Chapter 6

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Chapter 6

IF WE LET THINGS TERRIFY US, LIFE WILL NOT BE WORTH LIVING.

*SENECA, EPISTLES, 1ST CENT. AD

CHAPTER SIX-FEARS

Joey studied Lance under the dim moonlight. His head was tilted back, resting on the wall, his eyes shut. His mouth opened slightly as he sighed, a soft sound escaping his lips. He raised the bottle of beer in his hand to his lips and took a long swallow.

“What took you so long?” Joey asked him.

Lance turned towards Joey. “What do you mean?”

Joey shrugged and sat back in his chair, propping his feet on the railing. “I mean, it sounds to me like you fell for JC a while ago. What took you so long to admit it?”

Lance stared at Joey incredulously. What was he talking about? He just realized his feelings a week ago! He hadn't been in love with JC that long, it just hit him overnight. “What do you mean, Joe? I didn't fall for JC that long ago, I just realized it. And I admitted it to myself as soon as I did.”

Joey gave him a sly grin. “You're so damn naïve, Lance.”

Lance sat up straight and faced Joey fully, his legs now dangling off the railing. There was anger in his green eyes and his mouth turned downward. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Joey shrugged, “I mean…come on, Lance. You've been in love with JC since at least April or May. It's been a year, for God sakes.”

Lance felt his mouth drop open. He moved it as if to say something, but no words came out. He tried again, but found he couldn't talk. He had no idea what to say to Joey's statement. A year? He's been in love for a year and didn't know it? That was just not possible. If he were in love, he would know.

Joey laughed as he watched Lance struggle to speak. “Okay, Lance, close your mouth, flies will get in.”

Lance glared at Joey. “What do you mean a year?” he finally managed to get out.

“I've been listening to you talk to me about JC for a long time tonight. And from what you said, you noticed feelings for him when you were sick.” He shrugged, “That was last May. And maybe you weren't in love with him yet, but that was at least something.”

Lance's shoulders slumped. Joey was right. He clearly remembered standing at the sink, wondering what JC was thinking. And he remembered the surge that went through him when he found out JC asked Lou for him not to perform. And he remembered that simple hug on New Years Eve. The hug that had him believing he was complete.

“I guess I was scared,” Lance whispered hoarsely.

Joey's gaze sharply focused on Lance. “What?”

Lance picked his head up, and met Joey's eyes. Joey could see the slight moisture beginning to appear in Lance's eyes. Lance moved his hand up and raked it over his face, wiping any tears that Joey thought he saw away. When he spoke, he spoke so softly that Joey strained his ears to hear him.

“I was scared, Joe, so I bottled up what I was feeling. I ignored the thoughts that would race through my mind when he was around. I chalked it up to deep friendship, the kind where you're closer than family. I didn't want to admit to myself that maybe, just maybe it was something more.” He shook his head and the moonlight jumped off his blonde spikes, “I didn't want to realize that the feelings I had for JC ran deeper than the feelings I had for the rest of you guys.”

Joey studied Lance, “And now?” he asked softly, “what changed?”

Lance shook his head again and met Joey's gaze, “I don't know.”

Lance jumped off the divider between the rooms and took a seat on the chair next to Joey. He set his empty beer bottle in the bucket with the melted ice, but didn't take another out. He had enough for one night.

He was tired. But, strangely, he felt as if a huge weight was lifted off his chest. A weight that he had been carrying around for a year that had increasingly gotten heavier the past week.

“You gonna tell the others?” Joey's voice interrupted his thoughts.

Lance gave him a panicked look, “No!” he said forcefully.

“Why not?” Joey asked, “You really should tell them.”

Lance stood and began pacing in the small space the balcony provided. “And what would I tell them, Joe? Hey, guys, I think I'm gay and I know I'm in love with JC? Yeah, Joe, great idea.” He stopped pacing and turned to Joey. “You can't tell them,” he said, panic in his voice. “Please, Joe, promise me you won't tell them.”

Joey bit his lip as he studied Lance. “I wouldn't do that to you, Lance, you should know that. But I can't keep this a secret forever. You have to tell them eventually.”

Lance felt his eyes burn with tears at the thought of the others finding out. He would lose everything. “No, I can't.'

“Lance…” Joey started.

“No!” Lance interrupted forcefully, “God, why can't you understand that? Do you have any idea what the hell I'm feeling right now?” His hands were clenched in fists at his sides and he willed himself to relax. “I'm trying to come to terms with a feeling that I don't even understand! All my life I've liked girls, Joey. And now, all of a sudden I'm having these thoughts about JC. About a guy! And it scares me to death. I don't know why it's happening, I don't know where it's coming from and I don't understand it! And on top of that, everything I believe in is screaming at me, telling me that this is wrong, that I'm a sinner that I'm going to rot in hell for the rest of my life. All because of one man who has no idea the effect he has on me! And I can't tell him, or Justin, or Chris what is going on. Because JC knows me that well. He'll take one look at me and know I'm not telling him everything. And when he finds out,” Lance paused and took a deep breath, “When he finds out that I'm in love with him, he'll run.” Lance's voice fell to a whisper, “and I don't think I could handle that.”

