Chapter 18

Lance sighed and rested his head on the back of the couch. JC was still arguing through the door, his notebook forgotten on the seat he vacated. Lance watched him argue with Justin and took in a shaky breath. It was obvious JC didn't want to be stuck in the room with him. His tone was pleading, he was begging the other guys to let him out, and when Joey finally yelled into him that they knew what his problem was and he better make things right, JC's eyes widened before they closed, and he slumped against the door, defeated.

Lance watched him through half closed lids as he turned from the door, avoided looking at Lance, and sat back on the couch. He didn't open his notebook, instead, angrily threw it on the ground and cursed. He dropped his head against the window and watched the passing scenery. Lance wondered what was so damn exciting out there, considering it was the middle of the night and nothing could be seen.

Lance began to get angry as he studied JC. He was acting like a child. There was no reason that they couldn't have an adult conversation about what his problem was. He watched as JC's jaw clenched, as he swallowed, as he sunk lower into the couch, pulling his T-shirt down where it rode up on his stomach. And in the brief instant Lance saw JC's hard stomach, he forgot all about being angry.

Lance sighed. This was going to be a long night, he thought again. He was trapped in a small room on the bus, with JC, who had just gotten out of the shower, who's scent traveled across the small space between them, driving Lance crazy every time he took a breath, and he had to act like he didn't give a damn about JC Chasez and the feelings that overcame him whenever he was around.

Lance shrugged and sat up, “I don't care, Jace. Whatever you want. Why you're so pissed at me, why you won't talk to me, why you and Bobbi broke up.” He sighed as JC's eyes flickered away, “There was a time when you would have come to me when something like that happened. You still can, you know.”

JC's eyes hardened, “You want me to talk to you about my problems?” Lance nodded, and JC turned to him, swinging his legs so his feet rested on the floor. “Like you talked to me, right?” he asked.

JC nodded and answered sarcastically, “Oh, you're right, it is different. Because obviously my problems aren't as big as yours, and when they're really big problems, we keep them to ourselves.” He glared at Lance, “Or we go to Joey.”

Lance shook his head, “That's not true, JC! He forced it out of me! I didn't want to tell him, I didn't want to tell anyone yet!” He fell back against the couch, defeated, “You have no idea how hard that was for me.”

“Why? So you could turn your back on me, just like you did when you found out?” Lance stood up and began to pace in the small space, “That's precisely why I didn't tell you, JC! I couldn't handle you turning away from me!”

Lance shook his head, “No it wouldn't have, JC. You would have found out I was gay and went running. That would have been the end of everything. How you found out wouldn't have made a difference.”

JC pulled his arm from Lance's grasp. “You didn't give me a choice, Lance.” He dropped back on the couch and put his head in his hands. His voice dropped and Lance had to strain to hear him. “I thought we told each other everything, you know? When Joey told us you were gay,” he looked up and Lance was surprised to see tears shimmering in his eyes, “I was hurt.” He glanced away, “I thought it was another one of Joey's jokes, you know? Because there was no way you would have told him before me. There was no way.”

JC shook his head as Lance didn't answer. There, he had told him. Well, he hadn't told him everything, he didn't really think now was the time to get into his confused feelings. He wanted to tell Lance everything, though. But something was holding him back. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was his stubborn pride. Lance didn't tell him, so why should JC talk to Lance?

“Josh,” Lance said, the tone of his voice causing JC to look up and meet his eyes, “I'm sorry,” he said softly. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but trust me, I had my reasons.”

Lance hesitated, he didn't want to talk to JC about his feelings, not yet. It was too soon. He didn't even know how JC really felt about him being gay. In the back of his mind, a voice was telling him to just tell him, everything would turn out okay. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't tell him that he had feelings for him that ran deeper than friendship, that were bordering on full-blown love.

“Dammit, Lance!” JC exploded, “This is what I'm talking about! You tell me how we're best friends, we talk about everything, and yet you keep secrets from me!” He turned his angry eyes on Lance, “Does Joey know?” he asked bitterly. When Lance hung his head, JC laughed shortly, without humor. “He does, doesn't he?” JC stood and walked to the door, banging on it, “Justin, let me out!”

JC wasn't sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him when he thought he heard Lance's deep voice softly speak to him. He stopped pounding on the door, it wasn't getting him anywhere anyway, and he slowly turned to Lance. “Did you say something?” he asked shakily.

Lance was staring at the ground, his lips trembling, his green eyes shining with tears. His hand came up to wipe his face, but he refused to look at JC, refused to answer. His voice seemed stuck in his throat.

He hadn't meant to say it, he really didn't. He just looked at JC standing there, pounding on the door in an effort to get away from Lance, and it just came out. It was a desperate attempt to keep him in the room with him. A desperate attempt to get JC to stay just five minutes longer. And now that he said it, there was no going back.

