” he said, reading JC's thoughts. “You really killed him, JC. I don't think he even allows himself to think about you.” He cocked his head and spoke softly, “Why did you do it? Why did you tell him that?”

JC sighed and sank onto the couch next to Justin, resting his head on the back of it. “I don't know,” he replied. “There we were, you know, and he was laying his heart on the line, and I remember thinking, this is why he told Joey? This was his reason for not telling me? And then he was talking about he wished Joey never found out, how he wished Joey would never have forced him to talk about his feelings.” JC shook his head against the cushions, “And I began to get pissed. Because if Lance never told Joey how he felt, then Joey wouldn't have told us about Lance, and then I wouldn't be having these feelings towards another man.” He closed his eyes, “So, I said the one thing that would hurt him the most.” He opened his eyes and raised his head off the couch to look at Justin, “I didn't mean it. I mean, I did, but I didn't. I hate that he's so strong when it comes to this, and I'm not. I hate that he can admit to things and I can't.”

Justin shook his head in confusion, “Why didn't you take it back, JC? Why are you still letting him think you hate him?” He motioned to the hallway, “This is killing him.”

“I don't know how to make things right, Justin,” JC said. He stood up again and faced the hallway, “I go over in my head things that I want to say to him,” his eyes were faraway, as if he could see Lance through the walls, through the door that he stood behind, “and when I see him, when I have the chance, I wimp out.” He hung his head, “I don't know if I could take him turning away from me.”

“Like you did to him?” Justin asked softly.

“Yeah,” he replied thickly, “like I did to him.”

Justin watched JC's back for a minute and didn't say anything. In all honesty, he didn't know what to say. He hadn't meant to bring up JC's feelings towards Lance, he knew JC liked to keep things to himself, but when JC started getting all jealous of Lance and Joey's relationship, he couldn't help himself. So now here he was, staring at JC, JC staring at the direction of Lance's room, and neither one of them knew what to say.

Justin cleared his throat, “Look, JC, I'm no expert on gay people,” JC smiled at that, “But Joey says that Lance really has it bad for you.”

JC turned, “He said that?” he asked, a little too eagerly.

Justin smirked, “Yeah, he did.” He laughed as a dopey smile crossed JC's face. “God, JC, just go talk to him!” He stood and pushed JC towards the hallway. “He's in your old room.”

Lance was staying with Justin the few days they were home because his house was being exterminated, and he couldn't be around the fumes. Since JC had moved out, there was the extra bedroom open. JC walked down the familiar hallway, stopping outside his old room. He ran his hand over the small holes in the door, remembering the sign Justin had put there the day he moved in. It had read, `Josh's room.'

He took a deep breath, and knocked quietly.

“Come on in, Joey,” Lance called, “I'm almost ready.”

Not bothering to correct Lance on who it was, JC pushed open the door. Lance was in the bathroom connected to the room, rubbing gel onto his hair. JC stared at him through the doorway, not hearing anything Lance was saying to him.

“Just have a seat, Joe,” Lance said, studying himself in the mirror, “I just have to quick blow-dry my hair.” He picked up the white hair dryer and turned it on, quickly drying his hair.

JC panicked. He couldn't do this; he couldn't talk to Lance. He watched him turn off the hair dryer and push a stray piece of hair off his forehead. JC bit his lip in nervousness and moved to sit on the bed. He clasped his hands between his knees and studied the floor, giving himself a mental pep talk. He heard Lance shut off the light and looked up as he walked in the room.

Lance tugged at the cuff of his black silk shirt, “God, Joey, you're awfully quiet,” he started. He looked up and his voice trailed off when he saw JC sitting on his bed. “What do you want?” he asked quietly, his voice like ice.

“Lance, I…” JC started.

Lance shook his head, “No, I don't have time for this, and I really am not in the mood for you right now.” He moved around the bed to where his suitcase lay open. He reached down and picked up his cologne, spritzing himself with it.

JC took a deep breath. “Where are you going?”

Lance shrugged, not answering him, his attention on the clothes in his bag.

“You look nice,” JC offered. “Although, I don't really like you in black, it makes you look too pale. You should wear white.”

Lance stopped his motions and looked up at JC, incredulous. “Really?” he asked spitefully. “I'll keep that in mind, thanks.”

JC turned away and cursed under his breath. This was so not going the way he wanted it to. Why in the hell was he telling Lance what to wear? He turned back to Lance to see him unbuttoning his shirt, “Look, Lance, I'm...”