Joey looked up at Lance who had stopped pacing when he began talking. His voice was ragged, laced with emotion, and Joey realized just how scared and lost Lance was feeling.

“Lance, it's okay to have feelings about a guy. That doesn't make you a bad person.” Joey decided to go for what he thought was really bothering Lance. He knew how important God and religion were to Lance, and from one sentence Lance uttered in his little speech, Joey knew it was on the front burner in his mind.

“It might not make me a bad person, Joey, but it makes me a sinner.”

Joey snorted and shook his head, “Lance, come on! I know you have these strict moral beliefs, and don't get me wrong, I think that's great, but if you ask me, this is one time you're going to have to bend a little. Personally, I'd rather rot in hell, and know I was happy on Earth, happy with my choices, than go to Heaven and feel as if I didn't live my life to the fullest.”

“Easy for you to say, Joey. You like women.”

Joey grinned at Lance, who had sat down again and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting. “Okay, I'll give you that. But last time I checked, it was a sin to have pre-marital sex.” He smirked and sat back, “And I do a lot of that.”

Lance laughed at Joey, “That's completely different.”

Joey said one word, “Why?”

Lance glanced at him. “Cause it is,” he stammered.

Joey shrugged, “Okay. But if it is, tell me why. Tell me why it's different that I sin with women and you sin by loving a man.” He raised his hands, palms up, “Seems to me as if we're both sinning.”

Lance opened his mouth and closed it. “Dammit, Joe! That's twice in one night I have nothing to say!”

Joey grinned and relaxed in his chair, “Okay, then. Moving on.” He again propped his feet on the railing and pushed back, tipping his chair on the back legs. “Now that we've established that we're both going to hell…let's see. Oh yeah, telling the guys.”

A shadow crossed over Lance's face, and he decided that he was going to have another beer after all. “No,” he said as he twisted the cap off the bottle.

“I'm not going to force you, Lance,” Joey said seriously. “But I want you to think about it, please?”

“I did. And no.”

Joey sighed as he brought his chair back on all four legs. “Look, Lance, you've done a lot of talking tonight, and now it's my turn, okay?” He turned the chair so he was facing Lance without having to turn his head. “We are your best friends. We love you, like you said before, we're family. Contrary to what you may believe, we are not going to turn our backs on you. And you may find this hard to believe, but we can read you like a book. You don't hide your emotions very well. And sooner or later, the other guys are going to get their heads out of their asses and realize that something's not right with you. Hell, I've noticed that you weren't yourself this past week. Why do you think I wanted you to come out with us? Why do you think I came up to you in the club? Why do you think I forced you to talk to me? Because I could see that you weren't right, that something was wrong.” Joey smiled crookedly, “And I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, Lance, you know that.” Lance grinned and Joey continued, “JC is a hell of a lot smarter than me, and he can read you a hell of a lot better than I can. And once Bobbi goes back to California, and you and JC are hanging out again, he's going to know something is up. And you know how stubborn he can be. He won't let up until you tell him.”

Lance felt tears behind his eyes, “I know. But I have to do it on my own terms, Joe. I can't just gather y'all together and say, hey, guys, I'm gay.”

Joey shrugged, “Fair enough. Your terms. But if you let this fester inside of you, the longing, the wanting, the uncertainty of what's right and wrong is going to tear you up. You have to talk, Lance, and I think you know that.” Lance nodded, but didn't reply, and Joey continued. “I won't tell them.”

“Thanks,” Lance said.

Joey nodded in return and stood up. “Look, it's late, and I'll bet you're exhausted.”

Lance stood as well, “Exhausted, drunk, what's the difference?”

Joey laughed at him, “We did drink a few tonight, huh? Thank God we have off tomorrow.”

“I know,” Lance said, following Joey into the hotel room. “Thanks, Joe,” he said seriously, “I feel a lot better.”

Joey gave him a friendly hug, “Just think how much better you'll feel if you tell the others.”

“Joey,” Lance said warningly.

“Okay, okay! I won't bother you about it any more.” Joey opened the door to his room and Lance stepped into the hall. “Good night.”

“Night, Joe,” Lance said and turned to his room.

Once inside, he leaned his back against the door and closed his eyes. A picture of JC danced across his mind. “No,” Lance whispered, “He can't find out. I can't lose him.”