JC stayed where he was by the door. Anger began to boil inside of him. Lance was in love with him? If that's indeed what he said, JC was pissed. This is why he couldn't tell him? This was his big reason for not including JC in his life? Well, isn't that what love was? Didn't you tell the person you were in love with everything?

Lance finally looked up and met JC's eyes. “I'm in love with you,” he said, his voice still quiet, but growing stronger. “That's why I didn't tell you. You're the reason I realized I was gay.”

Lance flinched at the uncaring tone of voice. He was already beginning to wish he didn't say anything. He was going to lose JC for sure. “No, I wish I was, but I'm not.” He began to speak, his words tumbling out. “I found myself thinking of you when I shouldn't have been. I hated Bobbi, JC; I hated her so much because she took you away from me when she was around. We never got to spend any time together when she was on tour. I hated that she got to kiss you, that she got to make love to you, and I had to be happy just being your fiend.” Lance looked up at JC, dismayed to see anger in his eyes, “And that was okay with me, JC. I was fine just being your friend. But apparently, Joey saw me watching the two of you at a club one night, and he forced me to talk to him. He forced me to admit who I was, and my feelings.” He shook his head, “I'm beginning to wish he never did.”

JC was angry. Lance was beginning to wish he never realized his feelings? Beginning to wish he never told Joey about them? Well, so was JC. If this shit hadn't happened with Lance, he wouldn't be where he was today. He'd still be with Bobbi, his girlfriend, he'd still be happy, and he wouldn't have to worry about these unknown, unexplained feelings he thought he had for Lance. The anger boiled to the surface, and he said three words that would change his life.