Lance cut him off a second time. “You know, JC, you ignore me for weeks, and then when we finally have to talk to each other, I spill my heart out to you,” he angrily finished unbuttoning his shirt and pulled it off his body, exposing a white wife beater underneath. Throwing the shirt in his suitcase, he continued, “And what do I get for my trouble? You tell me you hate me. And yet, you're sitting in my room, telling me what the hell to wear! God, can't you just leave me alone? Don't you think you've played with my mind enough?” He took out a white long sleeve shirt from his bag and pulled it over his head. “I can't deal with you anymore, JC, I just can't.” He shook his head and walked towards the door, closing it behind him as he left.

JC sat staring at the door in amazement. A slow smile spread across his face as he realized what just happened.

Lance had changed his shirt.


	Inner Reflection \| home back to Secret Desires Chapter 20 JEALOUSY IS ALL THE FUN YOU THINK THEY HAD. *ERICA JONG CHAPTER TWENTY - JEALOUS “Do you think something's going on between Joey and Lance?” Chips flew out of Justin's mouth as he choked on them. Coughing, he turned to JC, “What?” he asked when he could talk. JC shrugged, “It's just, they've been spending a lot of time together lately. And now,” JC motioned to the hallway, “Lance is getting ready to go out with him.” Justin took a long swallow of his soda as he studied JC. The two of them were watching TV at Justin's house, deciding they didn't want to go out on their first night home. Chris was out with Dani, and Joey was going to be arriving in a few minutes to pick up Lance. “JC, they're just going to a club. We were invited,” he pointed out. “Besides, Joey's straight.” He turned back to the television and began chewing on chips again. “Sometimes I wonder about that,” JC said absently, causing Justin to spit his chips out again. “Dammit, JC!” Justin said, “don't talk to me when I'm eating.” He threw the bag of chips on the coffee table in disgust. “Joey is not gay. What the hell would make you think that?” JC shrugged, “I don't know. I mean, he is spending more time than usual with Lance. Maybe he's realizing something.” JC picked at the tab of his soda can as he spoke, keeping his eyes downcast. Justin looked at him sideways, and a smirk appeared on his face. “Maybe he is, then,” Justin said innocently. “Good for him.” JC whipped his gaze to Justin. “You approve of that?” His heart was beating rapidly. He didn't actually believe it until Justin just admitted maybe it could be true. He thought he was just jealous of the time Joey spent with Lance, jealous that he fucked everything up, and now Joey took his place in Lance's life. Justin shrugged, biting the inside of his lip to keep from smiling. “Sure, why not? Lance needs someone, don't you think?” “But Joey?” “What's wrong with Joey? He'd be good for Lance.” Justin flipped through the channels on the television as JC stood up and began to pace. “Nothing's wrong with Joey, exactly,” JC said. “It's just, he's a little wild for Lance, I don't think he'd be the most faithful boyfriend in the world, and well, he just doesn't seem Lance's type.” Justin grinned at the TV, “Don't worry, JC,” he said, “I was just kidding, I don't think anything is going on with the two of them.” He looked up slyly, “He still loves you, don't worry.” JC breathed a sigh of relief, “Good.” Realizing what he just said, his eyes grew wide and he turned to Justin. “I mean…” Justin grinned, “I know what you mean, JC, don't worry.” He turned off the television, “You want to talk about it?” JC turned away, “Nothing to talk about, Justin. I'm just glad that Lance isn't with Joey, that's all.” Justin sighed, “Look, JC, why are you doing this to yourself? Why can't you just admit to everyone that you feel something towards Lance? God, don't you think we're all waiting for you to do it? Don't you think that we want this to be over?” “What are you talking about?” JC asked him, turning to face him. “What do you mean, you've all been waiting?” Justin picked up the bag of chips, “Me, Chris, and Joey,” he clarified, “We figured things out that night we locked you two in the back of the bus. We were hoping you'd admit to it and all this bullshit would be over. You and Lance would at least be friends again, and this tension that has been between you would be gone.” He rolled his eyes, “But, no, you had to go and tell him you hated him. Way to go, JC,” Justin said, giving him a sarcastic thumbs up. JC stared at him, unable to form a coherent sentence. He just stared as Justin calmly looked back and ate his potato chips. Thoughts were flooding his brain. How did they know? Was he that obvious? And why didn't they say anything to him before? Did Lance know? Justin shook his head at JC, “Lance doesn't know, if you're wondering,” he said, reading JC's thoughts. “You really killed him, JC. I don't think he even allows himself to think about you.” He cocked his head and spoke softly, “Why did you do it? Why did you tell him that?” JC sighed and sank onto the couch next to Justin, resting his head on the back of it. “I don't know,” he replied. “There we were, you know, and he was laying his heart on the line, and I remember thinking, this is why he told Joey? This was his reason for not telling me? And then he was talking about he wished