	Inner Reflection \| home back to Secret Desires Chapter 6 IF WE LET THINGS TERRIFY US, LIFE WILL NOT BE WORTH LIVING. SENECA, EPISTLES,* 1ST CENT. AD CHAPTER SIX-FEARS Joey studied Lance under the dim moonlight. His head was tilted back, resting on the wall, his eyes shut. His mouth opened slightly as he sighed, a soft sound escaping his lips. He raised the bottle of beer in his hand to his lips and took a long swallow. “What took you so long?” Joey asked him. Lance turned towards Joey. “What do you mean?” Joey shrugged and sat back in his chair, propping his feet on the railing. “I mean, it sounds to me like you fell for JC a while ago. What took you so long to admit it?” Lance stared at Joey incredulously. What was he talking about? He just realized his feelings a week ago! He hadn't been in love with JC that long, it just hit him overnight. “What do you mean, Joe? I didn't fall for JC that long ago, I just realized it. And I admitted it to myself as soon as I did.” Joey gave him a sly grin. “You're so damn naïve, Lance.” Lance sat up straight and faced Joey fully, his legs now dangling off the railing. There was anger in his green eyes and his mouth turned downward. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Joey shrugged, “I mean…come on, Lance. You've been in love with JC since at least April or May. It's been a year, for God sakes.” Lance felt his mouth drop open. He moved it as if to say something, but no words came out. He tried again, but found he couldn't talk. He had no idea what to say to Joey's statement. A year? He's been in love for a year and didn't know it? That was just not possible. If he were in love, he would know. Joey laughed as he watched Lance struggle to speak. “Okay, Lance, close your mouth, flies will get in.” Lance glared at Joey. “What do you mean a year?” he finally managed to get out. “I've been listening to you talk to me about JC for a long time tonight. And from what you said, you noticed feelings for him when you were sick.” He shrugged, “That was last May. And maybe you weren't in love with him yet, but that was at least something.” Lance's shoulders slumped. Joey was right. He clearly remembered standing at the sink, wondering what JC was thinking. And he remembered the surge that went through him when he found out JC asked Lou for him not to perform. And he remembered that simple hug on New Years Eve. The hug that had him believing he was complete. “I guess I was scared,” Lance whispered hoarsely. Joey's gaze sharply focused on Lance. “What?” Lance picked his head up, and met Joey's eyes. Joey could see the slight moisture beginning to appear in Lance's eyes. Lance moved his hand up and raked it over his face, wiping any tears that Joey thought he saw away. When he spoke, he spoke so softly that Joey strained his ears to hear him. “I was scared, Joe, so I bottled up what I was feeling. I ignored the thoughts that would race through my mind when he was around. I chalked it up to deep friendship, the kind where you're closer than family. I didn't want to admit to myself that maybe, just maybe it was something more.” He shook his head and the moonlight jumped off his blonde spikes, “I didn't want to realize that the feelings I had for JC ran deeper than the feelings I had for the rest of you guys.” Joey studied Lance, “And now?” he asked softly, “what changed?” Lance shook his head again and met Joey's gaze, “I don't know.” Lance jumped off the divider between the rooms and took a seat on the chair next to Joey. He set his empty beer bottle in the bucket with the melted ice, but didn't take another out. He had enough for one night. He was tired. But, strangely, he felt as if a huge weight was lifted off his chest. A weight that he had been carrying around for a year that had increasingly gotten heavier the past week. “You gonna tell the others?” Joey's voice interrupted his thoughts. Lance gave him a panicked look, “No!” he said forcefully. “Why not?” Joey asked, “You really should tell them.” Lance stood and began pacing in the small space the balcony provided. “And what would I tell them, Joe? Hey, guys, I think I'm gay and I know I'm in love with JC? Yeah, Joe, great idea.” He stopped pacing and turned to Joey. “You can't tell them,” he said, panic in his voice. “Please, Joe, promise me you won't tell them.” Joey bit his lip as he studied Lance. “I wouldn't do that to you, Lance, you should know that. But I can't keep this a secret forever. You have to tell them eventually.” Lance felt his eyes burn with tears at the thought of the others finding out. He would lose everything. “No, I can't.' “Lance…” Joey started. “No!” Lance interrupted forcefully, “God, why can't you understand that? Do you have any idea what the hell I'm feeling right now?” His hands were clenched in fists at his sides and he willed himself to relax. “I'm trying to come to terms with a feeling that I don't even understand! All my life I've liked girls, Joey. And now, all of a sudden I'm having these thoughts about JC. About a guy! And it scares me to death. I don't know why it's happening, I don't know where it's coming from and I don't understand it! And on top of that, everything I believe in is screaming at me, telling me that this is wrong, that I'm