	Inner Reflection \| home back to Secret Desires Chapter 18 A LITTLE SINCERITY IS A DANGEROUS THING, AND A GREAT DEAL OF IT IS ABSOLUTELY FATAL. OSCAR WILDE, THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY* CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - HONESTY Lance sighed and rested his head on the back of the couch. JC was still arguing through the door, his notebook forgotten on the seat he vacated. Lance watched him argue with Justin and took in a shaky breath. It was obvious JC didn't want to be stuck in the room with him. His tone was pleading, he was begging the other guys to let him out, and when Joey finally yelled into him that they knew what his problem was and he better make things right, JC's eyes widened before they closed, and he slumped against the door, defeated. Lance watched him through half closed lids as he turned from the door, avoided looking at Lance, and sat back on the couch. He didn't open his notebook, instead, angrily threw it on the ground and cursed. He dropped his head against the window and watched the passing scenery. Lance wondered what was so damn exciting out there, considering it was the middle of the night and nothing could be seen. Lance began to get angry as he studied JC. He was acting like a child. There was no reason that they couldn't have an adult conversation about what his problem was. He watched as JC's jaw clenched, as he swallowed, as he sunk lower into the couch, pulling his T-shirt down where it rode up on his stomach. And in the brief instant Lance saw JC's hard stomach, he forgot all about being angry. Lance sighed. This was going to be a long night, he thought again. He was trapped in a small room on the bus, with JC, who had just gotten out of the shower, who's scent traveled across the small space between them, driving Lance crazy every time he took a breath, and he had to act like he didn't give a damn about JC Chasez and the feelings that overcame him whenever he was around. He decided that he was going to be the bigger man here. “You want to talk about it?” he quietly asked. JC whipped his head away from the window to look at Lance. It was as if he could hardly believe that Lance was talking to him. “Talk about what?” he asked shortly. Lance shrugged and sat up, “I don't care, Jace. Whatever you want. Why you're so pissed at me, why you won't talk to me, why you and Bobbi broke up.” He sighed as JC's eyes flickered away, “There was a time when you would have come to me when something like that happened. You still can, you know.” JC's eyes hardened, “You want me to talk to you about my problems?” Lance nodded, and JC turned to him, swinging his legs so his feet rested on the floor. “Like you talked to me, right?” he asked. Lance looked at the floor, “JC, that's different.” JC nodded and answered sarcastically, “Oh, you're right, it is different. Because obviously my problems aren't as big as yours, and when they're really big problems, we keep them to ourselves.” He glared at Lance, “Or we go to Joey.” Lance shook his head, “That's not true, JC! He forced it out of me! I didn't want to tell him, I didn't want to tell anyone yet!” He fell back against the couch, defeated, “You have no idea how hard that was for me.” JC answered bitterly, “Well, maybe if you would have talked to me about it, I would have.” “Why? So you could turn your back on me, just like you did when you found out?” Lance stood up and began to pace in the small space, “That's precisely why I didn't tell you, JC! I couldn't handle you turning away from me!” “I wouldn't have turned away from you, Lance!” JC told him heatedly. Lance stopped his pacing and stood in front of him. “JC, you walked out on me when you found out! Why would you have reacted any differently if I told you earlier?” JC stood and looked him in the eye, “Because I would have found out from you rather than Joey.” He poked Lance in the chest, “That would have been the difference.” Lance shook his head, “No it wouldn't have, JC. You would have found out I was gay and went running. That would have been the end of everything. How you found out wouldn't have made a difference.” JC threw up his hands and turned away, “How the hell do you know what I would have done, Lance?” Lance grabbed his arm and forced JC to face him, “Because it's what you did.” JC pulled his arm from Lance's grasp. “You didn't give me a choice, Lance.” He dropped back on the couch and put his head in his hands. His voice dropped and Lance had to strain to hear him. “I thought we told each other everything, you know? When Joey told us you were gay,” he looked up and Lance was surprised to see tears shimmering in his eyes, “I was hurt.” He glanced away, “I thought it was another one of Joey's jokes, you know? Because there was no way you would have told him before me. There was no way.” JC shook his head as Lance didn't answer. There, he had told him. Well, he hadn't told him everything, he didn't really think now was the time to get into his confused feelings. He wanted to tell Lance everything, though. But something was holding him back. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was his stubborn pride. Lance didn't tell him, so why should JC talk to Lance? “Josh,” Lance said, the tone of his voice causing JC to look up and meet his eyes, “I'm sorry,” he said softly. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but trust me, I had my reasons.” “What were they?” Lance hesitated, he didn't want to talk to JC about his feelings, not yet. It was too soon. He didn't even know how JC really felt about him being gay. In the back of his mind, a voice was telling him to just tell him, everything would turn out okay. But he couldn't do it. He couldn't tell him that he had feelings for him that ran deeper than friendship, that were bordering on full-blown love. He turned away, “I can't tell you.” “Dammit, Lance!” JC exploded, “This is what I'm talking about! You tell me how we're best friends, we talk about everything, and yet you keep secrets from me!” He turned his angry eyes on Lance, “Does Joey know?” he asked bitterly. When Lance hung his head, JC laughed shortly, without humor. “He does, doesn't he?” JC stood and walked to the door, banging on it, “Justin, let me out!” “I'm in love with you.” JC wasn't sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him when he thought he heard Lance's deep voice softly speak to him. He stopped pounding on the door, it wasn't getting him anywhere anyway, and he slowly turned to Lance. “Did you say something?” he asked shakily. Lance was staring at the ground, his lips trembling, his green eyes shining with tears. His hand came up to wipe his face, but he refused to look at JC, refused to answer. His voice seemed stuck in his throat. He hadn't meant to say it, he really didn't. He just looked at JC standing there, pounding on the door in an effort to get away from Lance, and it just came out. It was a desperate attempt to keep him in the room with him. A desperate attempt to get JC to stay just five minutes longer. And now that he said it, there was no going back. JC stayed where he was by the door. Anger began to boil inside of him. Lance was in love with him? If that's indeed what he said, JC was pissed. This is why he couldn't tell him? This was his big reason for not including JC in his life? Well, isn't that what love was? Didn't you tell the person you were in love with everything? “What did you say, Lance?” JC prodded. Lance finally looked up and met JC's eyes. “I'm in love with you,” he said, his voice still quiet, but growing stronger. “That's why I didn't tell you. You're the reason I realized I was gay.” JC's mouth dropped open, “you're kidding, right?” Lance flinched at the uncaring tone of voice. He was already beginning to wish he didn't say anything. He was going to lose JC for sure. “No, I wish I was, but I'm not.” He began to speak, his words tumbling out. “I found myself thinking of you when I shouldn't have been. I hated Bobbi, JC; I hated her so much because she took you away from me when she was around. We never got to spend any time together when she was on tour. I hated that she got to kiss you, that she got to make love to you, and I had to be happy just being your fiend.” Lance looked up at JC, dismayed to see anger in his eyes, “And that was okay with me, JC. I was fine just being your friend. But apparently, Joey saw me watching the two of you at a club one night, and he forced me to talk to him. He forced me to admit who I was, and my feelings.” He shook his head, “I'm beginning to wish he never did.” JC was angry. Lance was beginning to wish he never realized his feelings? Beginning to wish he never told Joey about them? Well, so was JC. If this shit hadn't happened with Lance, he wouldn't be where he was today. He'd still be with Bobbi, his girlfriend, he'd still be happy, and he wouldn't have to worry about these unknown, unexplained feelings he thought he had for Lance. The anger boiled to the surface, and he said three words that would change his life. “I hate you.”