Joey never found out, how he wished Joey would never have forced him to talk about his feelings.” JC shook his head against the cushions, “And I began to get pissed. Because if Lance never told Joey how he felt, then Joey wouldn't have told us about Lance, and then I wouldn't be having these feelings towards another man.” He closed his eyes, “So, I said the one thing that would hurt him the most.” He opened his eyes and raised his head off the couch to look at Justin, “I didn't mean it. I mean, I did, but I didn't. I hate that he's so strong when it comes to this, and I'm not. I hate that he can admit to things and I can't.” Justin shook his head in confusion, “Why didn't you take it back, JC? Why are you still letting him think you hate him?” He motioned to the hallway, “This is killing him.” “I don't know how to make things right, Justin,” JC said. He stood up again and faced the hallway, “I go over in my head things that I want to say to him,” his eyes were faraway, as if he could see Lance through the walls, through the door that he stood behind, “and when I see him, when I have the chance, I wimp out.” He hung his head, “I don't know if I could take him turning away from me.” “Like you did to him?” Justin asked softly. “Yeah,” he replied thickly, “like I did to him.” Justin watched JC's back for a minute and didn't say anything. In all honesty, he didn't know what to say. He hadn't meant to bring up JC's feelings towards Lance, he knew JC liked to keep things to himself, but when JC started getting all jealous of Lance and Joey's relationship, he couldn't help himself. So now here he was, staring at JC, JC staring at the direction of Lance's room, and neither one of them knew what to say. Justin cleared his throat, “Look, JC, I'm no expert on gay people,” JC smiled at that, “But Joey says that Lance really has it bad for you.” JC turned, “He said that?” he asked, a little too eagerly. Justin smirked, “Yeah, he did.” He laughed as a dopey smile crossed JC's face. “God, JC, just go talk to him!” He stood and pushed JC towards the hallway. “He's in your old room.” Lance was staying with Justin the few days they were home because his house was being exterminated, and he couldn't be around the fumes. Since JC had moved out, there was the extra bedroom open. JC walked down the familiar hallway, stopping outside his old room. He ran his hand over the small holes in the door, remembering the sign Justin had put there the day he moved in. It had read, `Josh's room.' He took a deep breath, and knocked quietly. “Come on in, Joey,” Lance called, “I'm almost ready.” Not bothering to correct Lance on who it was, JC pushed open the door. Lance was in the bathroom connected to the room, rubbing gel onto his hair. JC stared at him through the doorway, not hearing anything Lance was saying to him. “Just have a seat, Joe,” Lance said, studying himself in the mirror, “I just have to quick blow-dry my hair.” He picked up the white hair dryer and turned it on, quickly drying his hair. JC panicked. He couldn't do this; he couldn't talk to Lance. He watched him turn off the hair dryer and push a stray piece of hair off his forehead. JC bit his lip in nervousness and moved to sit on the bed. He clasped his hands between his knees and studied the floor, giving himself a mental pep talk. He heard Lance shut off the light and looked up as he walked in the room. Lance tugged at the cuff of his black silk shirt, “God, Joey, you're awfully quiet,” he started. He looked up and his voice trailed off when he saw JC sitting on his bed. “What do you want?” he asked quietly, his voice like ice. “Lance, I…” JC started. Lance shook his head, “No, I don't have time for this, and I really am not in the mood for you right now.” He moved around the bed to where his suitcase lay open. He reached down and picked up his cologne, spritzing himself with it. JC took a deep breath. “Where are you going?” Lance shrugged, not answering him, his attention on the clothes in his bag. “You look nice,” JC offered. “Although, I don't really like you in black, it makes you look too pale. You should wear white.” Lance stopped his motions and looked up at JC, incredulous. “Really?” he asked spitefully. “I'll keep that in mind, thanks.” JC turned away and cursed under his breath. This was so not going the way he wanted it to. Why in the hell was he telling Lance what to wear? He turned back to Lance to see him unbuttoning his shirt, “Look, Lance, I'm...” Lance cut him off a second time. “You know, JC, you ignore me for weeks, and then when we finally have to talk to each other, I spill my heart out to you,” he angrily finished unbuttoning his shirt and pulled it off his body, exposing a white wife beater underneath. Throwing the shirt in his suitcase, he continued, “And what do I get for my trouble? You tell me you hate me. And yet, you're sitting in my room, telling me what the hell to wear! God, can't you just leave me alone? Don't you think you've played with my mind enough?” He took out a white long sleeve shirt from his bag and pulled it over his head. “I can't deal with you anymore, JC, I just can't.” He shook his head and walked towards the door, closing it behind him as he left. JC sat staring at the door in amazement. A slow smile spread across his face as he realized what just happened. Lance had changed his shirt.