a sinner that I'm going to rot in hell for the rest of my life. All because of one man who has no idea the effect he has on me! And I can't tell him, or Justin, or Chris what is going on. Because JC knows me that well. He'll take one look at me and know I'm not telling him everything. And when he finds out,” Lance paused and took a deep breath, “When he finds out that I'm in love with him, he'll run.” Lance's voice fell to a whisper, “and I don't think I could handle that.” Joey looked up at Lance who had stopped pacing when he began talking. His voice was ragged, laced with emotion, and Joey realized just how scared and lost Lance was feeling. “Lance, it's okay to have feelings about a guy. That doesn't make you a bad person.” Joey decided to go for what he thought was really bothering Lance. He knew how important God and religion were to Lance, and from one sentence Lance uttered in his little speech, Joey knew it was on the front burner in his mind. “It might not make me a bad person, Joey, but it makes me a sinner.” Joey snorted and shook his head, “Lance, come on! I know you have these strict moral beliefs, and don't get me wrong, I think that's great, but if you ask me, this is one time you're going to have to bend a little. Personally, I'd rather rot in hell, and know I was happy on Earth, happy with my choices, than go to Heaven and feel as if I didn't live my life to the fullest.” “Easy for you to say, Joey. You like women.” Joey grinned at Lance, who had sat down again and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting. “Okay, I'll give you that. But last time I checked, it was a sin to have pre-marital sex.” He smirked and sat back, “And I do a lot of that.” Lance laughed at Joey, “That's completely different.” Joey said one word, “Why?” Lance glanced at him. “Cause it is,” he stammered. Joey shrugged, “Okay. But if it is, tell me why. Tell me why it's different that I sin with women and you sin by loving a man.” He raised his hands, palms up, “Seems to me as if we're both sinning.” Lance opened his mouth and closed it. “Dammit, Joe! That's twice in one night I have nothing to say!” Joey grinned and relaxed in his chair, “Okay, then. Moving on.” He again propped his feet on the railing and pushed back, tipping his chair on the back legs. “Now that we've established that we're both going to hell…let's see. Oh yeah, telling the guys.” A shadow crossed over Lance's face, and he decided that he was going to have another beer after all. “No,” he said as he twisted the cap off the bottle. “I'm not going to force you, Lance,” Joey said seriously. “But I want you to think about it, please?” “I did. And no.” Joey sighed as he brought his chair back on all four legs. “Look, Lance, you've done a lot of talking tonight, and now it's my turn, okay?” He turned the chair so he was facing Lance without having to turn his head. “We are your best friends. We love you, like you said before, we're family. Contrary to what you may believe, we are not going to turn our backs on you. And you may find this hard to believe, but we can read you like a book. You don't hide your emotions very well. And sooner or later, the other guys are going to get their heads out of their asses and realize that something's not right with you. Hell, I've noticed that you weren't yourself this past week. Why do you think I wanted you to come out with us? Why do you think I came up to you in the club? Why do you think I forced you to talk to me? Because I could see that you weren't right, that something was wrong.” Joey smiled crookedly, “And I'm not the brightest bulb in the box, Lance, you know that.” Lance grinned and Joey continued, “JC is a hell of a lot smarter than me, and he can read you a hell of a lot better than I can. And once Bobbi goes back to California, and you and JC are hanging out again, he's going to know something is up. And you know how stubborn he can be. He won't let up until you tell him.” Lance felt tears behind his eyes, “I know. But I have to do it on my own terms, Joe. I can't just gather y'all together and say, hey, guys, I'm gay.” Joey shrugged, “Fair enough. Your terms. But if you let this fester inside of you, the longing, the wanting, the uncertainty of what's right and wrong is going to tear you up. You have to talk, Lance, and I think you know that.” Lance nodded, but didn't reply, and Joey continued. “I won't tell them.” “Thanks,” Lance said. Joey nodded in return and stood up. “Look, it's late, and I'll bet you're exhausted.” Lance stood as well, “Exhausted, drunk, what's the difference?” Joey laughed at him, “We did drink a few tonight, huh? Thank God we have off tomorrow.” “I know,” Lance said, following Joey into the hotel room. “Thanks, Joe,” he said seriously, “I feel a lot better.” Joey gave him a friendly hug, “Just think how much better you'll feel if you tell the others.” “Joey,” Lance said warningly. “Okay, okay! I won't bother you about it any more.” Joey opened the door to his room and Lance stepped into the hall. “Good night.” “Night, Joe,” Lance said and turned to his room. Once inside, he leaned his back against the door and closed his eyes. A picture of JC danced across his mind. “No,” Lance whispered, “He can't find out. I can't lose him.”